Currently listening to: Evermore by Taylor Swift (Deluxe Version)
Another year, another season, another hole-in-the-wall apartment!
But finally, an apartment in my own name. On June 1st, I officially moved on from the roommates phase of my life and into my very own studio, entirely in my own lease! It has, of course, been an astronomically expensive shift in life for me, but one that I feel ready to tackle and take control of. My life in the past couple of months has been absolutely crazy with the combination of work, school, and now this, but ultimately, everything is on a positive linear slope. One of my good friends recently remarked that I have the incredible ability to make any space my own, and I have to agree with that. In only three days, I have pretty much unearthed myself of all boxes and arranged the space exactly as I want it. All I really have left to do is finish putting up my brick wallpaper accent wall, and order a couple more pieces of furniture (I have no bed frame, kitchen table, or desk.)
My electricity, gas, heat, and hot water are all included in my rent, which is incredible. The only utility I will have to pay for out of pocket is internet, which I desperately need, living in a sub-basement level with no service. My new modem is not set to arrive for 3-5 business days, so I am currently surviving by sticking my phone out the window to access the internet when I need it, and typing up emails in coffee shops and libraries when disposable to me.
I’m currently sitting in the Boston Public Library courtyard as we speak, trying to tie up some loose ends I have regretfully been neglecting these past few weeks. I have reapplied for FAFSA for the 22-23 school year, applied for a potential fall internship, and now I’m soothing my soul with some creative, personal writing. Although the changes in my life have been lovely and objectively positive, it doesn’t change the fact that I am terrible with change (even good changes.) I love my new space, but I can’t say it feels quite like home yet. I am still homesick for the little closet room I used to rent for the past ten months or so; I am homesick for my roommates’ cats and for the smell of the laundry room, and the blank empty walls Paul and I would project movies onto with our little Amazon projector.
Speaking of Paul, I felt a similar grief that came with the change of entering a relationship when we started dating, even though I love him and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I had to grieve my single lifestyle, as good as it felt to be with this newfound partner, because everything changed so quickly. I think it is important to allow oneself to grieve, even if you don’t know why you feel so sorry for yourself and the scraps of nostalgia you’re clinging to. Embrace change- but grieve, too!
Paul is attending medical school in Worcester, so after my lease in Boston ends next May, I am going to pack up again and join him out there, so we can get a little place of our own and continue writing our story together. Worcester is fantastically less expensive than Boston, so we will easily be able to afford a two-bedroom in our budget and have enough space to really stretch out. Personally, I just can’t wait to have a dishwasher again. Washing dishes by hand has always been a task I hated, and one that I will put off until I have no other option of survival.
Anyway, I’d say I’m about ready to wrap up my work for today. I still have loads of things to do, but I am not going to overload myself all in one day. I’m going to go home, keep working on my brick accent wall, and maybe even take a nap. I’ve unfortunately suffered a few sleepless nights, some of which involving crying, as I continue to cope with all these changes and stresses peppering my life at the moment. Poor Paul, he’s doing his best to care for me and help me, but I think he knows it’s just going to take time for me to feel like myself again and get back into my normal swing. I’m so grateful to have him here, truly.
Right now, I feel good. The breeze is blowing in my face, I’m amped up on iced coffee from my favorite little hole-in-the-wall cafe, and I’m just so happy to be alive and healthy and financially stable enough to have this life. I’ve worked my ass off to be here; the culmination of doubles, overnights, long evenings. Let’s tackle this new chapter together.