Monday, June 29

Good morning, everyone! I hope you’re feeling ready for the week ahead. I’m feeling pretty great right now; I’m the only one home at Nathaniel’s house because everyone is at work, so I thought I would take this opportunity to get some blogging done. He’s working from 9:30-6:00, so I’m going to have to get busy entertaining myself (which shouldn’t be a problem.)

2020-06-28 19_48_28.912.JPG

We had a really lovely little date last night. I had this idea to set us up a little dinner on his back porch with a candle and a vase of daisies, and I put on a mellow 70s playlist for us to enjoy over our meal. We also had the most delicious pineapple margaritas I’ve ever had in my life! As you can see, I was really excited to be drinking it.

I’m going home tomorrow, and I’m so excited to tear open my pile of mail and have my new debit card. I didn’t realize how much I used it until I didn’t have one! I’m also hoping my food stamps card has arrived, because I desperately need to buy some groceries. I also have two fun packages coming in the mail: Wendelin Van Draanen has sent me copies of two of her books, and my Fab Fit Fun box is coming this week as well. I’d love to write a book review of what WVD sent me- what do you guys think?


Saturday, July 4

I haven’t sat down to write in a few days, so I figured I should probably update you guys on the fun happenings in my life. On Wednesday, I had a job interview at Starbucks, and I was offered a position immediately after the interview! I was so over the moon and excited to start working on this team. Even though I was only there for about twenty minutes or so, everyone was so nice to me and made me feel immediately at home. I’m really looking forward to getting started in a couple of weeks.

The rest of my week was not too exciting. I made a new collection of journals, which are now published on my Etsy shop for sale. I also received my debit card and my food stamps card in the mail, which was awesome, because it meant I could finally go grocery shopping. In-between that, I’ve just been sleeping, playing The Sims, cleaning and doing laundry, and running errands. Yesterday, I went to the post office to ship out some orders, Star Market to get a few groceries, and then Michael’s to get some more journal-making supplies. So nothing too exciting, but I’m honestly having a great time. I’m in my best week of the month, the month in which I get super productive and energetic before PMDD hits.

I’m going on vacation on Sunday for five days, so I’m going to step away from my computer while Nathaniel and I are living it up in Maine with my mom and stepfather. I do have some articles pre-scheduled, so my content will be the same, but I probably won’t get around to my newsletter until I come home on Sunday. I’ll catch up with you all next week!

When I was in middle school, I always sat with the same group of friends during English class. One of the girls, who had Aspergers syndrome, usually had an aid sitting with her as well. When we got bored in class, the four of us (including the aid) would pass around scraps of paper and take turns writing down things that make us happy. It was extremely wholesome, and I still have all of those little scraps somewhere in my closet. Today, I wanted to recreate that idea with an updated list of things that make me happy. Enjoy!

Image result for quotes about happiness

  1. Cows
  2. Fancy rats
  3. Mozzarella sticks
  4. Panera Broccoli and Cheddar Soup
  5. Juvia’s Place
  6. The Sims 4
  7. Blueberry tea
  8. Caramel macchiatos 
  9. Fluffy, squishy dogs
  10. Flemish Giant Rabbits
  11. Persian Cats
  12. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.
  13. My beautiful mother and (soon to be) stepfather
  14. Winter candles
  15. Regina Spektor
  16. Strawberries and bananas
  17. Chocolate
  18. Even numbers
  19. The Golden Hour
  20. Laughing until you cry
  21. Kissing pretty girls
  22. Real Simple
  23. Sunflowers
  24. Lesbian vests
  25. KD Lang
  26. Thrifting
  27. Snuggling with Duke and giving him big, smooshy kisses
  28. Eli
  29. Being busy + managing my projects
  30. Writing handwritten letters
  31. Pastel lined paper
  32. Sunshine
  33. Strawberry frosted donuts
  34. When Eli’s cat sits on my lap
  35. Meaningful conversations
  36. Brand new books that still have that booky smell
  37. Getting paid & putting money into my savings account
  38. Weighted blankets
  39. Stand-up comedy
  40. Glitter
  41. Collecting eyeshadow palettes
  42. Big hugs
  43. Cucumber water
  44. Red roses
  45. Downloading CC for my sims
  46. When little kids come up to me and tell me they like my makeup 
  47. Coffee shops in Boston
  48. A THICC winged liner
  49. Cloudy days
  50. Dainty jewelry
  51. Falling in love

IMG_5525.jpg

Monday, September 23rd  

It’s unbearably hot in Massachusetts right now, and the flimsy window fan in my room isn’t helping. It looks like the rest of the week is going to be just as hot, so I’m trying to brace myself for that and seek out all the AC’s placed on campus. 

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about my future, and what type of life I would eventually like to fall into. One thing I know for certain is that I do not want to become a corporate drone. I do not want to wake up every day and dread my useless 9-5 life. I know that nobody enjoys working boring 9-5 jobs, but I would especially despise it. In order for my life to feel meaningful, I need to do work that matters to me and sparks passion. It’s my ultimate goal in life to help people, and lessen the emotional burden we face in the stressful environment of my country. I want to make people laugh, smile, and relax, in any way I can. Even if it means I’m working 14 hour days and just scraping by, I will work those hours tirelessly and with so much joy in my heart. All I want in a career is to be my own boss, make my own money, and do what makes me feel meaningful.

I’m also very focused on working with animals. I adore ALL animals, with the exception of bugs and other creepy-crawly insects. But everything else? I am READY to devote my life to you. As a sensitive person, I’ve always felt extremely connected to animals and wanted to spend time with them. I volunteered for a short while at a farm over the summer, and then spent the rest of my time pet-sitting in my apartment building. My life goal is to have a pet cow; not even for agricultural purposes, I just want to have a cow to hang out with and take care of. 

This is a really long-winded way of saying I want to live somewhere with tons of animals: cows, goats, horses, chickens, dogs, cats, and small animals, like rats. I’m reluctant to call it a farm, because like I said, I’m not using it for agriculture. But I want to open up my land to the public, and allow guests to get close-up to the animals and learn how to handle them. I want to open up my land to cow-cuddling, so people can learn how affectionate and gentle these creatures are. Obviously, I would have to monetize this business to get by, and I would also want to blog about my animals, sell merch, or open up a Bed-and-Breakfast. In a nutshell, I want to start a community where people can come and just spend close-up time with animals. I mean, it would be the best of both worlds. I get to hang out with animals, and, I get to help people while working from home! (Future wife: I hope you’re on board with this.)

I recently re-took an assesment on MASScis called Career Cluster Inventory, which is a resource I’ve been using for years now. It’s free and extremely easy to find, so I highly suggest it to all of you. Basically, you are provided with a list of activities, and rate how much you would be interested in each of those activities. At the end of the assessment, the website generates which industries, in best-to-worst order, are ideal for you. My number one industry is Business Management, my second is arts, and my third is human services. I just wanted to throw that tidbit in there for you guys, because I think it’s a really amazing resource. I’ll leave the link to MASScis at the bottom of the page, if any of you are interested in that.

By the way, I am still using a lot of my Fab Fit Fun products regularly! I used up all of the delicious-smelling sugar cubes, and today I used my lunchbox to carry my food. More to come on that tomorrow!


Tuesday, September 24th

Like I said, I’ve been using my lunch box frequently since I received it in my Fab Fit Fun box. Because my diet is very specific and somewhat limited (my choice), I do have to make time in my schedule to order groceries and prepare meals. I have free delivery from Whole Foods because I’m an Amazon Prime user, so that definitely helps me tremendously. I prefer to have my groceries delivered because I don’t have a car, so literally walking to the grocery store is a hassle and a waste of time. I feel lucky that I live relatively close to a Whole Foods (within four miles), so I can have my groceries delivered within two hours.

This week I ordered some kitchen staples, like vegan Deli meat and vegan cheese, to make sandwiches with. The packages are small and compact, so they fit in my fridge perfectly, and one pack can last me up to a week. Every night I swipe a couple of pieces of bread from the dining hall, and assemble the sandwiches in my room before bed. Then I pack my sandwich in my lunchbox, and stash the whole bag away in the fridge until the next day. It’s convenient to have a meal to take with me, especially one high in protein and fiber. 

I also got a couple tubs of vegan cashew yogurt, which tasted surprisingly authentic and delicious. I was only able to buy the unsweetened variety, so I swiped a few teaspoons of sugar from the dining hall and added it to the tub to sweeten it up a bit. This is what I’ve been eating most mornings, usually while I do my makeup and get ready.

I also ordered a few other comfort foods this week, as my college obviously does not provide dairy-free and meat-free alternatives for things like that. I let myself buy a pint of dairy-free ice cream from Ben and Jerry’s (finished immediately), and the best vegan boxed macaroni and cheese I’ve EVER had. Seriously, if you’re looking for amazing vegan mac-and-cheese, you have to try the cheddar style by Modern Table Meals. I’m definitely buying that in bulk the next time I order my groceries!

Anyway, that’s pretty much what I do to get by here at college and still enjoy food that tastes good. Although it may not sound like much, it really is enough to get me through the week until I order groceries again. It’s expensive, yes, but that’s the price we have to pay for having specific diets. I’m hoping in the future my college will expand to offer more dairy-free staples, like vegan cheese and almond milk. I’m getting pretty tired of drinking my hot coffee black in humid September.

Moving on, today has already been quite busy. I had to leave my Human Services class early because my professor started talking about lobotomies, and I do NOT fuck around with that kind of stuff. Especially since I hadn’t eaten anything yet, I was feeling really squeamish and didn’t want to risk passing out in class. I’ve been pretty tired since then- panic always makes me feel lethargic for the rest of the day. It must use up a lot of energy. 

I decided to go ahead and write for my school’s fashion/lifestyle/culture magazine, so the rest of this week will probably be spent focusing on that. I love having writing projects and deadlines, so I’m looking forward to it! And, of course, I’m going to be working hard to punch out three articles a week on here, plus my weekly catch-up. This is the kind of work that makes me feel happy and fulfilled, so I’m really excited to tackle these various projects. I would say I probably spend 2-4 hours per day writing, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. 


Wednesday, September 25th

My anxiety has been somewhat heightened for the past few weeks, and it seems to come in waves. Sometimes I am able to keep it under control, because I’ve learned a variety of coping mechanisms along the way, but other times I just have to ride the wave. 

I had two instances of bad anxiety yesterday; the first was in my Human Services class, as I said, but I was able to leave the situation and go take deep breaths outside. Last night I had another bout of anxiety, but this one wasn’t the direct result of anything in particular. I was watching a show (a murder mystery actually), which obviously heightened my emotions and kept me on the edge of my seat. But then I suddenly started to feel a little anxious. And then, it just snowballed from there. Having anxiety at night can be the worst because there’s no one you can call or talk to; in this case it was 2:00am and everyone is asleep. I was extremely lucky because one of my friends happened to be awake at that time, and I chatted with her on the phone until I was calm again. Now that it’s the next morning, I’m absolutely exhausted. I do owe my aromatherapy rollerball some credit, because after I added some drops to my pillowcase, I started to slowly calm down and get sleepy. It’s never fun to have serious anxiety, but when it interferes with sleep, that’s especially not fun.

I also had some weird dreams; not quite nightmares, but tense and anxious in nature. I’m sure it’s all connected in some way. The good news is, I woke up today feeling fine (albeit tired). I have three classes today, so I’m hoping they go by relatively fast. 


Friday, September 27th

I didn’t get any writing done yesterday, not even for classes or homework. My mom and my dog came to visit, so I was primarily preoccupied with that. We sat in the grass and I caught her up on all of my life happenings, and in general, it was just really nice to see her. We’re also planning on getting dinner next week with my brother, so I’m looking forward to that!

IMG_5480.jpg
So good to see my favorite boy this week!

 

Afterwards, I felt pretty drained, so I didn’t end up getting any work done. I don’t think it has to do with the visit, I think it’s because I’m approaching my 4th week in my pill pack and I’m generally fatigued around that time. I’ve gotten a lot of texts from distant friends, but I haven’t replied to many of them. I feel like I just needed a little break from talking to people and helping them with their needs, so I could focus on my own needs for one night. 


Saturday, September 28th

Yesterday ended up being really fun, but I didn’t end up writing any more because I was actually off campus! My good friend and I went to Playa Bowls in Boston for an early dinner, which was a lovely time and the banana bowl I got was delicious. If I had a steady income, I would be spending my money at Playa Bowls constantly! Afterwards we went to the Museum of Science to use the telescopes (also in Boston), and finished off the night at The Cheesecake Factory. It was a long night with a lot of walking, but we had tons of fun. Lily is someone I can laugh with all day, all night, and her personality is so vivacious. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, The Cheesecake Factory has the Impossible Burger!

IMG_5501.jpg
Two absolute snacks in one picture

I’m so happy that more restaurant chains are offering more plant-based options, including KFC, Subway, and Burger King. I will say that I’m not a huge fan of Impossible Foods due to their business practices, but if that’s the only thing on the menu I can eat, obviously I’ll take it. I respect Beyond Meat a lot more as a company, and love that you can even get their products at the supermarket! What are your favorite vegan menu items? I’d love to try the vegan chicken being tested at KFC, but it hasn’t caught up to New England yet.

I’ve been focusing a lot more on internships lately, because I need one to graduate in May. I will almost definitely be taking on a Spring internship, and it’s surprisingly hard to find something that appeals to me. Like I’ve said many times before, I’m not a corporate-oriented person. I’d love to find something that allows me to be creative, oral, and visual, rather than feel like a drone or a personal assistant. The unique thing about my degree (Digital Media + Social Justice) is that it applies to almost all industries, so hopefully I will find the perfect fit somewhere!


MASScis: https://masscis.intocareers.org/loginmain.aspx?SiteType=4&cookieTest=y

You don’t have to sign up for an account, you can just insert your zip code and town!

Coming up this week:

9/30- Yes, Your Mental Health is More Important Than a Good Grade

10/2- Six Controversial Foods and My Opinions on Them

10/4- News Flash: The Lisa Frank Kickstarters Still Haven’t Received Products

IMG_5280.jpg

Thursday, September 4th

I had an idea a while ago to add a new “lifestyle” tab to my blog. I write quite a lot about my opinions, purchases, and commentary on certain subjects, but I very rarely update you guys on the daily happenings of my life. So, that’s what Sarah’s Weekly Catch-up is going to be: something of a weekly diary where I keep you updated on my school life, routines, and general fleeting thoughts. I do love to write detailed, researched, fact-based pieces about social issues and media, but it’s also nice to write something more relaxed, like a weekly letter home. But instead of home, it’s a weekly letter to…the internet?

Anywho, I decided to start writing today because I’m moving back into school on Sunday. I’ve had a mostly great summer, filled with tons of sleep, dog-walking, writing, and even some working out. I was happiest at the beginning of the summer, because I was so sick of school by April and desperately needed a break. Around August is when things started to falter a bit, because I finally got off an anxiety medication I’ve been taking for three years (as the side effects were starting to interfere with my daily life). I knew it would be hard to wean off -and it some ways, it was easier than I thought- but physically, the process destroyed me. When you withdraw from a medication that literally alters your brain chemistry, such as an SSRI, your brain sometimes gets confused and sends confused bolts of tiny electricity through your head as it tries to re-group. This is a real thing called “head jolts”, and it more or less dominated my life for about 3 full weeks. Eventually it did go away as my brain adjusted, but there was a time in that three-week period when I had to crawl around my apartment because my head was absolutely spinning. 

I sadly fell out of working out while all of this was occurring, because I was exhausted and disoriented and simply lost my drive. One of my goals for this school year is to get back into exercising, potentially with yoga and frequent walks. I’d also like to work on improving my diet, because while it is fairly healthy now, I think it could be better.

Another frustrating thing that happened in August refers to some drama I had with my college, but that literally happens every semester. I know that no school is perfect, but I’ve been repeatedly shocked by how unprofessional and nonsensical my particular college is. I’ve taken to printing out copies of the emails they send me and filing them away, so that I can whip them out in situations when receipts are needed. It’s a pretty complex story, but in a nutshell, my school cancelled a MANDATORY class I needed to graduate because they couldn’t find an instructor, and left me scrambling by myself to put the pieces of their shitty error back together. Luckily, I have an amazing academic advisor, and he has more or less helped me sort out this mess. I’m fully anticipating more school chaos to come hurtling my way, because something always goes wrong along the way at this institution.

Anyway, those were the low points of August, but I’m trying to focus more on the high points to be celebrated in my life. I’m genuinely someone who loves learning, so I do look forward to starting new classes every year. Like I said, I am also interested in adding in some new lifestyle changes as well, like exercising again and taking better care of my body. My appearance has been subtly changing as well, and I’m taking on much more of a butch style. I don’t like to say “masculine” because I feel like it implies you’re wearing clothes designed for someone else. Like, I don’t think a woman wearing a suit means she’s wearing clothes designed for men. Maybe a suit to her makes her feel more like a woman, and to me, that’s femininity. I love having short, cropped hair, button-downs, and oversized tailored jackets. It’s not “masucline” to me- it makes me feel womanly. It makes me feel feminine. Same goes for a man who feels confident in a dress- if that makes you feel like a more powerful man, than you ROCK that dress, sir. Clothing, in my opinion, is inherently gender neutral. The beauty of personal style is that you can make it whatever you want. 

Anywho, that was a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to update y’all on the direction of my style. I’m super inspired by 90s butch lesbians, like Ellen DeGeneres and of course, k.d. Lang. It’s such a beautiful expression of female energy, in a societal non-traditional way. I love women who push the boundaries of social acceptance, and that’s the kind of woman I’d like to be. 

As I mentioned before, getting off my medication has kinda rocked my world and set me back physically/emotionally, but I’m working on hitting the reset button and building something better for myself. I know I deserve happiness and success, but it’s a constant battle and we all have to try our best to love ourselves and practice self care. Don’t ever deprive yourself of self-care, because it is a necessity, not a hobby!

Speaking of self care, I’m going to take a bubble bath and watch Modern Family


Monday, September 9th

I don’t usually feel homesick while I’m at college. In fact, I was hardly homesick at all my first year- I think I missed home for a day or two, tops. I’ve never been good with change, though I tend to perk up once I fall into a routine. That’s something people seem to forget about folks with ADHD- having consistency and a solid plan can often be pivotal to our moods. That being said, I’m already feeling much better than I was yesterday. I felt almost as if I was moving in a gray glob of fog, and everything was slow and unfamiliar and strange (even though this is my third year going to college, and my last). 

938FE105-DF28-4CE8-804C-E8E7BEA96531.JPG
All moved in! Same room as last year, too, in case you were wondering why it looked familiar.

I’m also living in the same room as last year, which is nice. It’s large for a standard single, but I didn’t bring much *stuff* with me anyway. I really tried to only pack the things I know I’ll use on a weekly basis- bedding, toiletries, snacks, clothes, and my laptop. Last year I decorated my room to be super cutesy, and brought along things like flower garland and crystals, but this year I kept it simple. The only decor I really brought was my lesbian pride flag, which, ironically, isn’t hung straight. I don’t even have anything to store under my bed, and it feels so good to have a clean, minimal room!

I struggled a bit to fall asleep last night, because I’m used to having a mattress on the floor and feeling close to the ground. I have some new housemates, and they all seem lovely thus far. As an introvert, it shocked me that someone would come to my door, knock, and introduce themselves. I could never!

I’m still feeling a bit sluggish, like it’s taking me twice as long to do things here that would normally be fast at home. Nonetheless, I think I’ll be able to re-adjust quickly. Next on my agenda is to sort out all of that academic tosh my school threw onto my plate last month. Hopefully, my new major and class rank will be registered and complete by the end of the month, and somebody will finally answer my emails. We’ll see!


Wednesday, September 11th

It’s been a turbulent few days, but none of them have been completely good or bad. There is some good news straightaway- my individualized degree is in the process of being finalized, so I no longer have to worry about my graduation date being pushed. The only unexpected change is that I now have to take a micro-economics class, and I’m painfully realistic about the fact that I very well may hate it. I struggle with abstract ideas and numbers, and can only comprehend math up to about a sixth-grade level, according to my neuropsych results. Nonetheless, I’m trying to stay optimistic, and I’m currently working on informing my professors about my learning disabilities.

IMG_5218.jpg
This is me meeting my friend’s housemate’s dog, Taps. I was crying REAL TEARS playing with her.

My anxiety has been coming in waves, but I’m generally externally calm. Part of college is figuring out who you have beef with, and there are definitely a few people who have made it clear they’re not happy I’m back. At this point, though, I know who my good friends are, and those are the people I’m sticking with. My primary goal and my purpose for being here is solely to earn my bachelor’s degree, and then put this chapter of my life behind me.

Another noteworthy update has to do with my recent social commentary article, “Should We Be Worried About Julia Zelg?”. I was expecting heightened traffic, for sure, but I didn’t think it was going to appear so high in the search bar and receive so much attention. I’m sure Julia has read it, and Eileen probably has to. I was nervous that my article would be received as hate, but the general consensus seems to be positive. The people who have expressed anger towards my article are apparently unaware of what a “blog” is- a place where one can freely express their thoughts and opinions, and give my two cents on what I find interesting. “Get a life” isn’t an adequate comeback- covering social issues and writing opinion pieces IS both my life and my work.

Anywho, I just wanted to express my surprise that the article garnered so many clicks, and I’m honestly relieved that other people felt the same way I did (for the most part). Part of my work as a writer is to vocalize opinions and feelings that other people may struggle to put together on their own. Obviously a “gossip” piece or a social commentary essay is trivial, but I also love to expand my voice into advocacy, criticism of bigotry, and generally delivering justice with words.

I’m only three days into school, but the classes I am most excited about are Human Services and Communication Research. The latter has actually garnered a number of groans and complaints from my classmates, but hey, I LOVE that shit. Research and writing, again, is what my life’s all about. I’ve also taken a class with this professor before, and know him to be strict but fair. I’m looking forward to writing my twenty-page research paper at the end of the semester.


Thursday, September 12

I’m a shower thinker. I was reflecting today about the root of attachment and how that can contribute to suffering, so I mused on it for a while and decided I ought to write about it to filter out my mind. It’s going to be long-winded and all over the place, but that’s usually how my thoughts go.

There is a distinct difference between love and attachment, but unfortunately, the media and our environment can cause us to get them confused. Television and music loves to romanticize attachment- especially when it comes to convincing young girls they need a man to be happy. That certainly doesn’t help when you’re already suffering from attachment issues, especially with a father figure, or if you’re a lesbian, struggling to figure out your identity.

A lot of women who eventually come out as lesbians have dated men in their earlier life. I’m one of those people- I first said I was straight, then I was bi, and then, I finally fully accepted my homosexuality. Like I said earlier, attachment can very easily be mistaken for love because of the way we are conditioned to feel. When I was growing up, I felt so ashamed and distraught about being a lesbian, I made a consistent effort to shove that part of my identity away. To fill the void I felt where my father should have been, and because I struggled to feel accepted by a male figure, I quickly became attached to the idea of having a boyfriend as soon as I reached relationship age. If I didn’t have a boy to give me attention, I felt like a worthless girl. I especially struggled with feeling jealous of my friends who did have boyfriends, and constantly felt stressed that I would never be good enough. 

I’m not completely blaming my dad or the media, but I do know that with different circumstances, I could have explored my homosexuality much sooner and avoided so much attachment, obsession, and pain. By the time I was in college, I had more or less began to let a little bit of the truth creep in. I allowed myself to open up to women, but still, a part of me felt very attached to men and I was obsessively convinced I needed one to feel complete. 

As my romantic and sexual experiences with women blossomed, I was finally able to distinguish the difference between attachment and love. Love has no competition, no jealousy, and no urge for validation. The best way I can describe this revelation is when you THINK you know something is the best, until you experience something even better that replaces what you previously thought. With exploring my homosexuality, I discovered that this was the real, selfless, authentic love I had been searching for, and what I previously had coined as “love” was a coping mechanism for my attachment issues and compulsory hetersexuality. I’m not saying I didn’t think I was in love when I was fourteen, but in retrospect, I can confidently say that what I actually felt was socially-enforced infatuation. 

I still sometimes struggle with feelings of jealousy, especially when my friends have partners and I do not, but I am working on letting that anger go. It doesn’t matter the sexual orientation- I simply just get jealous that somebody else is loved, and I am not. This does tie in with the attachment issues I am continuously overcoming, but the more I accept these issues, the more I can separate them from love and acknowledge them as a toxic behaviour.

I was reminded of this today. About six months ago, when I was still trying to hold onto that last bit of “I-like-men” security blanket, I was hooking up with a guy I met on tinder. At least, I was trying to hook up. As I became a lesbian, my BODY was literally rejecting him every time we tried to hook up. It was like my vagina just slammed shut every time he tried to get near me, until finally, I had to own up to him that I was pretty certain I was gay. What’s funny is, I never actually found sex with men that appealing. It was more so something, again, I felt I HAD to do in order to reach some form of self-actualization. Straight sex was something I tried to convince myself I could “learn to like”, but eventually, I just allowed myself (and the guy) to know that I found it kind of painful and nauseating.

He knew it was coming, too. I had been expressing to him for a while that I had always leaned more towards girls than guys, and the older I got, the more I leaned. Even though we got together primarily as friends with benefits, we ended up developing a friendship that went on even after our sexual relationship ended. To this day, he’s one of my best friends.

I was bothered today because I saw him for the first time in a few months. He has a new girlfriend, and like I am with all of my friends, I felt instantly defensive and jealous. There was another added element of attachment, because like I said, I had really used him as a security blanket when I was confused about my sexuality. Even though I’ve come to peace with it now, I still felt uncomfortable with the fact that a person I was once attached to had replaced me. It caused me a lot of distress today, because, in a way, it made me feel like a bad lesbian.

But I’m not. And that’s why I’m writing this article- there is a huge difference between love and attachment. I felt attached to him because he made me feel safe, but I never loved him. And that’s why so many lesbians, including myself, struggle SO MUCH to accept out homosexuality. We are constantly papered with the romanticism of attachment, and the social construct that all women need men to feel complete. I feel like it’s something that isn’t talked about nearly enough, and in turn, it contributes to homosexual people feeling like they have “failed.”

If you’re reading this and you’ve felt a similar way before, I just want to say that you’re not a failure. Human psychology, sociology, and sexuality is such a complex, intertwined cluster of subjects. And it’s high-time we start tackling the expectations put on women in a society so focused on attachment, especially for those trying so desperately to just figure everything the fuck out.


Saturday, September 14th

This has been my first real day of doing “nothing” since I arrived at school last Sunday. Because my weekdays are very checklist oriented (“do this, then do this, then do this”), I allow myself to have NO agenda on Saturdays. I thoroughly enjoyed laying in bed for the majority of the day and playing The Sims. Who here is SO EXCITED about the new Realm of Magic game pack? Because I sure am!

I also had an opportunity to really test out the goodies in my Fab Fit Fun box, which came in the mail yesterday. I have a review of the box scheduled to post for September 23rd, which will give me plenty of time to test out the products and form a fair opinion about them. I’m already loving so many things I received, and I’m looking forward to putting together that article.

IMG_5281.JPG
Fab Fit Fun article coming soon!

 

Update on PMDD: Like I said, I recently got off Lexapro after being on it for nearly three years. The wonderful thing about SSRIs is that they tend to keep your mood stagnant, and now that I’m not on one, I definitely feel a little chaotic and all over the place. I’m constantly striving to take care of myself and prioritize my health, so I’m actively looking for some new treatment to help me with my returning PMDD symptoms. One thing I might do is get back on Lexapro, and add Wellbutrin to combat the side effects. I would rather try a more natural approach before getting medicated again, so another thing I am considering is CBD oil. Weed has never been my gig, and I’ve never smoked it, but my impression of CBD is that it’s an entirely different thing. I probably will try a multitude of different treatments, and see which one works best for my life and my body. To anyone who is struggling with mental illness or a debilitating disorder, don’t give up! There are people designated to helping you and supporting you on your journey, so never hesitate to reach out to them. I have never regretted for asking for help with my PMDD, and because of that, I know I have these versatile options for managing it. Fellow women with PMDD- what are your stories and self-care methods?

Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a work day. I’m posting this, for one thing, and then I will be chugging through some schoolwork for the rest of the evening. I’ve really enjoyed writing in a diary-style format, and hope to continue sharing my personal experiences of my daily life (though maybe not too many, because I’m pretty sure some faculty members at my college read my blog). Thank you for reading and catching up with me!


Coming up this week:

9/16- What’s in Season in September?

9/18- My Numbers Have Colors: Synesthesia

9/20- Gift Guide: The Perfect BOOK For Everyone on Your List

 

IMG_4590.jpgIt’s finally here: the one-year anniversary since I started my personal blog! And so, without being too sappy, I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my articles and leaves nice comments for me. I’ve always been a writer, but I never really shared my work online until I started The Diplomat’s Digest. It’s been a really rewarding experience for me, and additionally, it keeps me motivated to keep writing and trying to inspire people.

I have never been an eloquent speaker, or an athlete, or a genius, or a prodigy of anything. The only thing that I have ever truly identified with is being a writer- and it’s something I take pride in as a part of my identity. I have struggled with anxiety and bullying throughout my life, and writing has always been my way of coping, and my therapy. When you’ve lived your entire life feeling like people don’t listen to you, being a successful writer is such a rewarding experience!

I don’t know what the definition of a “successful writer” is, but I think I’m on the right track. My goal is to eventually support myself as a freelance writer, and work from home, but I know it’s going to take a long way to get there. I’m going to continue to work hard on my blog, and eventually (in the near future), I’d like to expand my media presence into other areas. Like I said, I’m not a great speaker and I’m not too good in front of the camera, but I’d like to try YouTube!

Lastly, I’ve been thinking about potentially holding a giveaway on my blog. I mentioned it in my New Year Resolutions post, and now seems like the right time to actually pursue it. What do you guys think? And what kind of things would you like me to give a way?

So, now that I’ve gotten all that mushy stuff out of the way, let’s take a look at how much my blog has grown over the course of 365 days!

I have achieved:

-105 followers

-116 posts

-3,322 views

-1,956 visitors

-250 likes

-And I’ve written 54,658 words!

It may not seem like much, and it’s really not, but it’s better than nothing. Thank you again for being so sweet and lovely, for reading my posts, and inspiring me to keep writing. Blogging is a key part of what keeps me going, and I can’t wait to see how my style evolves!

Coming up next: Fashion Journal: 1980-1989

It’s been a crazy 2019 so far, filled with lots of ups, downs, and in-betweens. As much I love punching out articles about fashion, psychology, and media, I also think it’s nice just to keep you in the loop about my life, and what’s going on in my turbulent, young world. And so, although I’m sure a lot of people aren’t interested in this, I’m just going to catch you up to speed on all my exciting (and not so exciting) life happenings!

IMG_8941.JPG

My birthday admittedly did not start out on a very glamorous note. I’ll try to keep the TMI low, but basically, I spent the first couple hours of the day sitting in my campus doctor’s office, getting examined for YET ANOTHER yeast infection. Yeast infections are very treatable and go away within a couple days, but still, having a plastic speculum shoved up your lady bits at 9am is not a fun way to spend the day. So, there was that.

Exam rooms and doctors give me a lot of anxiety, especially when there’s pain involved. I spent that morning (and a few hours afterwards) feeling really icky and nauseous, probably from the leftover anxiety. Luckily, my day perked up when my mom came to get me and bring me home for the weekend, so I wouldn’t have to spend it by myself!

Actually, the first hour of our travel was not too pleasant, either, but that was only because the traffic was ridiculous, and I was still feeling slightly nauseous. Alas, the good outweighed the bad, and I was honestly just so happy to be spending time with my lovely mom. We stopped at the mall on the way home- I needed new underwear, because my fat ass can no longer be contained in a size medium (again, sorry for TMI), and then I shopped for a birthday gift for my brother. His birthday is thirteen days after mine, so we usually celebrate them on the same day. I ended up getting him a very dashing button-up shirt, which my brother will appreciate, as he is the most boring person to shop for on Satan’s green earth.

When we finally got home around 6:00pm, I was very happily greeted by my dog, Duke! You’ve probably seen Duke a few times on this blog, and he’ll be making quite a few appearances in the future, too. My mom, dad, brother, and I went to my favorite restaurant for dinner that night, which is called The Friendly Toast. If you’re ever in the Boston area, I highly recommend you check it out! They have a lot of delicious breakfast, diner-style food, and additionally, they have a ton of great vegan options. It’s so nice when the four of us in my immediate family are all together, because my parents are divorced, and it’s quite rare for us to all be in the same room. In regards to birthday gifts, my dad gave me a very generous Ulta gift card, and my mom gave me a cute little succulent, who I affectionately named “Peepee”. There’s no real reason why that stuck out as the perfect name for me, but I’m happy with it. I also treated myself to a birthday gift, and downloaded The Sims 4 Seasons expansion pack. So, that has taken up quite a bit of my free time this past weekend, and I have no regrets about it.

So, in a nutshell, I had a very divine, relaxing birthday, spent with my family and my favorite doggo. I feel like I definitely deserved a weekend off, because I’ve been really busy with wrapping up school assignments and such. For one of my fashion classes, I had to do a set of ten “fashion journals”, which examined three garments from every decade since 1900. It’s kind of hard to explain in text, but I have been posting the journals on my blog if you’re interested in taking a peak!

I’ve also been in the process of changing my major from Fashion Communications to a new, individualized major- Digital Media + Social Justice. Because I am proposing the major and essentially building it myself, I’ve had to do a ton of planning between writing proposals to the dean, and making a detailed plan of every single class I intend on taking before I graduate. As of right now, I am set to graduate in the Spring of 2020- about a year from now. It’s very exciting, but also, adulting is scary! I’m graduating with my bachelors in three years instead of four, because I earned college credits through advanced courses I took in high school. It’s mind boggling to me that at barely the age of 21, I am going to have a college degree! Ah!

Anyway, that’s pretty much my life update for the time being. I love posting specific articles pertaining to my interests and hobbies, but sometimes, it’s just nice to catch up. I’m looking forward to the end of the semester, and coming home for summer break on April 30th. My summer goals are to get my driver’s license, start working out a couple days a week, and make a bit of money as a dog walker in my apartment building. I’m also going to be posting articles on a new schedule for the summer- Tuesdays and Thursdays. Don’t worry, come next September, I’ll be back to my thrice-a-week posting schedule!

Let me know if you like these kinds of personal blog articles. Thanks for tuning in, and I’ll see you again tomorrow with yet another fashion journal!

Coming up next: Fashion Journal: 1960-1969