Monday, July 27
I’ve always striven to be really transparent about how I’m doing, so I’m not gonna lie, the past couple of days have been tough. It would make a lot of sense if I was entering some sort of PMDD-related episode, but I’m also trying to avoid getting into the habit of blaming every bad mood on my period. I felt fine for most of the day yesterday, but around the evening is when I began to struggle with feeling irritable, agitated, angry, depressed, anxious, paranoid, fatigued, and crying inconsolably…so, sounds like some pretty severe PMDD to me! Poor Nathaniel, he’s such a saint staying on the phone with me and being kind and encouraging when I’m really struggling and crying and putting myself down. I know it hurts him to see me go through hard times, especially since he can’t be here in person, but I really appreciate how lovely and understanding he is. He stayed on the line with me for over an hour while my scream-crying slowly evolved to silent crying, which then evolved to sniffling, which then evolved to snoring. Someone give this man an award ASAP.
I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night, as you could have probably assumed. I fell asleep around midnight and had to be up at 4am for work. I wasn’t crying or feeling angry like I had been the night before, but I still felt sort of cloudy and fatigued, like my brain was still swimming in tears inside of my head. And then at work, even though my trainer and my manager said I did a great job, I did not feel on my A-game. I was forgetful, I was slow, and I was really blanking on how to do basic things I had learned the week before. I managed to hold it together without bursting into tears, but there were a few moments where I thought, “Am I good enough to do this? Am I too stupid to learn? Should I quit so I stop wasting everyone’s time?”
The first thing I did when I got home was conk out for about two and a half hours (a bit longer than I wanted to sleep, admittedly,) and now it’s after 4pm and eating a late lunch while I chug water. I definitely feel like my head has cleared up a lot, and I promised Nathaniel I wouldn’t be “a weepy mess” on the phone tonight. I feel like I can hold myself together again. However, I am really stressed about my work performance and I wish I was learning things faster. I know if I had all the time in the world to practice, or a way to keep learning everything at home, I would be fine. But it’s because all my practice comes from a fast-paced, stressful environment, I feel easily flustered and I forget what I’m doing. That being said, I remembered something today while I was making my lunch that I haven’t actually had a discussion with my work: I have learning disabilities which affect my memory and my processing skills, and the reality is, my brain is probably working twice as hard as it should be to get by. (By the way, I haven’t really told any of the jobs I applied to because I was afraid I wouldn’t get hired for being neuroatypical.) Reminding myself of that made me feel a bit better about myself and my progress. Like, no, I’m not a wimp or a moron or a “bad person” for feeling the way I feel. I am a person who is honestly just trying her best to hold everything together, and even though I’m also a weepy, tired mess, I think I’m doing pretty okay.
So yeah, that’s been my Monday. Nathaniel’s work schedule is a bit tough this week but I really, really hope I can see him because it’s been more than two weeks and the thing I need more than anything else in the world right now is a hug. I’m really hoping the rest of the week is not as dramatic and emotional as these past few days, so I’ll do my best to take care of myself. I am also going to try to practice everything I need to know at Starbucks as well as I can at home without having any equipment, aka I’m going to rely on memory to write out tasks. Thank you all so much for reading today and I’ll be sure to update you on how the rest of my week goes.
Monday, August 3
Hey everybody! Hope you’re all having a great Monday. I’ve been really behind on posting here on my blog, but honestly, I didn’t have time to sit down in front of my computer at all this week! I really don’t like getting behind on my goals, so today and tomorrow are going to be all about playing catch-up.
The past week was rough with PMDD, but things are starting to look up a bit now that my emotions are getting back on track. I spent most of last week feeling irritated and sad, and to be totally honest, the weekend didn’t make me feel much better. But like I said, things are on the right track now and I’m trying to stay as positive as possible. I’ve also been feeling like I can’t tell the people I love how I feel and what I’m going through, because it seems like everyone else is going through their own mess right now and I don’t want to stress anyone out even further with my problems. So that’s been really frustrating, but I definitely think having a therapist and paying someone to listen to my problems will help. I’ve been trying to find one via Psychology Today, but so far nobody has returned my emails. I’ll be sure to let you guys know how the rest of my week goes and if skipping my sugar pill week does any good for my PMDD down the line! Sorry I was a bit of a downer and unproductive this week, I’m going to try to keep my mind busier and more positive in the next few days.