Monday, November 4
Good afternoon, everybody!
I’m feeling much better now that Hell Week™ is over and done with. I’ve also been sleeping normally again for the past few days, so I’m hopeful things will stay that way. This week is going to be a bit busy for me, because it’s my academic planning week (and the last one I’ll ever have to do)! Basically, this is the week I plan out all of my spring semester classes and meet with my advisor to discuss my plan. It’s really crucial that I get all of the classes I need, because I’m graduating in May and I need to fit in all of my requirements. Even if it’s stressful along the way, it somehow always works out in the end, so I’m trying to not focus too much anxiety on it.
Right now I have a salad and my favorite coffee order, a hot caramel macchiato with soy milk, with me while I get some blogging done before class. I’m feeling really good today because my first class isn’t until 2pm, so I had a lot of time this morning to get ready and make myself look nice. I’ve always been somebody who loves getting ready in the morning and doing my makeup, even if I’m not going anywhere special. It’s a relaxing way for me to practice self care and spend some time with myself and my face, which I’m finally starting to see the beauty in after feeling self-conscious about myself for so long.
Wednesday, November 6
I was hoping I’d be completely back to normal by now, but unfortunately, my anxiety is a little wonky and I’m still feeling very high-alert. I also had another rough night sleeping, and didn’t really fall asleep until 5am. The good news is, my first class isn’t until 11am, so I was still able to get (somewhat) decent rest until then.
I guess the best way to describe how I’m feeling is “unfamiliar.” I feel out of touch with myself and my surroundings, which is frustrating, but I’m trying to remind myself that all of these symptoms are temporary and I’ll feel back to normal soon. This disconnected feeling does sometimes happen to me, but it never lasts for long and I’m usually back to feeling normal within a few days. My “therapy” right now consists of extra-self care, emotional support from my friends, and trying to focus on happy thoughts, such as upcoming Thanksgiving recession and winter break next month! And, of course, writing has also been my savior and a way for me to feel “in touch” with myself again.
While I do enjoy being at school this semester and I feel comfortable with my friends and classes, I feel like the room where I live is somehow contributing to my problems. I don’t know what it is about my dorm room, but I sometimes feel very isolated and anxious to spend time there. I’m also a very associative person, so once I have one negative experience with a place or thing, there is usually a permanent negative connotation. This is basically the long, complicated way of me saying that the two bad nights I had last week are permanently tainting my feelings about my dorm.
I’m thinking about trying CBD, as I have been contemplating for a year or so now. I’ve tried pretty much everything else: therapy, essential oils, meditation, antidepressants, you name it. My anxiety just always finds a way to prevail and throw me off my rhythm. At this point, it’s not about curing anxiety, it’s just about managing it.
Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like such a downer! In general, I’m doing pretty alright, though a bit tired. I am so excited for Blogmas next month, because all of my articles will be winter holiday based to some capacity. I’m also looking forward to making my spring schedule, because I’m such a planner and I like to organize academic things. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and I’m able to get in all of the classes I need!
Friday, November 8
The days have been flying by lately, and I’m looking forward to the fast-approaching Thanksgiving break and then winter recession! The holiday season is one of my favorite times of the year, and I’m especially looking forward to spending the holidays with my mom’s side of the family.
I have to say, I’m still in a bit of a weird funk and my sleep schedule is still really messed up. I’m trying not to analyze it too much so I can just let myself feel my feelings and move on, because I find that’s the best way to get out of feeling out of it. Occasionally, without reason, I’ll feel “off” or “disconnected” for a few days or weeks at a time. I’m wondering if it has to do with the recent daylight saving time clock changes, because the shorter days are definitely putting a damper on my mood. The best way I can describe it is like I feel as though I’m in a dream, and everything just feels a little…unfamiliar. It’s a very tricky feeling to describe, but it’s putting me on edge and making my anxiety worse.
Anyway, I’m currently at the campus center with my good friend, Lily, who has been an absolute angel this week. She’s been really helping me to get out of my shell and socialize more, which is something I really appreciate while going through this odd funk. We also got ihop tonight, which was absolutely delicious, and burritos yesterday. Needless to say, my wallet would really appreciate it if I calmed down the food spending.
Moving on, I’m all cleared to register for my spring classes next week, so that’s an exciting update. I’m also going to have to take an internship next semester, which is required for me to graduate, and I’m *possibly* going to take an additional direct study course. I’m not entirely sure what a direct study is, but I think it basically means I’m going to do additional independent work for credit. So basically, it’s going to be a really busy spring semester, and I’m really looking forward to it!