Monday, June 22
Hi, I hope you guys are doing okay and staying positive. I’m sort of not, as you can probably tell from the title, so I figured writing furiously about my feelings might help me to relax and let out a little bit of steam.
I’ve been feeling simultaneously tense and deflated for the past 15 or so hours, probably due to a lot of smaller factors that are all just adding up to one monster Stress. I found it really difficult to feel comfortable and secure last night, so I didn’t sleep well for the first time in a while. I dozed off around 2am and woke up at 6am, and my body decided that was it- it was time to be awake. And since I now had a couple of extra hours to get ready before my job interview today, I decided to drop off some journals I needed to mail at the post office. Which would have been all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I got off the T and FORGOT MY PACKAGES ON THE TRAIN.
If I hadn’t taken an Ativan this morning, I probably would have just knelt down on the sidewalk and started crying at that point. I know that sounds dramatic, but when you work really hard at something, like an Etsy shop, and then you lose orders, it feels like you’re just throwing your proud work into a burning trash can. So I was pretty bummed about that, obviously, but I did still have the envelope I needed to mail out to my old bank, so I figured I could at least drop off the envelope and get that finished. Problem was, the line was literally out the door at the post office I visited, so I had to speed walk all the way back to where I started for my job interview. And the interview itself went fine, I think, but I was feeling so shaky and stressed and frazzled on the inside, I burst into tears the minute I stepped out of the building. So to make up for all of the unnecessary stress that had been building up inside me for the past few hours, I decided, you know what? Fuck it, I’m going to go to tj maxx and buy a candle. I’m going to buy a luscious fall-scented candle, I’m going to go home and light it, and I’m going to flop out onto my bed and smell my candle and have some me time.
So the candle and the good sob I had this afternoon did actually help a little bit, but I’m still feeling pretty on edge. And I think one of the things that’s making me self-destruct a little bit inside is this: I feel like I’m not getting enough genuine attention from anyone.
I feel horrible and entitled even saying something like that, but there are only so many text messages from friends that say “Cheer up! Things will get better” and “I care about you” before you wonder how much people actually care about you, or if they’re just trying to get you to stop complaining about your life. Because I don’t want people to just say that they care, I want people to show me. And I know I’m limited for options because I’m in a pandemic, but I guess what I’m really saying is I wish the people I truly care about would maybe step it up a little bit. Because right now, I feel like just lashing out and fighting everyone so they give me more attention, and I’m embarrassed to even be feeling that way.
I know that probably all sounded really dramatic, and I know there are worse things going on in the world. I’m an adult and I can figure it out on my own. I just wish I had someone to hug at the end of the day, or talk with face-to-face, because getting encouraging text messages just means nothing to me at this point. And like I said, maybe people do care, but the signals I’m getting back is that people are only saying nice things to shut me up.
Sunday, June 28
I thought about deleting those last couple of paragraphs when I was getting ready to post today, but I’ve decided it’s important to let myself feel my feelings and my frustration instead of backspacing on it and pretending it never happened. I am feeling much better and more optimistic this week. For one thing, I have a job interview at Starbucks on Wednesday! I am really looking forward to that, because I have wanted to work at a Starbucks for MONTHS now and I applied to 25 different locations in Boston. So I’m hoping that goes well; I do feel well-prepared.
I’ve spent the last few days with Buck, which has been lovely. We’ve been doing the usual- watching movies, hanging out with his family, visiting the cows, and listening to a lot of podcasts and Grateful Dead. I love spending time out here with him, but I’m also really looking forward to him spending more time at my apartment. I love taking care of people, and I am so excited to cook for him and take him to all my favorite little spots around the city. I’m also looking forward to our vacation next week, which, of course, I will be sure to take lots of pictures of. My Polaroid camera is loaded and ready for adventures.