Sunday, October 18

I’m happy to say I’ve had a super productive weekend, and lots of time to unwind and de-stress after working forty hours last week! I normally only work 32 hours per week, but my boss asked me to cover a Friday shift and I can always use the extra money. On Friday, Buck came over and spent the night (as he usually does on a weekend night) and we ordered delivery and watched cartoons (as we also usually do.) My back was so sore after spending so much time running around at Starbucks, I had no problem falling asleep in the blink of an eye on Friday. The last thing I remember is Buck watching tik toks and turning his phone to show me them as I fell asleep, lol.

Check out the fabulous lighting in my room! This mirror is magical.

Yesterday was catch-up-on-things-around-the-house day, so I did tons of laundry, cleaned up my room, and went grocery shopping at Target. The Target I went to was definitely not the closest grocery store to me, but I like to go there because it’s the single ONLY location I know that carries the Gardein Chick’n Florentino. I also bought a bigger reusable water bottle, because I definitely don’t drink enough water throughout the day and I’d like to make a bit more of an effort. I also started watching Coven last night, the third season of American Horror Story, despite Buck’s warnings that it’s going to be too spooky for me. I will admit, I’m four episodes in and it is quite disturbing, but I’m definitely too deep into it now and I HAVE to see how it ends. I actually don’t watch a lot of Netflix nowadays, but hey, it’s spooky season, and what better way to spend October than binging spooky television?

To be honest, it’s been really nice to focus all my attention on something besides work. I have definitely felt like Starbucks is consuming my life lately, particularly since it’s so intensive and there’s even some internal store drama going on. I’m trying to transfer pretty badly, both for my own well being and to cut my commute in half, but I’m also not opposed to finding a new job altogether. Even if I just cut back on my hours and spend more time doing freelance/remote work, that would be a step in the right direction.

On that note, today has been all about applying for jobs and getting some writing done. I’m going to start publishing two articles a week instead of three for the foreseeable future, because with my current busy schedule it’s just too easy for me to get behind. I’m looking forward to the week ahead, including weekly dinner with my friends and taking Nathaniel on a surprise date some day next weekend, and *maybe* even a response from a new job? Stay tuned!

Had a lovely little picnic in Brighton yesterday. I love these overalls.

Wednesday, October 7

I’ve had pretty much exclusively early shifts this week, which is difficult when I’m scrambling out of bed at 5:30am but totally worth it when I’m clocking out at 3:30 in the afternoon. I think having four straight days of waking up madly early has been taking a toll on me, as I usually have one 8 or 9am start time thrown in somewhere in the middle to help me recharge. I think feeling consumed by work this week has made me a bit more irritable and sensitive than usual, which isn’t really surprising.

I’ve also been stressed because the expenses of living completely independently are more present than ever. Because I have to switch subways four times a day just to get to and from work, my train fare bills are so expensive. I did the math and it looks like I spend $115 a month just taking the subway! On top of that, I essentially ran out of food yesterday and my SNAP benefits don’t land until Saturday, so that was really stressing me out. I decided to get my dinner from Starbucks because I get free food for working there, and then I went to another Starbucks that was closer to Buck’s school so I could eat with him and spend some time getting work done with him. He bought me dinner on the spot when he learned that I’m broke, which made me cry like a baby in the cafe. And then, afterwards, he paid my train fare to get home! I also received a few venmo donations from my other friends who learned about the situation I’m in currently. It is so sweet and generous of them, and I don’t think I can accurately put into words how much it truly helped me this week. I have an amazing support system.

I think my takeaway from this week has been that I (eventually) need a better paying job. I have enough to barely scrape by every month, but not much more than that. At the rate I’m going, I’ll never be able to put away savings, get off welfare, or even dream about getting a car. And particularly since I have a college degree and I could easily cut my commute in half (cost and time wise) by finding a new job, there’s no reason for me not to. And I mean, for what? To brew coffee? I love my job and the people I work with, but now that I’m settled into my new life in Boston, I think it’s time to aim higher.

So that’s what I’ve been doing these past few days: thinking about what sort of jobs I’d like to have. There is a really great website for hiring in Boston called HireCulture, and because it specializes in creative jobs for artistic folk like me, I’ve been really excited about checking that out. I’m also trying to be easy on myself and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can with my current circumstances. I know I’m a hard worker, and I will continue to work hard to build a better life for myself. 

Sunday, October 11

It’s about eleven in the morning right now, and for the second time ever, Nathaniel and I are actually successfully sitting side-by-side and getting work done in silence! We always say that we want to hang out and do work together, but we usually end up getting distracted and putting on a movie instead or something. Today, however, we both have our headphones in, we’re fully caffeinated, and we’re both click-clacking away at our keyboards together.

It’s so nice to have reached the weekend after such a taxing week. It wasn’t a bad week or anything like that, but it was certainly overwhelming at times and I’m glad to have a chance to catch my breath now and focus on other things. For one thing, I’d really like to do some more poking around for jobs that are both closer and higher in salary. I’m also going to get some articles done today, of course, and then I want to make some plant terrariums for my friends who very kindly sent me money, as a thank-you gift. And then, after that, it’s just going to be video games until bedtime! Playing The Sims is hands-down my favorite way to unwind and forget about the world for a while in my free time. What do you guys use as escapism? Do you have a favorite video game too?

Anyway, I’m hopefully going to get today’s newsletter up in a few minutes, then I’m going to finish my fall lookbook, which was supposed to come out last Thursday. And then, I suppose I’ll move onto the job hunt. If I could find a closer Starbucks to my house that gave me more hours, that would probably be the most optimal outcome. I’ll keep you guys updated on how my ongoing job hunt is going.

Saturday, September 26

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks (the one my boyfriend is working at, actually,) enjoying a pumpkin cream cold brew and trying to get some work done. I don’t know if other people feel this way, too, but I find it easier to work when I’m not in my own house. If I try to work in bed, for example, I either end up napping or scrolling through my phone. So coming to Starbucks seemed like a good idea for today; I got to see Buck, reload some money on my Charlie Card, and get some work done! And coffee, of course. I get a horrid migraine if I don’t have my caffeine. 

As you can see from the title, yes, I did sprain my wrist this week. I’m actually not exactly sure how I did it, but it was almost definitely caused by work. I have to do a lot of heavy lifting, so it makes sense that one wrong move or strain on my wrist could cause me to get a grade I sprain. It’s not too bad, but for the past few days I haven’t been able to put any pressure on that wrist without feeling a shooting pain. So I’ve been doing most things with my left hand, which has been tricky, but going alright. I also currently can’t really afford to buy a cast or a splint right now, so I’m sure that’s going to slow down my healing as well.

Anyway, work was quite stressful this week and physically taxing (mostly due to my injury,) so I’m really happy to have a few days off to catch up on other things and have some self-care time. On Tuesday, I had a lovely dinner with my co-workers, and we decided that we’re going to continue to have weekly dinners and rotate whose house we go to. Next week, we’re going to have fancy ramen at my friend Luke’s house which I’m really looking forward to. Obviously we talk about what’s going on at work, but we also talk about our relationships, our lives in Boston, being queer, etc. It’s really nice to know that I’ve made some solid friends for life since moving to Boston.

Then, on Wednesday, Buck came to visit me at work and ended up just hanging around until the end of my shift. We got some pizza afterwards, which was so lovely of him to treat me to, and then he ended up coming back home with me and staying the night. It’s nice to have someone to sleep next to and then wake up with; somehow, it makes the day ahead feel more bearable and comforting, knowing you are starting your morning on a note of love and safety.

Besides seeing him and my friends this week, I haven’t really been up to too much! I did buy some new bedding, which I’m currently loving a lot. Besides that tiny new update, really nothing in my life has changed. I’m just having a good time enjoying my life, spending time with my loved ones, and getting blogging done in-between. Next weekend is Buck’s sister’s wedding, which we will obviously be attending, and I’m really looking forward to telling you guys all about that! Stay safe this week and remember to take care of yourselves.

Sunday, September 13

It’s been a sufficiently busy weekend, and although it was also loads of fun, I’m happy to have some quiet “me” time now to catch up on other things. Work has also been crazy and exciting, per usual! I feel like my coworkers and I have moved beyond the initial cordial phase and into being goofy and lax with each other, which is a nice feeling. My shifts have also been starting a bit later than usual, which is nice because it means I can sleep in later AND not have to worry about the trains being delayed. 

I had an eye doctor appointment on Friday that I needed to attend, and since my mom’s birthday was this weekend (it’s today, actually,) I decided to take a two-day trip up to my hometown to hit two birds with one stone. Actually, I hit multiple birds with one stone. I got to spend some quality time with my father, with whom I have a complex relationship, and Eli and I went to our favorite local farm on Friday morning. I haven’t seen him since March, so that was a nice treat. And I got this pumpkin!

After that, I spent some quality bonding time with my mom since I won’t get to see her on her actual birthday. We did some cute mother-daughter shopping, and just had a great time catching up together and hanging out. After my appointment, she dropped me off at the train station and I headed back to Boston.

But my Friday didn’t end there; actually, it was just getting started. My friend Alanis, who I also haven’t seen since quarantine started, came to visit me at my new apartment that night! We got some cocktails at the bar down the street from me (safely, of course,) and I had THE BEST macaroni and cheese ever. In fact, I’m kinda thinking about getting some takeout tonight. I mean, it’s right there. She slept over afterwards as well, and it was great to see her after being apart for such a long time.

After Alanis left on Saturday morning, I took a quick errand break to go to the grocery store because my SNAP benefits finally landed and I desperately needed to restock my fridge. Buck came over a little bit later and we cooked an incredibly yummy dinner together- butternut squash soup with dinner rolls and salad. I lit a candle and set the table as nicely as I could with my current resources, and we ate dinner over jazz music and candlelight. It was so sweet and relaxing, and we finished off the night with some beach pizza for dessert and lots of episodes of Adventure Time.

So that brings us into today. After we made delicious (but very thin and shriveled-up) pancakes, we decided to head into the city and check out Newbury Street & The Prudential Center. My favorite part of today was sitting in the garden at the Prudential with Buck and leaning my head on his shoulder, talking and letting the warm sun wash over us. He’s so nice to have around, and it makes me unbelievably happy to know that he’s so close by. I can’t wait for another dinner date + sleepover with him; I think we agreed to make spaghetti next time. It was a really busy weekend, as you can see, but also so wonderful and worth it. I got to spend much needed quality time with my loved ones, I have a fully-stocked fridge, enough money in the bank, and a great partner. I’ve never felt so full to the brim with happiness.

Saturday, September 4

Hey everyone, I hope you’ve all had a great week and you’re enjoying the weekend ahead. I’m doing pretty well here in Boston, and there honestly isn’t too much going on! If anything, my life is at a place that feels very under-control and placid. I’m not worrying about food or finances, my relationships with others are all very good, and my new job is finally starting to feel comfortable and familiar. I honestly was worried for a while that I could never get the whole barista thing down, but of course, all I needed was some practice. I surprised even myself when I did great on bar this week, and I’m looking forward to more time on bar next week, rather than thinking about it with dread.

I’m also really looking forward to next week because Nathaniel is coming back to Boston for school, and I will be able to see him a lot more often! Hooray for no more long distance (for now.) Who knows how long he’ll be at school until COVID forces everyone home again, but I have a feeling everyone will be sent home by Thanksgiving if students aren’t extra careful. And really, with a group of 18-22 year-olds, you have to know that things are probably not going to end very well. But anyway, my fingers are really crossed that he gets to stay in Boston and maintain his safety at the same time. After he graduates in May and my lease is up in July, we’d like to move in together and possibly end up in Vermont. But honestly, who knows where we’ll go? As long as I’ve got him, that’s all I need.

Sunday, September 6

It’s been a pretty quiet weekend, I’m happy with that. My goals for the rest of the day are to finish next week’s articles, and maybe do a workout if I can find the motivation. I’m actually really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, even though the early mornings are gruelling, because I miss my lovely coworkers and the regulars who come into our shop. As you can probably imagine, I’ve been making a lot of pumpkin spice lattes.

Get a load of this dog I ran into the other day!

I’m also probably going to see Buck tomorrow, because he’s moving back into school and he and his family may swing by to see me at work. It will surely be lovely to see them all again, and of course, lovely to have Buck so close by.

Tuesday, August 25

Today is my last day before heading back to work early in the morning, so I’m spending it on my patio, drinking apple cider and taking in the fresh air. While I do like to think of myself as “outdoorsy,” I’m not a huge fan of being outside in the city because I don’t really feel safe or comfortable. Bring me to a forest or a beach on an overcast day, however, and I’ll be a happy girl. Living in Boston has definitely made me realize that I’m not a city person; someday I think I’d be much happier living in the countryside, far away from people and surrounded by animals. 

Even though being out of work for 2 weeks due to COVID has been a bit stressful, particularly since I don’t know anything about how catastrophe pay works, I’ve been holding up pretty okay. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and journaling, for example, and I’ve also caught up on my blog. Additionally, I’ve been trying to get more into baking (particularly breads,) so that’s been keeping me happy and occupied as well. Nathaniel is coming to see me from Friday to Saturday, and he’s already agreed to baking something with me. It’s going to be a short visit, only two days, but I’ll make the best of it. And once he comes back to campus, I’ll be able to see him a couple of times a week, at least. 

The longer I go without seeing him, the harder and sadder it is for me to even talk to him on the phone, because I miss him so much. Which obviously isn’t his fault, or mine, it’s just that hearing his voice makes something well up inside me and miss him even more, realizing how far away he really is and how I start to forget what it’s like to hear his voice or feel him hugging me. You know, sappy things like that. 

I’m going to try to go to bed early tonight, but who knows how well that will work. I’ve been admittedly sleeping late these past few days, so it might be difficult for me to force myself to sleep early. Nonetheless, I’ll try my best.

Sunday, August 30

This may be wishful thinking, but I think it’s really starting to feel like fall. The weather has been less humid lately, coffee shops are pushing for pumpkin spice, and sweaters are filling the racks in clothing stores. I’m so excited for colder days!

I just had a really marvelous weekend with Nathaniel, which I very much needed because I haven’t seen him in about four weeks. First he was swamped with work, and then I had a COVID scare, so the weeks just kept adding up and up. We spent Friday afternoon walking around Cambridge and visiting book stores, which happens to be one of my favorite pastimes, and that evening we sat on my porch and just held hands, staring at the sky and spending some stripped-down, technology-free time together. I remember at one point I asked him if I was going to be his wife someday and he said of course, which made my eyes well up with happy tears. It was one of those metaphorical veil-lifting evenings where you feel like you can see the world for how it really is, without anything else hanging down in your face. If that makes sense.

look at that glowing skin! this was taken mid-burrito lunch date.

And when you go so long without seeing your soulmate, there’s absolutely nothing on this planet like waking up in the morning next to them. Poor Nathaniel, he’s such an early bird, but I sort of made him sleep in all morning with me. Saturday, we (unsurprisingly) went to another book store, and I picked out one of my favorite books from high school that I loved and have been meaning to read again. Nathaniel bought three records this weekend- two at Newbury Comics and one at Barnes and Noble. My boyfriend + record stores are a dangerous combination.

So it was a perfectly lovely weekend with my person, and now he’s gone but I can still feel all the warm fuzzies of him being here. I’m currently enjoying a pumpkin cream cold brew from Starbucks- which I highly recommend if you’re a fan of pumpkin. Do you consider yourself a Dunks person or a Starbucks person? I’m (of course) very loyal to Starbucks, considering I’m an employee of the corporation. Let me know what you guys prefer in the comments!

Sunday, August 9

Hi everyone! Hope you had a really great week and you’re looking forward to the days to come. My week has been much better than the one before, and I really feel like I am slowly healing from the pain and stress I was going through. I didn’t have anywhere to be this weekend, so I took advantage of that and caught up on a lot of sleep and “me time.” I remember this past Thursday night I essentially slept from 6pm to 7am, and that was a huge wake-up call for me that last week took a huge toll on me. I was exhausted, so hopefully that will provide some insight into why I was falling behind on everything else.

Today my main goal was to get my new phone set up, which my mom very generously sent to me in the mail (thanks, mom!), and I’m currently in the process of backing up my data onto the iCloud. It’s apparently going to take 4-5 hours, according to my phone, but at least it’s happening! I’m also passing the time by watching Leah Remini: Scientology and The Aftermath, which is my current favorite show to binge-watch. I’ve also been really enjoying The Last Dance, which is a documentary series about Michael Jordan and several other basketball stars who played for the Bulls. No, I would have never picked this documentary to watch on my own, but Nathaniel put it on when I went to visit him, and I just got suckered into it. I honestly feel like I could get invested in any subject if the documentary was interesting enough- does anyone else feel that way?

Self-Care Quotes - Because You Deserve Them | Hallmark Ideas ...

As for other ways I’m trying to heal from my depressive episode, I’ve been trying to do a lot more journaling and raw, unfiltered writing in my notebooks to feel more in-touch with myself and my feelings. It’s been so, so helpful, and it’s really helped me to appreciate myself more and understand how my past traumas have intertwined with my current stresses. If you’re also going through similar stress and anxiety, I would highly recommend finding a list of depression-specific prompts and answering one per day. I also made a bubble/flow chart of everything that’s on my mind lately, and discovered through making arrows that several of them were interconnected. That has been really helpful for me to break my stress into smaller pieces and tackle the smaller issues first, working my way into the bigger issues.

So basically, the sparknotes of what I’m trying to say is that I’m really proud of how I’m doing and the healthy coping mechanisms I am taking to better myself. Nathaniel has also been absolutely wonderful throughout this time, remaining patient and loving even in the moments that I’m hard on myself. 

I am working tomorrow through Thursday, per usual, and then my good friend MJ is coming to visit me from New York. Don’t worry, we are fully intending on keeping ourselves safe and socially distancing. I’m really excited to see them, because the last time I saw them was last August on the day we met. So this weekend is going to be our one-year friendversary, and I’m so overjoyed to be reunited with such an important friend in my life.

Anway, I’m going to try pre-scheduling all my content for this week so that I don’t have to worry about it while I’m working. I do like blogging and writing online, but sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to get it done! So here’s to hoping this week goes smoothly and painlessly, so that I can find that little bit of “me time” to get it done. 

Since I went to college in Boston and now actually live there full-time, I like to think I have a pretty good handle on the food scene! Obviously being a vegetarian can make it trickier to eat out, but through plenty of trial and error, I have come across tons of unique, accommodating restaurants. Whether or not you’re a vegan or vegetarian, consider giving these restaurants a try during your next visit to Boston!


Los Amigos Taqueria | Coolidge Corner, Brighton Center, Newtonville, West Roxbury, and Somerville

Los Amigos Taqueria Expands to Somerville's Davis Square - Eater ...
Image Source: Eater Boston

If you’ve been following my food blogs for a while, you probably know that I am a big, big fan of Los Amigos Taqueria. I discovered them when I was living as a vegan a few years back, and to this day, I still order from their Brighton Center location all the time (at least 3 times per month.) My boyfriend also loves Los Amigos, which is a huge compliment coming from him since he can be quite critical of burritos. My favorite thing to order is a 12-inch rice and bean burrito with tons of pico de gallo and sour cream, and maybe a churro on the side if I’m feeling extra. Trust me, if you’re in the Boston area and you love Mexican food, this is a must!


Grasshopper | Allston 

Grasshopper Restaurant - Allston Massachusetts Restaurant - HappyCow
Image Source: Happy Cow

Grasshopper is an incredible restaurant. It’s your typical classic Chinese restaurant with all the normal dishes, but the twist is that everything is vegan. Yes, they even have vegan “chicken” fingers and “seafood” flavored dishes! I know this may sound suspish or gross to someone who isn’t vegan, but please trust me on this one- the food is phenomenal. Even my own mom, who isn’t anywhere near being vegan or vegetarian, was pleasantly surprised when I let her have a few bites of my broccoli sesame “chicken.” Grasshopper offers inside seating, takeout, and delivery via uber eats, and if you’re looking for a great dish, I highly recommend “The No Name.”


The Scoop N Scootery | Allston, Arlington

Scoop N Scootery extends its ice creamy reach to Allston area ...
Image Source: Boston Globe

Of course I had to throw in an ice cream shop for when you need a sweet treat. The Scoop N Scootery offers customizable sundaes and ice creams, along with plenty of frozen yogurt as well. The sizes also range from normal to monstrous, so when my housemate orders her ice cream, the container literally lasts her all week. My favorite customizations to add are the cannoli filling and the cannoli shell pieces- how many ice cream shops do you know that offer cannoli sundaes? It’s an all-around delicious experience, and there are so many unique flavors and combinations to try. 


Energize | Brighton, Back Bay

ENERGIZE, Boston - 265 Massachusetts Ave, Symphony - Menu & Prices ...
Image Source: Trip Advisor

On the topic of sweet things, I also got really into Energize back when I was in college. Energize offers tons of colorful, delicious salads, but they also have the most amazing smoothie bowls I’ve ever tried. My personal favorite bowl is the Cashew Cheesecake- it’s made with bananas, dates, cinnamon, and garnished with berries and chia seeds. It tastes a lot like ice cream to me, but there’s less guilt associated with a smoothie bowl, if that makes sense. I also really enjoy their blends and their juices, such as the post-workout shake and the power-up shake. If I lived next to an Energize, there’s no doubt I’d be stopping in several times per week. 


Playa Bowls | Brighton, Northeastern

Order Playa Bowls (Rowan) Delivery Online | New Jersey | Menu ...
Image Source: Uber Eats

Playa Bowls, as the name implies, is another healthy smoothie shop where you can find tons of vibrant juices, smoothie bowls, and smoothies. What I love the most about Playa Bowls is the wide variety of smoothie bowl bases you can choose from: oatmeal bowls, banana bowls (my favorite,) chia bowls, green bowls, coconut bowls, pitaya bowls, and acai bowls. My go to is the Nica- it’s a banana bowl topped with slices of banana, granola, cocoa nibs, strawberries, and peanut butter. Similarly to Energize, Playa Bowls enables me to feel like I can have a sweet treat without all the guilt. It’s noteworthy to add that there are Playa Bowls locations all over the US, so even if you don’t live in Massachusetts, you may still be able to find one nearby!


The Friendly Toast | Back Bay, Cambridge

Order The Friendly Toast - Cambridge Delivery Online | Boston ...
Image Source: Uber Eats

Last but not least, The Friendly Toast is a breakfast, tex-mex diner with plenty of options for everybody- vegetarian, vegan, or neither! Seriously, the menu is huge and it ranges from sweet and savory breakfast items to sandwiches, burgers, shakes, and dinner entrees. You could easily order a different item every time you go- in fact, I rarely repeat the same dish at The Friendly Toast because I always trust that it will be delicious. However, per many other diner-themed American restaurants, one of my favorite items is an impossible burger with fries.


I hope you guys found this article helpful and interesting! Let me know if you tried out any of these restaurants and what you thought of them, too! Remember to stay safe and responsible, especially when you are ordering out or considering visiting a restaurant in the current pandemic.

Monday, July 27

I’ve always striven to be really transparent about how I’m doing, so I’m not gonna lie, the past couple of days have been tough. It would make a lot of sense if I was entering some sort of PMDD-related episode, but I’m also trying to avoid getting into the habit of blaming every bad mood on my period. I felt fine for most of the day yesterday, but around the evening is when I began to struggle with feeling irritable, agitated, angry, depressed, anxious, paranoid, fatigued, and crying inconsolably…so, sounds like some pretty severe PMDD to me! Poor Nathaniel, he’s such a saint staying on the phone with me and being kind and encouraging when I’m really struggling and crying and putting myself down. I know it hurts him to see me go through hard times, especially since he can’t be here in person, but I really appreciate how lovely and understanding he is. He stayed on the line with me for over an hour while my scream-crying slowly evolved to silent crying, which then evolved to sniffling, which then evolved to snoring. Someone give this man an award ASAP. 

I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night, as you could have probably assumed. I fell asleep around midnight and had to be up at 4am for work. I wasn’t crying or feeling angry like I had been the night before, but I still felt sort of cloudy and fatigued, like my brain was still swimming in tears inside of my head. And then at work, even though my trainer and my manager said I did a great job, I did not feel on my A-game. I was forgetful, I was slow, and I was really blanking on how to do basic things I had learned the week before. I managed to hold it together without bursting into tears, but there were a few moments where I thought, “Am I good enough to do this? Am I too stupid to learn? Should I quit so I stop wasting everyone’s time?”

The first thing I did when I got home was conk out for about two and a half hours (a bit longer than I wanted to sleep, admittedly,) and now it’s after 4pm and eating a late lunch while I chug water. I definitely feel like my head has cleared up a lot, and I promised Nathaniel I wouldn’t be “a weepy mess” on the phone tonight. I feel like I can hold myself together again. However, I am really stressed about my work performance and I wish I was learning things faster. I know if I had all the time in the world to practice, or a way to keep learning everything at home, I would be fine. But it’s because all my practice comes from a fast-paced, stressful environment, I feel easily flustered and I forget what I’m doing. That being said, I remembered something today while I was making my lunch that I haven’t actually had a discussion with my work: I have learning disabilities which affect my memory and my processing skills, and the reality is, my brain is probably working twice as hard as it should be to get by. (By the way, I haven’t really told any of the jobs I applied to because I was afraid I wouldn’t get hired for being neuroatypical.) Reminding myself of that made me feel a bit better about myself and my progress. Like, no, I’m not a wimp or a moron or a “bad person” for feeling the way I feel. I am a person who is honestly just trying her best to hold everything together, and even though I’m also a weepy, tired mess, I think I’m doing pretty okay. 

So yeah, that’s been my Monday. Nathaniel’s work schedule is a bit tough this week but I really, really hope I can see him because it’s been more than two weeks and the thing I need more than anything else in the world right now is a hug. I’m really hoping the rest of the week is not as dramatic and emotional as these past few days, so I’ll do my best to take care of myself. I am also going to try to practice everything I need to know at Starbucks as well as I can at home without having any equipment, aka I’m going to rely on memory to write out tasks. Thank you all so much for reading today and I’ll be sure to update you on how the rest of my week goes. 


Monday, August 3

Hey everybody! Hope you’re all having a great Monday. I’ve been really behind on posting here on my blog, but honestly, I didn’t have time to sit down in front of my computer at all this week! I really don’t like getting behind on my goals, so today and tomorrow are going to be all about playing catch-up.

The past week was rough with PMDD, but things are starting to look up a bit now that my emotions are getting back on track. I spent most of last week feeling irritated and sad, and to be totally honest, the weekend didn’t make me feel much better. But like I said, things are on the right track now and I’m trying to stay as positive as possible. I’ve also been feeling like I can’t tell the people I love how I feel and what I’m going through, because it seems like everyone else is going through their own mess right now and I don’t want to stress anyone out even further with my problems. So that’s been really frustrating, but I definitely think having a therapist and paying someone to listen to my problems will help. I’ve been trying to find one via Psychology Today, but so far nobody has returned my emails. I’ll be sure to let you guys know how the rest of my week goes and if skipping my sugar pill week does any good for my PMDD down the line! Sorry I was a bit of a downer and unproductive this week, I’m going to try to keep my mind busier and more positive in the next few days.

 

Tuesday, July 21

Hi everyone! I hope you’re all having a great week, I’m doing much better today than I had been in previous days. Change makes anyone nervous, for sure, and for me, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping in the days leading up to my first day of work on Monday. The night before, I didn’t sleep at all, and then my uber canceled and I was late, but besides that, my training was great and a lot of fun! Obviously it was stressful, but it was actually more comprehensive than I expected. However, the second I stepped outside and plopped down onto the nearest bench, I just burst into tears. I was exhausted, I was stressed, and I had just received a fairly rude text message from a good friend. I probably looked a bit strange crying by myself on a bench in a shopping plaza, but I honestly really needed that cry. I got home, chugged some water, and actually managed to take a one-hour nap. And I really felt better after that, especially after I called Buck and told him about my day. Hearing his voice and him strumming the guitar actually made me calm and sleepy, too, so I was able to fall asleep last night and sleep for a FULL NIGHT! I was so overjoyed when I woke up this morning and realized I felt great. And since my shift started at 7:00 instead of 5:30, I was able to catch the first morning train instead of relying on uber. 

Work itself has been really interesting and intensive, but in the best way. It’s complex and fast-paced, like I knew it would be, but I thrive in those environments. I’ve already learned so much in a two day span, and I’m looking forward to work tomorrow! 

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Sunday, July 26

Hey guys, I’m happy to report that my sleep schedule has definitely returned to normal and I’m feeling much less stressed about work. I do have another 5:30 shift tomorrow, but my coworker is very kindly going to give me a ride so I don’t have to worry about finding an uber or walking at 4:30. I’m also going to have Nathaniel go over some drinks with me tonight, even though we’re technically not supposed to “work off the clock.” I have really high processing skills but really low memory skills, so when I am trying to learn a new routine or sequence, I need a LOT of practice!

My mood has been predominantly fine, but also a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes I wake up feeling bright and cheery, and other times I feel like my eyes are going to roll out of my head every time someone annoys me. I’ve been missing Nathaniel a lot lately because I haven’t seen him in more than two weeks, and that definitely affects my mood. However, we are both working really hard to plan something out this week. I know it doesn’t do any good to think/feel this way, but whenever I see pictures of him having fun and hanging out with his other friends, it makes me feel…bad? Not in a sense that I don’t want him to have friends or anything- of course I do- but I guess I just feel bad that I’m not them. When I want to see my boyfriend, we have to basically plan out an entire operation of when and where we’re going to see each other. We don’t get to just casually “hang out” whenever we want, and I sort of envy the people who do. Like I said, I know that could easily become a toxic sentiment that evoles into “Maybe if I was a little bit better, X…”, so I’m trying to talk myself out of it whenever I feel that way. I’m sure a lot of people in “long distance” relationships can relate to that burning feeling of missing someone. 

Anyway, after I publish this article I’m going to go to Starbucks to get an Iced Guava Passion Fruit drink (highly recommend,) and then I’m going to work on Tuesday’s article, get some cleaning done, and practice learning drinks. Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a fabulous week ahead of you!