Right now, I’m taking a break from working on my research paper to do something a little less intensive- blogging! I’m a self-proclaimed ambitious woman, and it’s my goal to have a ten-page literature review finished by the end of the night. I feel like I need to work harder than usual today to prove my productivity because I missed both of my classes today.
I actually HATE missing classes and feeling like I’m getting behind, but today was definitely a necessity. For whatever reason, though probably PMS/hormone related, I could not sleep a WINK last night. I quite literally just rolled around in bed, wide awake, and every time I checked my phone another hour had passed. I wasn’t even tired, and I’m still not feeling tired. I finally managed to sleep intermittedly on-and-off from 7am to 12:30pm, but that meant missing my 11am class and my 12:30pm class.
From my understanding, estrogen basically equates to energy in a woman’s body, and with PMS in full force I can imagine my hormones are literally off the walls right now. My skin is also breaking out worse than usual, and the acne is big and painful. I’m also feeling cramps and heightened anxiety, but those two things are generally normal.
So, yeah. I am currently in the midst of a bad month for PMDD, but I’m grateful that my mental health doesn’t seem to be much affected. Yes, having a bad sleep schedule for the past three nights is no fun, but I’d rather deal with this than feel completely dejected and sad. At least there’s coffee to treat a rough night’s sleep!
Anywho, I feel a bit better now that I’ve vented. I’m going to work on my literature review for a bit more, than take a break and binge watch Stranger Things in celebration of Halloween. I’m also going to order some dinner, because I feel like my tired ass is deserving of some comfort food, and then I’m going to try to will myself to go to the gym. Let’s hope the combination of working out, essential oils, and some light reading before bed is enough to get me asleep!
Thursday, October 31
Gosh, what a week it has been! So, I know I had high hopes that I would be able to sleep on Wednesday night, but it was unfortunately just another night of awful insomnia, profuse sweating, and a lot of tears. Pretty much every woman I have spoken to has confirmed it’s probably related to my cycle, so that does make me feel a bit better knowing it’s completely hormonal related and it will pass soon.
That being said, due to the lack of sleep due days in a row, I was an absolute mess on Wednesday. Dizzy, incoherent, crying every couple hours- I was definitely overtired and it was a mess. I decided the best thing to do would be to go home for a few days and have my mom take care of me, and see if being home could help me get some rest. Just the thought of having a repeat of the last two nights and worrying profusely about making it to class was sending me on a mental breakdown, so I decided it was time to stand back and really just focus on my health.
Well, good news! That ended up being exactly what I needed to get back on my feet. My mom brought me home, bless her, and we had lasagna and watched Coraline to celebrate the Halloween season. Then I had Motrin and an over-the-counter sleep aid, and boom…I was fast asleep for about twelve hours. I did wake up briefly around 4:30 because my menstrual cramps were atrocious, but all that took was an Ibuprofen and then I was out like a light again.
Today I’m working extra hard to make up for all the classes I’m missing being home, but the workload is manageable (and I’m just so happy I was finally able to have a good night’s sleep). I definitely needed that mini break, and I’m so proud that I decided to take care of myself, because I genuinely do hate getting behind in school. I’ve already done a few critical assignments, and now I’m going to work on wrapping up the first draft of my senior research paper, which is due tomorrow by midnight. I’m also going to see Eli tomorrow, which is very exciting!
No, I don’t have any Halloween plans this year, but I’ll probably take a bubble bath, put on a scary movie, and hang out with my dog tonight. I’m not a big party person anyway, so I’m perfectly happy with that plan.
Friday, November 1
I’ve now slept fine two nights in a row, so I’m going to say my PMDD hell week is probably over, and my cycle should be back to normal now! I am SO happy I decided to give myself a break to come home and rest up. Ladies and gents, if you’re ever struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out and get some help. Self care is the most important thing you can do for yourself.
I had a really awesome time with Eli this morning. We visited one of our favorite homestyle restaurants, which serves food similar to that of KFC. However, they do have a lot of vegetarian options (I’m just vegetarian now, no longer vegan), such as macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes. The macaroni and cheese, by the way, is AMAZING. I don’t know how they do it, but it’s only available at this one particular restaurant near my hometown. Needless to say, I ordered a pint of it.
Afterwards, we visited some cows on the side of the road, and gave the bulls some good scratchies. Then we finished off the afternoon by visiting a farm that is also located in our hometown. I always laugh so much when I spend time with Eli, because he’s such a naturally funny person to be around. I might see him tomorrow night too, if he comes to visit me at school. If not, I’ll see him next on Thanksgiving recession.
Coming up this week:
11/4- The Story Time Tag
11/6- MASSIVE List of Product Empties + My Favorite Makeup in 2019!
I didn’t have a chance to write yesterday, because the first half of my day was too busy, and I felt pretty disoriented for the second half. Yesterday was the day I had to give my four-minute speech, so I took an Ativan and forgoed my usual coffee. I felt pretty solid for the first half of the day, but by 3pm I was absolutely wiped and I had to go lay down. I woke up around 6:30pm, and because I’d skipped my regular morning coffee, I ended up with a pretty horrendous caffeine withdrawal headache.
So anyway, that was the long way of saying I didn’t get any work done yesterday. I’m sitting in my Communication Research class right now, and I’m feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. If my class has negative or chaotic energy, that almost always directly rubs off on me. It’s only 11:30 in the morning, and I’m already feeling overwhelmed by the stressful nature of this classroom.
Anyway, onto some good news! My good friend Eli is coming home for a visit next week, and I’m really looking forward to spending Halloweekend with him. We don’t have any solid plans yet, but I know we’ll inevitably find some fun or mischief to get into.
Friday, October 25
This has been a pretty mundane week, minus my usual bouts of anxiety popping up here and there. I am feeling a bit edgier than usual, and I can imagine that probably has something to do with my cycle and my hormones. Nonetheless, I’m pushing through, and trying to take extra good care of myself in preparation for Hell Week™.
I’m very excited to report that I will be taking part in my school’s chapter of DREAM, which stands for Disability Rights, Education, Activism, and Mentoring. It’s still in its founding stages, but we have tons of good ideas so far for how we can get this chapter started. I love to serve as an advocate and use my voice as a tool for spreading change, especially when it pertains to something personally important to me. As someone with learning disabilities who has an easy time “passing,” it’s important to me to bring awareness to these issues. One of the biggest problems with invisible disabilities is that you often feel invalidated, or like your disabilities won’t be perceived as seriously as they deserve to be. I’m looking forward to taking part in this lovely movement on my campus.
I’m feeling a bit like a hermit today, I’ll probably stay in for the rest of the day and watch a spooky Halloween movie and burn my favorite fall candle. I haven’t had a chance to partake in many fall activities, so maybe I can make up for that by having my own little spooky-themed night in my room. I’d also like to continue my research papers I’m currently working on, and potentially start another writing project. We’ll see how I’m feeling after binge-watching The Shining and The Keepers.
Saturday, October 26
Yesterday and today have been quiet days. I don’t have a lot of friends on campus, and the friends I do have don’t seem to like to go out and do social things (no tea no shade!), so I’ve just been hanging out in my room working on some writing. Today I started a new writing project after being inspired by a dream I had last night, so that’s been taking up a substantial chunk of my day. It’s been a goal of mine to write another book, but I struggle with coming up with story prompts that are original and unique. That’s why I’m so excited to be basing a book, a collection of short stories really, off of my dreams. I’m basically winding a story out of my unconscious thoughts, which I think is a pretty cool idea! Do any of you write down your dreams as well?
I’m not sure if this is technically Halloweekend or if it’s next weekend, but either way, nothing exciting is happening tonight. Hopefully I’ll have some decent plans for next week when Eli is here! Happy Halloween-ish!
Coming up this week:
10/28- What if College Campuses Had Animal Shelters?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t have an income while I’m at college. And, in the wise words of my professor, “This is the only time in your life you will be happy being broke.” I’m pretty okay with scraping by on $40 a month for groceries, taking public transit instead of ubering, and giving up all of the necessities I get to enjoy at home. I’m taking six classes this semester, so I don’t really have time to be working a full-time job while taking adequate care of myself anyway.
I’ve written about time management before on my blog, so if you’re interested in that, I’ll link it below.
Today’s article is going to be all about how I manage to survive on such a tight budget. To put it shortly, I am essentially living off of my savings. And don’t get me wrong- that was my goal! I spent the entire summer saving money, so that I could then in turn spend it on things I needed throughout the school year. This mostly constitutes food and essentials, but every once in a while, I let myself go out with my friends and have a fun night. Unfortunately, this sometimes means giving up another expense I had planned for that month. If I decide I want to see Creed Bratton at the Paradise Rock Club for $20 (which I do and probably will go through with), that means I probably can’t buy as many groceries this month. Oh well, it’s Creed Bratton.
One way I keep track of my expenses is by keeping a monthly budget, and then tracking my purchases in a planner. The one I am currently using is called Midnight Desert II, and I got it on Amazon! I love this planner because it was under $20, and it has a really awesome section for organizing finances at the back of the book. At the end of every month, I go through my bank statements and log everything that used my debit card to pay for. Obviously I’m going to show you a blank section, because y’all don’t need to see all the DoorDash I waste my money on.
As a visual person, this is a really great for me to literally see where my money is going. Most of the time, as I’ve said, it’s for food and groceries. I’m very careful about spending money on non-essentials, like new clothes or entertainment, so usually cap that at $20-$30 per month. Even things like face wash and pads are a careful expense for me that I have to really sit down and ponder about. Trust me, trying to stay within $100 a month can be pretty challenging if you just let yourself swipe your card whenever you feel like it!
When I go to purchase something online, for whatever reason, I always do a quick google search first to see if there are any coupon codes I can utilize. For example, when it did come time for me to order some new clothes, I decided to order from an online secondhand market that I knew would offer hefty discount. Not only did I save $400 from shopping secondhand, I also saved a boatload of money using a new member discount and even received a store credit for taking a survey. It’s literally free money, so utilize it if you have the chance.
I also check if businesses offer a student discount, which can be super helpful for saving money in the long run. With my student ID, I have a discount on Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Spotify. I can also get into specific local attractions for free, such as the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. This is helpful for me when I’m making plans with my friends, because I can usually start by suggesting a place that I know I can get into for free. This saves a lot of money in the long run, so I highly suggest you look into your student benefits as well! Those are my beginner’s tips for saving money in college, so I hope this was helpful for you. I’d love to do some more advice pieces in the future, so drop some ideas down below! Coming up next: Animals & Anxiety Treatment for College Students
Unfortunately, I was correct about a cold coming on this past weekend. I’m fortunate that I had already pre-written a lot of my blog posts this week, so I didn’t have to do any work today besides hitting the “upload” button. I also didn’t get any more of my research papers done- neither today or yesterday. Basically, all I’ve done for the past 48 hours is lay on the floor, sniffle, and groan about how much pain my muscles are in. I’ve already gone through the sore throat phase, and the super annoying nasal congestion seems to be almost finished, which means a cough is next, right?
I also haven’t been able to sleep very well due to being ill, but at least I had Duke to comfort me. I went to the beach yesterday with him and my mom, and it was so freaking cute to watch him roll around in the sand! Then we had beach pizza (non New-Englanders won’t understand), and finished off the night by watching The Office.
This afternoon she brought me back to school, but on the way here we stopped at our favorite farmstand and got pumpkins and cider donuts. As I’m sure you can tell, I’m being a little lax this week on avoiding dairy products. I’m usually very strict about it, but the combination of feeling like absolute shit and celebrating being with my family kind of out-won this time.
I was going to try to get some work done this evening, but I’ll probably just end up staying in bed and watching Netflix with a box of tissues in hand! Let’s hope I’m feeling better tomorrow, because I have a public speaking class in the afternoon and I’d really like to have a voice by then.
Thursday, October 17
All classes were cancelled today due to fallen trees and power outages. The wind was really intense last night, so I was not surprised at all when I woke up this morning to that message on my phone! It ended up being perfect timing, because I was supposed to deliver a four-minute speech today in class that I was NOT feeling up for. It’s mostly because I’m still getting over my cold, and I have a bit of a gross cough right now. My voice isn’t feeling the strongest, and it definitely shows when I speak. Secondly, I’m more anxious about it than usual because my professor is really talking it up as a big deal. Whenever I am constantly reminded that something is going to be a huge part of my grade and I have to do well, that makes me extra nervous. I was planning on taking half a milligram of Ativan before my exam, as I am prescribed Ativan for anxiety attacks, but now I don’t have to. The thing about Ativan and Xanax is that they can stay in your system for up to 18 hours, and the symptoms last all day. That’s not really a problem if you like being sleepy and loopy, but for me, I could see that messing up the rest of my schedule for the day. Long story short, I don’t have to worry about that for the time being!
It’s a perfectly lovely chilly fall day, so I’m burning my favorite spiced pumpkin candle that my brother bought me a few Christmases ago. Even though it’s only mid October, I am already so excited for the holiday season and getting into festivities!
Friday, October 18
As if having all classes yesterday wasn’t already enough, my ̴ only class ̴ today was also cancelled. In other words, I have a four day weekend now!
To be completely honest, I was a little bummed that my Communication Research class was cancelled today. Like I’ve said before, I like doing research, and I generally do like to go to class to learn. I was also sad about not going to my Human Services class yesterday, because I find the subject matter to be really engaging. I imagine this partly has to due with the fact that I have ADHD, and if I go too long without any type of brain activity or stimulation, I get extremely bored and subsequently start a bunch of new projects. This is not a new revelation to any of you; you know me by now. I will say, I was happy not to have my public speaking class, but you already know why I feel that way! (I also have a tiny crush on one of the guys in my class, and because of that, I’m a bit self-conscious about the thought of delivering a speech in front of him).
Oh, yeah, my identity crisis. I have a crush on a guy? I don’t know what to call myself anymore. For all intents and purposes, I’m bisexual, but I’ve just reached the point where I hate labels and I want to stop over-analyzing myself and just let myself feel my feelings.
My mother, stepfather, and grandmother are coming to campus tomorrow for Family, Friends & Alumni weekend. They’re all such amazing, wholesome people, and we always have a lovely time together. We are seeing a matinee performance of The Lion King in Boston, so I’m looking forward to sharing all about that!
Sunday, October 20
Is it just me, or is October flying by way too fast? Halloween is less than two weeks away and I haven’t even given it a thought. I’ll probably go visit my friend at Berklee on Halloweekend, and I know for a fact I’m seeing Eli on either the first or second of November!
Yesterday was such a fun day with my family in the city. We were able to see The Lion King at the Boston Opera House via discounted school tickets, so that was amazing. Not only was the show itself so impressive and beautifully executed, but the theater was stunning as well. I actually didn’t remember anything about The Lion King movie, so the story was basically new to me. If you have the chance to see it, I highly recommend! We saw a matinee show, so it was about mid evening by the time we got back to campus. We went to Panera Bread to get some dinner, and sadly they had to hit the road after that. It was actually nice to have some time to myself after that, as I’m still a bit sick from my cold and appreciated the rest. One thing that was NOT helping is the fact that my house didn’t have any heat, and I’ve been sleeping with a winter coat on for the past few nights. I called Plant Operations and it turns out there’s no heat because some moron has a space heater (which is not allowed), and because her room has a lot of heat, it registered in the temp system that the whole house must have heat then. And thus, the heat turned off in mid October. Thankfully, that’s just been fixed, so I’m looking forward to having heat for the first time this fall!
Today has been a super chaotic, albeit fun, day for writing. I’m really excited about the articles I’m currently working on, because they branch out quite a bit from my usual subject matter. I’m somewhat more interested in “harder” news stories and controversial topics, like the early start time of school and the iffy nature of the Impossible burger.
Right now in my life, I definitely feel like I’m going through some sort of an identity crisis. One thing that makes me feel better is to pop in my headphones and go for a walk around my neighborhood, day or night (usually both). My ears are starting to get sore from constantly popping in my headphones, because I love having my music on while I walk and think. Like I said last week, I think it’s important to tear ourselves away from screens and just spend some time with our minds. It’s painful sometimes to just feel your feelings, but I truly think it helps me to approach things head on and just think about them and accept them, and maybe even eventually have some sort of sense of understanding.
Despite doing a LOT of thinking and reflecting, my mood is actually pretty high and I’m feeling stress-free. PMDD has not reared its ugly head yet, so I’m hoping this means I have finally adjusted to my Yazmin and I don’t need to add another antidepressant. It usually takes about three months to adjust, which is about how long it took for me to get used to my new combination pills.
Friday, October 11
I’m home until Monday due to the long weekend, and I have to say, immediately felt such a wave of happiness and freshness once I stepped back into my home. I haven’t been back to visit in about five weeks, so it feels good to be in a new environment for a short while and spend some time bonding with my dog. My mom is away in Maine with her boyfriend until Sunday, so it’s just going to be me and Duke for a few days.
I was planning on writing a 400 word blog post about applying socialism to life simulation worlds, such as in The Sims, but it became pretty clear to me at the beginning of my research that this was going to be something MUCH bigger than a blog post. So now, I’m turning it into a research paper instead. I have an outline, an annotated bibliography- the whole shebang. And no, I will not be turning it in for any credit. Once I complete the paper, probably at the end of the month, I’ll probably shove it into my desk to rot until I clean out my dorm in May.
This is actually the second research paper I’m writing; the other one actually is for a class, and it’s about the detrimental mental health effects of cancel culture. I’m actually enjoying writing two papers at once, because it gives me something to do in case I start to suffer from boredom. The interesting thing about having ADHD, OCD, and GAD is that they all sort of feed into each other in a cycle. Because I have super-fast processing skills, I power through my school work quickly and get bored easily. Being bored subsequently enables me to engage in obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the OCD then enables me to get anxious. Then, to combat my anxiety, I dive into new writing projects and schoolwork, and the cycle just starts over from there.
I know that probably sounds exhausting, but it’s working out great for me right now. I like being ambitious and busy. I do take quiet time every day to relax and practice self care, but the real highlight of my day is sitting down and tackling some new questions in my writing.
Duke is cuddling next to me in bed, and we’re listening to John Denver and Devendra Banhart and Taylor Swift. I’ve also listened to “A Horse With No Name” by America about six thousand times today. After this I’ll probably turn on The Office, because even I need a Netflix break every now and then. Goodnight, all!
Saturday, October 12
Today has been another productive day, and I’m really happy with the amount of schoolwork I have gotten done. My goal is to have six pages of my research paper finished by Monday, and ten pages finished my Wednesday. A large portion of my research paper is centered around conducting a survey, so I’ve also sent that out into the universe today.
This morning I took my dog for a long walk and really took in the beautiful fall foliage. Truly, nothing compares to autumn in New England, especially Massachusetts. After our walk I was super happy to discover that the second shipment from my ThredUp order came in the mail, so I was able to finish writing that review this afternoon. Keep an eye out for that article, it’s coming on Wednesday!
I’m starting to feel a bit icky, so I hope I’m not getting sick. My plan for the rest of the day is to consume copious amounts of vitamin C and take a boiling hot bubble bath, in an attempt to reverse the sickness from coming. I hope you guys are having good luck beating the fall cold as well! I know for a fact there’s a stomach bug going around my campus, and I absolutely do NOT want to catch that.
Coming up this week:
10/14- Why School Starting Ridiculously Easy is Not Good for Your Health
10/16- My First ThredUp Review
10/18- Challenging My Friend to Go Vegan for a Week
10am: I am #blessed with having mid-day classes, so it’s very rare that I have to wake up before 10 on a weekday. This is obviously awesome, because I love to sleep, but it also means I end up going to bed ridiculously late at night. Like, 2am-3am late. Anywho, I’m not a morning shower person, so the first thing I do when I wake up is wash my face, brush my teeth, and put in my contacts. Some days I put on makeup, but 75% of the time, it’s just a little concealer and eyebrow pencil for me. Today is no different.
11am: My first class today is at 11am, so I grabbed a coffee beforehand. I usually am not super hungry when I first wake up, so I’ll probably eat something small around noon. My first class today is Communication Research, which is very discussion heavy and requires a lot of focus. Nonetheless, I do make a bit of time to check my email, social media, and messages while class is taking place. I’ll also publish an article during the first half of the day, if one is scheduled to be released.
Noon: My first class actually got out early today, so my next stop is to get lunch. Ninety percent of the time, I’ll have a sandwich and a bag of chips. Today I used a meal swipe to get an uncrustable (my crack, tbh), some kettle corn chips, and a bottle of apple juice. Now, I’m planting myself down in an empty classroom to get some writing work done. I have to schedule an interview for a magazine spread, work on my Nevin’s Farm media press story, blog (duh), and then tie up some schoolwork. I actually don’t have anything that needs to be immediately worked on, academic-wise. My next homework assignments are due next Monday, so I’m certainly not in a rush to tackle any of that. In general, Sunday is usually my buckle-down-and-do-homework day.
2pm: My second class today, Writing for Public Relations, is 2:00-3:15. I’m currently working on two spot news stories- one is about Nevin’s Farm MSPCA, and the other is about Morale Support Animals on college campuses. This class usually goes by much faster for me than others, because I have my laptop right in front of me and I’m getting a ton of writing work done.
3:15pm: Before my last class, I stopped by the Starbucks on campus and grabbed a snack from the fridge. Our Starbucks very rarely has this vegan chicken sandwich, so I always grab it when I see it (to be totally honest, it’s actually not that great). My microeconomics class is from 3:30-4:45, and it requires a lot of hard work for me to comprehend, so this is the energy-protein boost I need right now.
5pm: Now that I’m out of class and dying to get back to my room to lay down (I spend a lot of time walking, and I’m in the middle of PMS cramps), I’m going to hit the dining hall one more time before I stay in for the night. Tonight I’m having broccoli, roasted squash, and a bowl of cereal. As I’ve mentioned before, the vegan/vegetarian options on my campus are NOT super prime most of the time. I won’t stay at the dining hall long, and while I eat my veggies, I enjoy scrolling through my news feed and seeing what’s happening in the world. I usually don’t eat with other people, unless I make specific plans to.
5:30pm: Like I said, I don’t have any homework that needs to get done immediately, so I can cross that off my mental list of tasks. Now that I’m back in my room, the first thing I do is take out my contact lenses and wipe off any makeup I may have been wearing that day. Like I said, I got a fat load of writing work done before my PR class, so now I’m going to take a mental break and play The Sims 4 for a couple hours. The Sims is the only video game I play, and to date, I’ve locked in thousands of hours. I’m also currently in the middle of an article about The Sims, and I’m really looking forward to revealing that to you all. After I play some video games, I’ll usually just law low for the rest of the evening. I did lie down for an hour or so because like I said, my uterus is being strangled by cramps as we speak.
8pm: Some evenings, if the weather isn’t awful, I like to pop in my headphones and take a short walk around campus. I think it’s really important to take some time away from my friends, my text messages, my internet, etc., and just go for a walk to clear my mind and think about things. Lately I’ve been jamming to Taylor Swift’s newest album (I LOVE “London Boy” and “The Man”, and I also love to listen to “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran and daydream about getting married while I walk. Dorky, I know). I’m not really a big exercise-oriented person anymore, because I just don’t have the resources for it, so I make up for that by taking a nightly walk around the neighborhood.
8:30pm: I’m a night showerer when I’m at school, so that’s my next objective. Sometimes I take super late showers (like, 11pm), but tonight I’m getting it done early so I can watch Rugrats in Paris with one of my friends. Yes, if you’re watching this in October of 2019, Rugrats in Paris is on Netflix!! Because my friend lives a few towns away, the way we watch things “together” is by pressing play in our respective homes at the same time. Then, we text about it while it’s happening, so it’s almost like we’re reacting at the same time. We’ve been doing this a lot of nights lately, but it’s usually with Cold Case Files, not animated movies.
That’s more or less my average day in a nutshell! Obviously it changes on a daily basis, but this is a pretty standard example of what my life is like. I’ll usually go to bed reaaally late, because my brain gets super active and full of ideas at night. It’s that flaming ADHD in me. Every night to fall asleep, I have to have some sort of audio playing in the background. Otherwise, my brain will be racing at 100 miles an hour and I’ll start thinking about stupid things I did five, ten years ago. Having something (or someone) to listen to distracts my mind from wandering into anxiety, and ultimately helps me focus on getting sleepy. Tonight I fell asleep listening to VSauce videos, and I was out within fifteen minutes. Goodnight, everyone! I’ll see you next week.
I spent countless hours over the weekend visualizing the future career plan I am currently interested in, which many of you have already heard about. As I said, I’m interested in working with animals, having a farm, and helping people in any way that I can. I also scored very high in the “business management” industry on my career assessment, so I started critically thinking about that as well. On Sunday, I was bustling with ideas and immediately started recording them down and even crafted a fake brochure for my business. Who knows if this will actually happen, but as of right now, this is what I’m getting excited about:
I would like to rescue a multitude of different farm animals, including cows, chickens, goats, so I guess the easiest way to characterize this would be a sanctuary. However, to have more interactions with the public and commercialize my business, I’d also like to offer a variety of services. One thing I’d like to incorporate is a wedding barn, and rent it out as a rustic venue for ceremonies and receptions. I’d also like to offer some sort of bed-and-breakfast wedding suite in my farmhouse, probably as some sort of wedding package deal. I’d also like to offer different events and classes that allow people to interact with the animals, such as cow cuddling, goat yoga, and “pick-your-own eggs.” The welfare of my animals is obviously very important to me, so many of these services would be by-appointment to prevent them from getting overwhelmed with visitors.
My main goal here is to teach people how to love animals, especially cows. Sharing the love and kindness of animals is one of my favorite forms of advocacy, and additionally, I think this is a business that would really lighten up people’s lives and hearts. As long as I can work from home and be my own lady boss, I’ll work fourteen hours a day if I have to,
Obviously this is just a rough sketch of my dream, so it’s subject to change. However, I am so excited to get started on this idea. I have no idea how someone even gets started with a farm business/sanctuary, especially without money. I suppose I’ll just have to see what happens, and roll with whatever options are available to me.
Wednesday, October 2
My week has been pretty mundane for the past few days, but exciting (ish) things are coming this weekend. On Friday, I’m interviewing an app for a magazine spread I’m working on. Then, on Saturday, I’m going back into Boston to do some grocery shopping, Target shopping, and then, I’m going to visit my friend at Fenway!
Friday, October 4
Today is the beginning of my subsequent fun weekends, for the rest of October! Tonight I went to see Nick Colletti perform stand up for a school-sponsored event, who I’d never heard of before tonight. He was actually pretty funny, and I ended up really enjoying myself. The night was still pretty young afterwards, so my friends and I drove into Boston and went to a really cute burrito place. It was the kind of night where we laughed so hard and so much, we probably looked like idiots from across the restaurant. I love driving into Boston with my friends, especially with a super-loud car karaoke session. I also got some groceries delivered today, so if you’re interested in what types of vegan foods I buy on a budget, I’ll consider making an article about it!
Saturday, October 5
Today I went into Boston to visit one of my friends from high school, who goes to the very lovely Berklee College of Music. We decided to meet at Government Center Station, which is usually a straight shot for me and takes less than an hour to get to. Usually. The trek over was more difficult than usual because there’s some construction on the tracks, so I had to take the shuttle bus for about half the trip. Because of traffic and the general slowness of the bus, what normally takes me 50 minutes took two and a half hours!
Anywho, the plan was originally to meet at 2pm at the Fenway Target, but instead we ended up meeting around 4pm on Newbury Street. I did get my candle, which was on my list, but then we decided to get some dinner at Wagamama, which was not on my agenda. I was trying to save money, but that pretty much went down the drain this weekend. Getting groceries, burritos, paying the train fair, a candle, and Wagamama really put a solid dent in my wallet. After dinner Alix invited me to see Joker at Regal Cinemas with her friends, and I know, I should have said no and saved my money, but I couldn’t resist. It sounded too fun! I also gave the rest of my dinner to a really nice homeless man on the street, partly because I knew I couldn’t bring my food inside, but also mostly because I feel terrible walking by the homeless and not doing anything about it. It would have plagued me all night if I didn’t stop to help, especially since he had two dogs with him.
Back to the movie. I’m a huge Joaquin Phoenix fan, stemming from his leading role in The Village, so I was really excited to see the movie. I actually made an offhand comment on the train about a man who looked just like M. Night Shyamalan, so it was a fitting movie to see on a chilly Saturday night. I normally don’t like going to the movies because I get bored, but I actually really liked this one. The combination of the music, the dialogue, and the visuals was very powerful and almost surreal. I’ve never seen any comic/superhero movie before, and heck, I don’t even know the difference between Marvel and DC, but I’m interested now. Definitely going to recommend it to my other friends!
It’s Sunday afternoon now, which is homework day. I’m working on this (obviously), my school papers, other blog articles, my Nevin’s Farm story, and my magazine piece for a local publication. My fall candles are burning, the seventies acoustic classics are playing, and I’m feeling very fall right now. Looking forward to the week to come, and the rest of my fun autumn weekends!
It’s unbearably hot in Massachusetts right now, and the flimsy window fan in my room isn’t helping. It looks like the rest of the week is going to be just as hot, so I’m trying to brace myself for that and seek out all the AC’s placed on campus.
Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about my future, and what type of life I would eventually like to fall into. One thing I know for certain is that I do not want to become a corporate drone. I do not want to wake up every day and dread my useless 9-5 life. I know that nobody enjoys working boring 9-5 jobs, but I would especially despise it. In order for my life to feel meaningful, I need to do work that matters to me and sparks passion. It’s my ultimate goal in life to help people, and lessen the emotional burden we face in the stressful environment of my country. I want to make people laugh, smile, and relax, in any way I can. Even if it means I’m working 14 hour days and just scraping by, I will work those hours tirelessly and with so much joy in my heart. All I want in a career is to be my own boss, make my own money, and do what makes me feel meaningful.
I’m also very focused on working with animals. I adore ALL animals, with the exception of bugs and other creepy-crawly insects. But everything else? I am READY to devote my life to you. As a sensitive person, I’ve always felt extremely connected to animals and wanted to spend time with them. I volunteered for a short while at a farm over the summer, and then spent the rest of my time pet-sitting in my apartment building. My life goal is to have a pet cow; not even for agricultural purposes, I just want to have a cow to hang out with and take care of.
This is a really long-winded way of saying I want to live somewhere with tons of animals: cows, goats, horses, chickens, dogs, cats, and small animals, like rats. I’m reluctant to call it a farm, because like I said, I’m not using it for agriculture. But I want to open up my land to the public, and allow guests to get close-up to the animals and learn how to handle them. I want to open up my land to cow-cuddling, so people can learn how affectionate and gentle these creatures are. Obviously, I would have to monetize this business to get by, and I would also want to blog about my animals, sell merch, or open up a Bed-and-Breakfast. In a nutshell, I want to start a community where people can come and just spend close-up time with animals. I mean, it would be the best of both worlds. I get to hang out with animals, and, I get to help people while working from home! (Future wife: I hope you’re on board with this.)
I recently re-took an assesment on MASScis called Career Cluster Inventory, which is a resource I’ve been using for years now. It’s free and extremely easy to find, so I highly suggest it to all of you. Basically, you are provided with a list of activities, and rate how much you would be interested in each of those activities. At the end of the assessment, the website generates which industries, in best-to-worst order, are ideal for you. My number one industry is Business Management, my second is arts, and my third is human services. I just wanted to throw that tidbit in there for you guys, because I think it’s a really amazing resource. I’ll leave the link to MASScis at the bottom of the page, if any of you are interested in that.
By the way, I am still using a lot of my Fab Fit Fun products regularly! I used up all of the delicious-smelling sugar cubes, and today I used my lunchbox to carry my food. More to come on that tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 24th
Like I said, I’ve been using my lunch box frequently since I received it in my Fab Fit Fun box. Because my diet is very specific and somewhat limited (my choice), I do have to make time in my schedule to order groceries and prepare meals. I have free delivery from Whole Foods because I’m an Amazon Prime user, so that definitely helps me tremendously. I prefer to have my groceries delivered because I don’t have a car, so literally walking to the grocery store is a hassle and a waste of time. I feel lucky that I live relatively close to a Whole Foods (within four miles), so I can have my groceries delivered within two hours.
This week I ordered some kitchen staples, like vegan Deli meat and vegan cheese, to make sandwiches with. The packages are small and compact, so they fit in my fridge perfectly, and one pack can last me up to a week. Every night I swipe a couple of pieces of bread from the dining hall, and assemble the sandwiches in my room before bed. Then I pack my sandwich in my lunchbox, and stash the whole bag away in the fridge until the next day. It’s convenient to have a meal to take with me, especially one high in protein and fiber.
I also got a couple tubs of vegan cashew yogurt, which tasted surprisingly authentic and delicious. I was only able to buy the unsweetened variety, so I swiped a few teaspoons of sugar from the dining hall and added it to the tub to sweeten it up a bit. This is what I’ve been eating most mornings, usually while I do my makeup and get ready.
I also ordered a few other comfort foods this week, as my college obviously does not provide dairy-free and meat-free alternatives for things like that. I let myself buy a pint of dairy-free ice cream from Ben and Jerry’s (finished immediately), and the best vegan boxed macaroni and cheese I’ve EVER had. Seriously, if you’re looking for amazing vegan mac-and-cheese, you have to try the cheddar style by Modern Table Meals. I’m definitely buying that in bulk the next time I order my groceries!
Anyway, that’s pretty much what I do to get by here at college and still enjoy food that tastes good. Although it may not sound like much, it really is enough to get me through the week until I order groceries again. It’s expensive, yes, but that’s the price we have to pay for having specific diets. I’m hoping in the future my college will expand to offer more dairy-free staples, like vegan cheese and almond milk. I’m getting pretty tired of drinking my hot coffee black in humid September.
Moving on, today has already been quite busy. I had to leave my Human Services class early because my professor started talking about lobotomies, and I do NOT fuck around with that kind of stuff. Especially since I hadn’t eaten anything yet, I was feeling really squeamish and didn’t want to risk passing out in class. I’ve been pretty tired since then- panic always makes me feel lethargic for the rest of the day. It must use up a lot of energy.
I decided to go ahead and write for my school’s fashion/lifestyle/culture magazine, so the rest of this week will probably be spent focusing on that. I love having writing projects and deadlines, so I’m looking forward to it! And, of course, I’m going to be working hard to punch out three articles a week on here, plus my weekly catch-up. This is the kind of work that makes me feel happy and fulfilled, so I’m really excited to tackle these various projects. I would say I probably spend 2-4 hours per day writing, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Wednesday, September 25th
My anxiety has been somewhat heightened for the past few weeks, and it seems to come in waves. Sometimes I am able to keep it under control, because I’ve learned a variety of coping mechanisms along the way, but other times I just have to ride the wave.
I had two instances of bad anxiety yesterday; the first was in my Human Services class, as I said, but I was able to leave the situation and go take deep breaths outside. Last night I had another bout of anxiety, but this one wasn’t the direct result of anything in particular. I was watching a show (a murder mystery actually), which obviously heightened my emotions and kept me on the edge of my seat. But then I suddenly started to feel a little anxious. And then, it just snowballed from there. Having anxiety at night can be the worst because there’s no one you can call or talk to; in this case it was 2:00am and everyone is asleep. I was extremely lucky because one of my friends happened to be awake at that time, and I chatted with her on the phone until I was calm again. Now that it’s the next morning, I’m absolutely exhausted. I do owe my aromatherapy rollerball some credit, because after I added some drops to my pillowcase, I started to slowly calm down and get sleepy. It’s never fun to have serious anxiety, but when it interferes with sleep, that’s especially not fun.
I also had some weird dreams; not quite nightmares, but tense and anxious in nature. I’m sure it’s all connected in some way. The good news is, I woke up today feeling fine (albeit tired). I have three classes today, so I’m hoping they go by relatively fast.
Friday, September 27th
I didn’t get any writing done yesterday, not even for classes or homework. My mom and my dog came to visit, so I was primarily preoccupied with that. We sat in the grass and I caught her up on all of my life happenings, and in general, it was just really nice to see her. We’re also planning on getting dinner next week with my brother, so I’m looking forward to that!
Afterwards, I felt pretty drained, so I didn’t end up getting any work done. I don’t think it has to do with the visit, I think it’s because I’m approaching my 4th week in my pill pack and I’m generally fatigued around that time. I’ve gotten a lot of texts from distant friends, but I haven’t replied to many of them. I feel like I just needed a little break from talking to people and helping them with their needs, so I could focus on my own needs for one night.
Saturday, September 28th
Yesterday ended up being really fun, but I didn’t end up writing any more because I was actually off campus! My good friend and I went to Playa Bowls in Boston for an early dinner, which was a lovely time and the banana bowl I got was delicious. If I had a steady income, I would be spending my money at Playa Bowls constantly! Afterwards we went to the Museum of Science to use the telescopes (also in Boston), and finished off the night at The Cheesecake Factory. It was a long night with a lot of walking, but we had tons of fun. Lily is someone I can laugh with all day, all night, and her personality is so vivacious. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, The Cheesecake Factory has the Impossible Burger!
I’m so happy that more restaurant chains are offering more plant-based options, including KFC, Subway, and Burger King. I will say that I’m not a huge fan of Impossible Foods due to their business practices, but if that’s the only thing on the menu I can eat, obviously I’ll take it. I respect Beyond Meat a lot more as a company, and love that you can even get their products at the supermarket! What are your favorite vegan menu items? I’d love to try the vegan chicken being tested at KFC, but it hasn’t caught up to New England yet.
I’ve been focusing a lot more on internships lately, because I need one to graduate in May. I will almost definitely be taking on a Spring internship, and it’s surprisingly hard to find something that appeals to me. Like I’ve said many times before, I’m not a corporate-oriented person. I’d love to find something that allows me to be creative, oral, and visual, rather than feel like a drone or a personal assistant. The unique thing about my degree (Digital Media + Social Justice) is that it applies to almost all industries, so hopefully I will find the perfect fit somewhere!
I’ve been feeling really great and calm for the past four days or so, and I’m expecting it to last for the rest of the week. However, once I reach the 3rd week of my pills, pure havoc is definitely going to break loose on my hormones. Better appreciate the calm before the storm while I can.
I was able to sleep in pretty late today because my Monday morning class only meets once a week, and the rest is done online. I got up around 11:30 and did a full face of makeup, had a sit-down breakfast, and now I’m working on some writing before my 2:00 class. I was able to sit and chat with one of my favorite professors today, and catch her up on all of my life happenings.
Today I’m working on my book gift guide and my Fab Fit Fun review, which will be out next week. I like to push about a week in advance when writing articles, at least. I love having something to constantly look forward to, something to constantly write.
Wednesday, September 18th
The work is starting to pick up a bit, which is good. I haven’t really been up to anything exciting, now that the initial chaos of my first week is over. I’ve definitely established my routine, and I still have extra time for self-care and adequate sleep. Maybe I’m just a fast worker, or maybe my workload just isn’t that heavy. It’s hard to say. I also feel like my temper is a bit more fiery than usual, but that comes and goes regularly.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I wish I had more friends, but specifically, more older, nerdy guy friends. Being on a college campus, of course, I’m surrounded by men and women in the 18-22 age range. I know this makes me sound arrogant, but I can’t stand being around most people in that age demographic. It’s especially annoying at my particular school, where cliques are rampant and drama spreads like wildfire.
18-22 year-olds are inherently selfish, and they should be. You’re still figuring yourself out and what you want to do with your life- it should be all about you. But being selfish makes it easier to hurt other people’s feelings, willingly or not. I prefer to spend my time with older, wiser, more experienced people, who (more or less) have their immediate life figured out. I like to hang out with people who have cars, apartments, and money, who are more inclined to talk about capitalism and American politics instead of trivial matters.
I know that this is what I prefer, because I’ve already formed these types of friendships in my young adult life. One of my best friends is a thirty-one year-old straight dude who lives in the Boston suburbs. I generally get along better with my professors than my classmates, and I’m sure many of them would attest to that. Drama really just seems to follow me when I start associating with other kids my age, especially catty girls.
I feel like it’s really not unheard of for lesbians to have more dude friends than average. I mean, what could be better than playing video games and talking about how hot girls are over a greasy bag of Burger King fries? Sounds like a pretty good gig to me.
I’m a little worried about my Micro-economics class. You may remember me saying last week that I was sure the abstract, big-picture ideas would go right over my head, and that’s exactly what’s happening. I’m trying to memorize the steps of the math, but in all honesty, I have NO idea what I’m doing. Thank goodness my professor only assigned four homework assignments for the entire semester.
Thursday, September 19th
It’s 11:59pm, and I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed with my computer in my lap. This week in general has been pretty uneventful, but I do have some exciting updates for the future. For one thing, I am going to see The Lion King musical with my family in about a month, per courtesy of my school’s uber-cheap tickets. I miss my mom and Mark a lot (even though he’s not my biological dad, I refer to them together as my parents), and I especially miss my dog. I don’t mention him a lot on here, but you can find pictures of Duke peppered throughout my social media!
I’m also considering joining my school’s fashion/beauty magazine, and it’s pretty much a done deal at this point. One of my classmates, who is a lovely friend, reached out to me and asked if I wanted to write for the magazine. From what she told me, the articles I would be writing are exactly the type of content I already love to put out. I’m very passionate about fashion, beauty, and lifestyle, especially when it’s creative and unconventional. I’m looking forward to this opportunity!
Like I mentioned a bit earlier, I usually refer to Mark as my dad now because I am estranged from my biological father. I’m not sure if that’s something I mentioned before on here. I obviously think it’s important to keep some parts of your life private, but I would like to open up about that more in the future if it’s something that became relevant to my viewers. Especially if there is a young man or women going through a similar broken relationship with a parent, I want to be a voice for you and share as much of my story as I can, because I think it’s important to talk about these things. Even though the damaged relationship with my father is not my fault, I still feel a lot of guilt as a result of his manipulation and gaslighting. If something tragic ever happened to him, I would probably feel responsible for being a bad daughter. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot, but like I said, I seldom tell people about that situation unless I feel it’s relevant or helpful.
Besides that being on my mind from time to time, I’ve been staying positive lately. I’m still working on finding the best treatment for my PMDD, but it might be something I have to take care of when I go home for my next holiday break. Many of the clinics and offices in my current location are booked out until the spring, so I might as well just talk to my primary care doctor when I go home instead. Or, best case scenario, maybe I’ll adapt to my current combination birth control pills sooner than later and I won’t end up needing to add another pill into the mix. That would be ideal, because I really want to get a cocktail on my 21st birthday and I certainly can’t do that while taking an SSRI!
Coming up this week
9/23- Gift Guide: The Perfect BOOK for Everyone on Your List
9/25- Gentleman Jack: A Celebration of History and Feminism
I had an idea a while ago to add a new “lifestyle” tab to my blog. I write quite a lot about my opinions, purchases, and commentary on certain subjects, but I very rarely update you guys on the daily happenings of my life. So, that’s what Sarah’s Weekly Catch-up is going to be: something of a weekly diary where I keep you updated on my school life, routines, and general fleeting thoughts. I do love to write detailed, researched, fact-based pieces about social issues and media, but it’s also nice to write something more relaxed, like a weekly letter home. But instead of home, it’s a weekly letter to…the internet?
Anywho, I decided to start writing today because I’m moving back into school on Sunday. I’ve had a mostly great summer, filled with tons of sleep, dog-walking, writing, and even some working out. I was happiest at the beginning of the summer, because I was so sick of school by April and desperately needed a break. Around August is when things started to falter a bit, because I finally got off an anxiety medication I’ve been taking for three years (as the side effects were starting to interfere with my daily life). I knew it would be hard to wean off -and it some ways, it was easier than I thought- but physically, the process destroyed me. When you withdraw from a medication that literally alters your brain chemistry, such as an SSRI, your brain sometimes gets confused and sends confused bolts of tiny electricity through your head as it tries to re-group. This is a real thing called “head jolts”, and it more or less dominated my life for about 3 full weeks. Eventually it did go away as my brain adjusted, but there was a time in that three-week period when I had to crawl around my apartment because my head was absolutely spinning.
I sadly fell out of working out while all of this was occurring, because I was exhausted and disoriented and simply lost my drive. One of my goals for this school year is to get back into exercising, potentially with yoga and frequent walks. I’d also like to work on improving my diet, because while it is fairly healthy now, I think it could be better.
Another frustrating thing that happened in August refers to some drama I had with my college, but that literally happens every semester. I know that no school is perfect, but I’ve been repeatedly shocked by how unprofessional and nonsensical my particular college is. I’ve taken to printing out copies of the emails they send me and filing them away, so that I can whip them out in situations when receipts are needed. It’s a pretty complex story, but in a nutshell, my school cancelled a MANDATORY class I needed to graduate because they couldn’t find an instructor, and left me scrambling by myself to put the pieces of their shitty error back together. Luckily, I have an amazing academic advisor, and he has more or less helped me sort out this mess. I’m fully anticipating more school chaos to come hurtling my way, because something always goes wrong along the way at this institution.
Anyway, those were the low points of August, but I’m trying to focus more on the high points to be celebrated in my life. I’m genuinely someone who loves learning, so I do look forward to starting new classes every year. Like I said, I am also interested in adding in some new lifestyle changes as well, like exercising again and taking better care of my body. My appearance has been subtly changing as well, and I’m taking on much more of a butch style. I don’t like to say “masculine” because I feel like it implies you’re wearing clothes designed for someone else. Like, I don’t think a woman wearing a suit means she’s wearing clothes designed for men. Maybe a suit to her makes her feel more like a woman, and to me, that’s femininity. I love having short, cropped hair, button-downs, and oversized tailored jackets. It’s not “masucline” to me- it makes me feel womanly. It makes me feel feminine. Same goes for a man who feels confident in a dress- if that makes you feel like a more powerful man, than you ROCK that dress, sir. Clothing, in my opinion, is inherently gender neutral. The beauty of personal style is that you can make it whatever you want.
Anywho, that was a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to update y’all on the direction of my style. I’m super inspired by 90s butch lesbians, like Ellen DeGeneres and of course, k.d. Lang. It’s such a beautiful expression of female energy, in a societal non-traditional way. I love women who push the boundaries of social acceptance, and that’s the kind of woman I’d like to be.
As I mentioned before, getting off my medication has kinda rocked my world and set me back physically/emotionally, but I’m working on hitting the reset button and building something better for myself. I know I deserve happiness and success, but it’s a constant battle and we all have to try our best to love ourselves and practice self care. Don’t ever deprive yourself of self-care, because it is a necessity, not a hobby!
Speaking of self care, I’m going to take a bubble bath and watch Modern Family.
Monday, September 9th
I don’t usually feel homesick while I’m at college. In fact, I was hardly homesick at all my first year- I think I missed home for a day or two, tops. I’ve never been good with change, though I tend to perk up once I fall into a routine. That’s something people seem to forget about folks with ADHD- having consistency and a solid plan can often be pivotal to our moods. That being said, I’m already feeling much better than I was yesterday. I felt almost as if I was moving in a gray glob of fog, and everything was slow and unfamiliar and strange (even though this is my third year going to college, and my last).
I’m also living in the same room as last year, which is nice. It’s large for a standard single, but I didn’t bring much *stuff* with me anyway. I really tried to only pack the things I know I’ll use on a weekly basis- bedding, toiletries, snacks, clothes, and my laptop. Last year I decorated my room to be super cutesy, and brought along things like flower garland and crystals, but this year I kept it simple. The only decor I really brought was my lesbian pride flag, which, ironically, isn’t hung straight. I don’t even have anything to store under my bed, and it feels so good to have a clean, minimal room!
I struggled a bit to fall asleep last night, because I’m used to having a mattress on the floor and feeling close to the ground. I have some new housemates, and they all seem lovely thus far. As an introvert, it shocked me that someone would come to my door, knock, and introduce themselves. I could never!
I’m still feeling a bit sluggish, like it’s taking me twice as long to do things here that would normally be fast at home. Nonetheless, I think I’ll be able to re-adjust quickly. Next on my agenda is to sort out all of that academic tosh my school threw onto my plate last month. Hopefully, my new major and class rank will be registered and complete by the end of the month, and somebody will finally answer my emails. We’ll see!
Wednesday, September 11th
It’s been a turbulent few days, but none of them have been completely good or bad. There is some good news straightaway- my individualized degree is in the process of being finalized, so I no longer have to worry about my graduation date being pushed. The only unexpected change is that I now have to take a micro-economics class, and I’m painfully realistic about the fact that I very well may hate it. I struggle with abstract ideas and numbers, and can only comprehend math up to about a sixth-grade level, according to my neuropsych results. Nonetheless, I’m trying to stay optimistic, and I’m currently working on informing my professors about my learning disabilities.
My anxiety has been coming in waves, but I’m generally externally calm. Part of college is figuring out who you have beef with, and there are definitely a few people who have made it clear they’re not happy I’m back. At this point, though, I know who my good friends are, and those are the people I’m sticking with. My primary goal and my purpose for being here is solely to earn my bachelor’s degree, and then put this chapter of my life behind me.
Another noteworthy update has to do with my recent social commentary article, “Should We Be Worried About Julia Zelg?”. I was expecting heightened traffic, for sure, but I didn’t think it was going to appear so high in the search bar and receive so much attention. I’m sure Julia has read it, and Eileen probably has to. I was nervous that my article would be received as hate, but the general consensus seems to be positive. The people who have expressed anger towards my article are apparently unaware of what a “blog” is- a place where one can freely express their thoughts and opinions, and give my two cents on what I find interesting. “Get a life” isn’t an adequate comeback- covering social issues and writing opinion pieces IS both my life and my work.
Anywho, I just wanted to express my surprise that the article garnered so many clicks, and I’m honestly relieved that other people felt the same way I did (for the most part). Part of my work as a writer is to vocalize opinions and feelings that other people may struggle to put together on their own. Obviously a “gossip” piece or a social commentary essay is trivial, but I also love to expand my voice into advocacy, criticism of bigotry, and generally delivering justice with words.
I’m only three days into school, but the classes I am most excited about are Human Services and Communication Research. The latter has actually garnered a number of groans and complaints from my classmates, but hey, I LOVE that shit. Research and writing, again, is what my life’s all about. I’ve also taken a class with this professor before, and know him to be strict but fair. I’m looking forward to writing my twenty-page research paper at the end of the semester.
Thursday, September 12
I’m a shower thinker. I was reflecting today about the root of attachment and how that can contribute to suffering, so I mused on it for a while and decided I ought to write about it to filter out my mind. It’s going to be long-winded and all over the place, but that’s usually how my thoughts go.
There is a distinct difference between love and attachment, but unfortunately, the media and our environment can cause us to get them confused. Television and music loves to romanticize attachment- especially when it comes to convincing young girls they need a man to be happy. That certainly doesn’t help when you’re already suffering from attachment issues, especially with a father figure, or if you’re a lesbian, struggling to figure out your identity.
A lot of women who eventually come out as lesbians have dated men in their earlier life. I’m one of those people- I first said I was straight, then I was bi, and then, I finally fully accepted my homosexuality. Like I said earlier, attachment can very easily be mistaken for love because of the way we are conditioned to feel. When I was growing up, I felt so ashamed and distraught about being a lesbian, I made a consistent effort to shove that part of my identity away. To fill the void I felt where my father should have been, and because I struggled to feel accepted by a male figure, I quickly became attached to the idea of having a boyfriend as soon as I reached relationship age. If I didn’t have a boy to give me attention, I felt like a worthless girl. I especially struggled with feeling jealous of my friends who did have boyfriends, and constantly felt stressed that I would never be good enough.
I’m not completely blaming my dad or the media, but I do know that with different circumstances, I could have explored my homosexuality much sooner and avoided so much attachment, obsession, and pain. By the time I was in college, I had more or less began to let a little bit of the truth creep in. I allowed myself to open up to women, but still, a part of me felt very attached to men and I was obsessively convinced I needed one to feel complete.
As my romantic and sexual experiences with women blossomed, I was finally able to distinguish the difference between attachment and love. Love has no competition, no jealousy, and no urge for validation. The best way I can describe this revelation is when you THINK you know something is the best, until you experience something even better that replaces what you previously thought. With exploring my homosexuality, I discovered that this was the real, selfless, authentic love I had been searching for, and what I previously had coined as “love” was a coping mechanism for my attachment issues and compulsory hetersexuality. I’m not saying I didn’t think I was in love when I was fourteen, but in retrospect, I can confidently say that what I actually felt was socially-enforced infatuation.
I still sometimes struggle with feelings of jealousy, especially when my friends have partners and I do not, but I am working on letting that anger go. It doesn’t matter the sexual orientation- I simply just get jealous that somebody else is loved, and I am not. This does tie in with the attachment issues I am continuously overcoming, but the more I accept these issues, the more I can separate them from love and acknowledge them as a toxic behaviour.
I was reminded of this today. About six months ago, when I was still trying to hold onto that last bit of “I-like-men” security blanket, I was hooking up with a guy I met on tinder. At least, I was trying to hook up. As I became a lesbian, my BODY was literally rejecting him every time we tried to hook up. It was like my vagina just slammed shut every time he tried to get near me, until finally, I had to own up to him that I was pretty certain I was gay. What’s funny is, I never actually found sex with men that appealing. It was more so something, again, I felt I HAD to do in order to reach some form of self-actualization. Straight sex was something I tried to convince myself I could “learn to like”, but eventually, I just allowed myself (and the guy) to know that I found it kind of painful and nauseating.
He knew it was coming, too. I had been expressing to him for a while that I had always leaned more towards girls than guys, and the older I got, the more I leaned. Even though we got together primarily as friends with benefits, we ended up developing a friendship that went on even after our sexual relationship ended. To this day, he’s one of my best friends.
I was bothered today because I saw him for the first time in a few months. He has a new girlfriend, and like I am with all of my friends, I felt instantly defensive and jealous. There was another added element of attachment, because like I said, I had really used him as a security blanket when I was confused about my sexuality. Even though I’ve come to peace with it now, I still felt uncomfortable with the fact that a person I was once attached to had replaced me. It caused me a lot of distress today, because, in a way, it made me feel like a bad lesbian.
But I’m not. And that’s why I’m writing this article- there is a huge difference between love and attachment. I felt attached to him because he made me feel safe, but I never loved him. And that’s why so many lesbians, including myself, struggle SO MUCH to accept out homosexuality. We are constantly papered with the romanticism of attachment, and the social construct that all women need men to feel complete. I feel like it’s something that isn’t talked about nearly enough, and in turn, it contributes to homosexual people feeling like they have “failed.”
If you’re reading this and you’ve felt a similar way before, I just want to say that you’re not a failure. Human psychology, sociology, and sexuality is such a complex, intertwined cluster of subjects. And it’s high-time we start tackling the expectations put on women in a society so focused on attachment, especially for those trying so desperately to just figure everything the fuck out.
Saturday, September 14th
This has been my first real day of doing “nothing” since I arrived at school last Sunday. Because my weekdays are very checklist oriented (“do this, then do this, then do this”), I allow myself to have NO agenda on Saturdays. I thoroughly enjoyed laying in bed for the majority of the day and playing The Sims. Who here is SO EXCITED about the new Realm of Magic game pack? Because I sure am!
I also had an opportunity to really test out the goodies in my Fab Fit Fun box, which came in the mail yesterday. I have a review of the box scheduled to post for September 23rd, which will give me plenty of time to test out the products and form a fair opinion about them. I’m already loving so many things I received, and I’m looking forward to putting together that article.
Update on PMDD: Like I said, I recently got off Lexapro after being on it for nearly three years. The wonderful thing about SSRIs is that they tend to keep your mood stagnant, and now that I’m not on one, I definitely feel a little chaotic and all over the place. I’m constantly striving to take care of myself and prioritize my health, so I’m actively looking for some new treatment to help me with my returning PMDD symptoms. One thing I might do is get back on Lexapro, and add Wellbutrin to combat the side effects. I would rather try a more natural approach before getting medicated again, so another thing I am considering is CBD oil. Weed has never been my gig, and I’ve never smoked it, but my impression of CBD is that it’s an entirely different thing. I probably will try a multitude of different treatments, and see which one works best for my life and my body. To anyone who is struggling with mental illness or a debilitating disorder, don’t give up! There are people designated to helping you and supporting you on your journey, so never hesitate to reach out to them. I have never regretted for asking for help with my PMDD, and because of that, I know I have these versatile options for managing it. Fellow women with PMDD- what are your stories and self-care methods?
Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a work day. I’m posting this, for one thing, and then I will be chugging through some schoolwork for the rest of the evening. I’ve really enjoyed writing in a diary-style format, and hope to continue sharing my personal experiences of my daily life (though maybe not too many, because I’m pretty sure some faculty members at my college read my blog). Thank you for reading and catching up with me!
Coming up this week:
9/16- What’s in Season in September?
9/18- My Numbers Have Colors: Synesthesia
9/20- Gift Guide: The Perfect BOOK For Everyone on Your List