I’ve had pretty much exclusively early shifts this week, which is difficult when I’m scrambling out of bed at 5:30am but totally worth it when I’m clocking out at 3:30 in the afternoon. I think having four straight days of waking up madly early has been taking a toll on me, as I usually have one 8 or 9am start time thrown in somewhere in the middle to help me recharge. I think feeling consumed by work this week has made me a bit more irritable and sensitive than usual, which isn’t really surprising.
I’ve also been stressed because the expenses of living completely independently are more present than ever. Because I have to switch subways four times a day just to get to and from work, my train fare bills are so expensive. I did the math and it looks like I spend $115 a month just taking the subway! On top of that, I essentially ran out of food yesterday and my SNAP benefits don’t land until Saturday, so that was really stressing me out. I decided to get my dinner from Starbucks because I get free food for working there, and then I went to another Starbucks that was closer to Buck’s school so I could eat with him and spend some time getting work done with him. He bought me dinner on the spot when he learned that I’m broke, which made me cry like a baby in the cafe. And then, afterwards, he paid my train fare to get home! I also received a few venmo donations from my other friends who learned about the situation I’m in currently. It is so sweet and generous of them, and I don’t think I can accurately put into words how much it truly helped me this week. I have an amazing support system.
I think my takeaway from this week has been that I (eventually) need a better paying job. I have enough to barely scrape by every month, but not much more than that. At the rate I’m going, I’ll never be able to put away savings, get off welfare, or even dream about getting a car. And particularly since I have a college degree and I could easily cut my commute in half (cost and time wise) by finding a new job, there’s no reason for me not to. And I mean, for what? To brew coffee? I love my job and the people I work with, but now that I’m settled into my new life in Boston, I think it’s time to aim higher.
So that’s what I’ve been doing these past few days: thinking about what sort of jobs I’d like to have. There is a really great website for hiring in Boston called HireCulture, and because it specializes in creative jobs for artistic folk like me, I’ve been really excited about checking that out. I’m also trying to be easy on myself and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can with my current circumstances. I know I’m a hard worker, and I will continue to work hard to build a better life for myself.
Sunday, October 11
It’s about eleven in the morning right now, and for the second time ever, Nathaniel and I are actually successfully sitting side-by-side and getting work done in silence! We always say that we want to hang out and do work together, but we usually end up getting distracted and putting on a movie instead or something. Today, however, we both have our headphones in, we’re fully caffeinated, and we’re both click-clacking away at our keyboards together.
It’s so nice to have reached the weekend after such a taxing week. It wasn’t a bad week or anything like that, but it was certainly overwhelming at times and I’m glad to have a chance to catch my breath now and focus on other things. For one thing, I’d really like to do some more poking around for jobs that are both closer and higher in salary. I’m also going to get some articles done today, of course, and then I want to make some plant terrariums for my friends who very kindly sent me money, as a thank-you gift. And then, after that, it’s just going to be video games until bedtime! Playing The Sims is hands-down my favorite way to unwind and forget about the world for a while in my free time. What do you guys use as escapism? Do you have a favorite video game too?
Anyway, I’m hopefully going to get today’s newsletter up in a few minutes, then I’m going to finish my fall lookbook, which was supposed to come out last Thursday. And then, I suppose I’ll move onto the job hunt. If I could find a closer Starbucks to my house that gave me more hours, that would probably be the most optimal outcome. I’ll keep you guys updated on how my ongoing job hunt is going.
Hi, I hope you guys are doing okay and staying positive. I’m sort of not, as you can probably tell from the title, so I figured writing furiously about my feelings might help me to relax and let out a little bit of steam.
I’ve been feeling simultaneously tense and deflated for the past 15 or so hours, probably due to a lot of smaller factors that are all just adding up to one monster Stress. I found it really difficult to feel comfortable and secure last night, so I didn’t sleep well for the first time in a while. I dozed off around 2am and woke up at 6am, and my body decided that was it- it was time to be awake. And since I now had a couple of extra hours to get ready before my job interview today, I decided to drop off some journals I needed to mail at the post office. Which would have been all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I got off the T and FORGOT MY PACKAGES ON THE TRAIN.
If I hadn’t taken an Ativan this morning, I probably would have just knelt down on the sidewalk and started crying at that point. I know that sounds dramatic, but when you work really hard at something, like an Etsy shop, and then you lose orders, it feels like you’re just throwing your proud work into a burning trash can. So I was pretty bummed about that, obviously, but I did still have the envelope I needed to mail out to my old bank, so I figured I could at least drop off the envelope and get that finished. Problem was, the line was literally out the door at the post office I visited, so I had to speed walk all the way back to where I started for my job interview. And the interview itself went fine, I think, but I was feeling so shaky and stressed and frazzled on the inside, I burst into tears the minute I stepped out of the building. So to make up for all of the unnecessary stress that had been building up inside me for the past few hours, I decided, you know what? Fuck it, I’m going to go to tj maxx and buy a candle. I’m going to buy a luscious fall-scented candle, I’m going to go home and light it, and I’m going to flop out onto my bed and smell my candle and have some me time.
So the candle and the good sob I had this afternoon did actually help a little bit, but I’m still feeling pretty on edge. And I think one of the things that’s making me self-destruct a little bit inside is this: I feel like I’m not getting enough genuine attention from anyone.
I feel horrible and entitled even saying something like that, but there are only so many text messages from friends that say “Cheer up! Things will get better” and “I care about you” before you wonder how much people actuallycare about you, or if they’re just trying to get you to stop complaining about your life. Because I don’t want people to just say that they care, I want people to show me. And I know I’m limited for options because I’m in a pandemic, but I guess what I’m really saying is I wish the people I truly care about would maybe step it up a little bit. Because right now, I feel like just lashing out and fighting everyone so they give me more attention, and I’m embarrassed to even be feeling that way.
I know that probably all sounded really dramatic, and I know there are worse things going on in the world. I’m an adult and I can figure it out on my own. I just wish I had someone to hug at the end of the day, or talk with face-to-face, because getting encouraging text messages just means nothing to me at this point. And like I said, maybe people do care, but the signals I’m getting back is that people are only saying nice things to shut me up.
Sunday, June 28
I thought about deleting those last couple of paragraphs when I was getting ready to post today, but I’ve decided it’s important to let myself feel my feelings and my frustration instead of backspacing on it and pretending it never happened. I am feeling much better and more optimistic this week. For one thing, I have a job interview at Starbucks on Wednesday! I am really looking forward to that, because I have wanted to work at a Starbucks for MONTHS now and I applied to 25 different locations in Boston. So I’m hoping that goes well; I do feel well-prepared.
I’ve spent the last few days with Buck, which has been lovely. We’ve been doing the usual- watching movies, hanging out with his family, visiting the cows, and listening to a lot of podcasts and Grateful Dead. I love spending time out here with him, but I’m also really looking forward to him spending more time at my apartment. I love taking care of people, and I am so excited to cook for him and take him to all my favorite little spots around the city. I’m also looking forward to our vacation next week, which, of course, I will be sure to take lots of pictures of. My Polaroid camera is loaded and ready for adventures.
It officially feels like summertime, even if I’m not able to do my usual favorite summer activities. The weather has actually been really nice here in Boston- not too humid, and not frigid either. Today it was perfect outside, so I ate my dinner outside on my front doorstep and just thought about my life and the world and the universe in general. My hormones and my anxiety definitely took a little bit of a dip this week, so I spent some time crying, doubting myself, feeling angry at the world, etc., but I pulled myself out of it as usual. I think it’s honestly okay to feel however you need to feel, even if it’s not completely sunshiney all the time. I find that the more open I allow myself to be with my emotions, the faster I move on from those funks. So I had my little cry, vented to some friends, and now I’m feeling much better.
In a nutshell, I’ve just been stressed about the same old things. I still cannot find a job, and I’m running out of money to buy food, so I had to ask my mom if I could borrow $40 (and I HATE asking people for money.) When you reach a point of broke-ness that you can’t feed yourself anymore, it’s a scary place to be. However, I am very fortunate and lucky to have my support system, and my good friend MJ venmo’d me $20 so I can buy groceries for the week. Thank you, MJ!
For those who have asked me how they can support me financially, buying a journal from my Etsy shop helps me to pay my bills!
So obviously financial problems have been the root of my stress and anger lately. I know money doesn’t solve all your problems, but it would certainly make my life a lot less stressful. Despite that, I’ve been feeling very creative and generally upbeat lately. I spend my days applying to jobs (I applied to 25 jobs yesterday,) making journals, painting, and of course, writing. Writing has always been my rock, and in a way, a great, healthy, self-soothing mechanism.
Wednesday, June 17
I’m still in go-go-go mode, so I’ve been utilizing this burst of energy to apply to more jobs, make more journals, and get more writing projects done. Sometimes I go through days where I just can’t be bothered to do anything, and then there are days like this, where I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done! Like I said, I applied to six jobs today and my fingers are crossed that one will contact me back. I also put together a list of interview questions for a new story I’m conducting, so that will probably be out at some point in the next couple of weeks. I absolutely love interviewing other artists and writers, so it’s been a real joy to be in contact with so many amazing people through the journey of my publication.
It’s about 4:30pm right now, so I’d like to photograph some journals to put on Etsy before the sun starts to go down and I lose that natural light. I am very proud of my animal-themed collection- what do you guys think?
Friday, June 19
These past couple of days have actually been very successful and relieving, for a couple of reasons. For one, I was approved for food stamps, and that’s really going to help me afford groceries while I look for a job. Secondly, I finally switched over to a universal bank after struggling to get that done for weeks! I was also able to deposit my savings bonds while I did that, so that took a huge weight off my shoulders to have savings again. Now, I can finally buy things I need again, that I couldn’t afford to buy before, and I can pay my utilities bills without stress for a couple of months. Speaking of essentials, my mom very generously sent me a package the other day with toothpaste, new underwear, pads, and face wash. I almost cried; it was like Christmas to have those things. Not trying to sound dramatic, but seriously- I could not afford any of it until I took care of my bonds. I feel like a huge relief has been lifted off my shoulders.
The third wonderful thing that happened this week was that I had the privilege of interviewing one of my all-time favorite authors- Wendelin Van Draanen. We had a lovely hour-long conversation and discussed everything from rock and roll to the nitty gritty details of the Sammy Keyes series. Then, she told me she was going to send me a couple of her books, and my heart absolutely shot out of my body. How cool is that, that my favorite author is sending me more of her books?
So anyway, I’m feeling really good and much more secure today than I was earlier this week. I’m so looking forward to my little vacation with Nathaniel at the beginning of July, and I will be sure to take lots of pictures for you guys. Stay safe and please keep wearing your masks!
2020 has been an interesting year for all of us, and we’re only about halfway through it. Obviously, the global pandemic is causing a lot of chaos and turmoil in my own life, but that’s not the only eventful thing to happen for me this year. In fact, every month so far has more or less brought its own changes and milestones for me. Today, I want to go through the events of my life so far in 2020 and muse over them with you. We’ve still got six more months until 2021, and I can’t even begin to imagine what the next few months will bring to my life.
January | Completely aside from coronavirus, like I said, the past few months have been an extremely eye-opening experience for me. Last September, I entered my senior year of college, and the third week of January marked my final semester as a college student. For a couple of reasons, I was entering my final semester with my head held high and a sense of relief and calmness. Fall 2019 had been a successful semester for me self-esteem and emotion-wise, but health-wise, I went through a really difficult period of insomnia and debilitating anxiety. I was looking forward to this upcoming semester because I had alleviated most of my insomnia and my anxiety, and I was really proud of the progress I had made with my health. Fall 2019 was also the first semester during which I felt really comfortable and happy with myself, so I was looking forward to continuing those friendships and seeing my friends again. I know that self-confidence doesn’t really develop overnight, but for me it kind of…did? Last fall, I really just woke up one day and noticed that I was happy with myself. I felt good about who I was and the person I was becoming, and other people seemed to notice the new me, too. I was laughing a lot and I was making other people laugh, which was an amazing feeling. This absolutely carried into January for me, and being reunited with my college friends felt so good! For the first time in my entire college journey, I was hanging out at other peoples’ dorms, eating with friends at the dining hall, and feeling comfortable giving presentations. I was also starting to daydream quite a bit about graduation (and actually dreaming about it as well;) thinking about how I was going to decorate my cap, visualizing myself walking across the stage, etc. Obviously miss ‘rona kind of killed that dream down the line, but oh well, that’s life.
February | February was probably the most confusing, stressful, wonderful, and turbulent month of 2020 so far, hands down. So where do I begin?
I guess I’ll begin on Sunday, February 2. I was single at that time, but I wasn’t really thinking too much about it or putting myself down about it. Actually, I was having the time of my life, and really enjoying going on casual dates, feeling really happy with myself, spending most of my time with my friends, etc. A couple of nights before Superbowl Sunday, on that Friday, I went to a small party at my friend’s dorm and had a pretty good time drinking wine and playing video games with my friends. I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl in Cambridge the next day, but when I woke up on Saturday morning, I was so goddamn hungover, I asked her if we could push it to Sunday instead. So we did. And on Sunday, I was still feeling like shit, but I didn’t want to cancel again because she seemed really nice and I was dying to get off campus. So I dragged myself out of bed, put myself together, loaded my Charlie Card with $4.50, and hopped on the green line towards Park Street. I remember being a little bit anxious about going out to dinner that night, predominantly because I was exhausted and I felt like shit, but also because I had basically zero dollars at the time and even the train fare was stressing me out. I also really don’t like taking the train by myself at night, and since I had to go all the way to Alewife from Riverside, well, I definitely thought about cancelling again more than once.
So I got to Alewife, and the date was okay. Like I said, she was a really nice gal, but I definitely didn’t feel a spark with her and I was totally annoyed with myself on the train ride back to Riverside. It kind of felt like a waste of an evening, considering I was already debating staying in that night, and with the way things had gone at Bertucci’s, I was really regretting the evening. I got back onto the red line, took the train inbound to Park Street, transferred to the green line, and around 9pm or so, I transferred off of the shuttle bus and made my way down to the Reservoir station for the rest of my stretch back to campus. And then something unplanned happened.
While I was waiting at the platform, checking out all of the other people waiting for the train, I noticed a tall, good-looking guy with long blonde hair falling in his face leaning against the wall, with his headphones in and his nails painted black. But it wasn’t the fact that he was cute, hunky and blonde that caught my attention, it was the fact that he went to the same college as I did and we had had a class together last semester. So I decided to go over and say hi to him; particularly after the stressful night I’d had, it was honestly such a relief to run into somebody I vaguely knew at a random train station in Boston. He told me he had just seen Little Women by himself at the movie theater, and that it made him cry a few times, and he’d probably go see it again. I told him that Little Women was one of my absolute favorite books. We got on the train together, we rode the train together, and of course, we walked back to campus together, considering we were both going that way anyway. Turns out, we lived about a house away from each other. A few minutes before we parted, I offered up my phone number, and he texted me about five minutes later. “Hi, it’s Nathaniel!”
I honestly wasn’t expecting anything to come out of this interaction. Even though I voluntarily offered up my phone number, I still didn’t really think that anything would come of this. I mean, like I said, I was just busy focusing on myself and hanging out with my friends, drinking moscato and staying up until 2am every weekend. But then I started to make time for Nathaniel, too, and I discovered that he wasn’t anything like I had imagined before. Like I said, we had a class together in the fall, and I’d always sort of imagined him as this weed-smoking bro dude who probably liked to skateboard and listen to rock and roll. And yeah, he is into rock and roll, but besides that, I got everything else wrong. He was sensitive and inherently kind, he was a bit gritty around the edges but he still had innocence, he was painfully shy but he wanted to open up to me. So, naturally, we became fast friends with a surprisingly deep bond. We went for evening walks around campus together, musing over our shared interests (and our differences,) and we swapped poetry books and movie suggestions and music trivia. As for me, I wasn’t even self-conscious of overthinking anything at all, I was just happy to have him around, with no expectations and no pressure for any specific outcome.
Then, the day after Valentine’s Day, I was at a small party in my friend’s dorm. I wasn’t drunk (or even that tipsy, to be honest,) but I was definitely feeling really bubbly and happily delirious after all the laughing and a few sips of vodka. Around the 11pm mark, I was still wide awake, but I was feeling about ready to head out. And then when the girl across from me started throwing up salad in her mouth, well, that was my call to leave. Without even really giving it a second thought, I texted Nathaniel and invited him over to my dorm to watch Sky High, and he was there, in my room for the first time ever, in about ten minutes.
We DID watch the movie, okay? But then something completely unexpected happened, which was that we started kissing after the movie ended. And that night, I went to sleep happily with Nathaniel laying next to me, with bits of blond hair falling in his face, and the window was open, letting in the cold winter breeze to air out my room a little bit. And since then, we’ve been completely inseparable. Up until coronavirus happened and all the students were sent home after spring break, we spent about 3-5 nights together, listening to the Grateful Dead and stargazing, sitting on my roof and eating peanut butter crackers.
When I started dating Nathaniel (or Buck, as his family and I call him,) I felt a sense of internal clarity that I had never experienced before. I’d been in love before, but this newfound love I’d found with him felt like I’d suddenly been let in on this big secret of the universe. Like I had discovered something magical that not everybody gets to experience until it happens to him or her, and here I was, staring at his sleeping face in the glowing moonlight, knowing without a doubt that I’d found my life partner, my perfect person, the man who I was going to marry and buy a house with and grow old with and probably have cute little babies with. And with that realization came the peaceful clarity of true love that so many of us find difficult to describe.
February wasn’t all smooth sailing, though. With the addition of Nathaniel to my life, I also lost a beautiful, strong friendship with one of my favorite people on the planet. I can’t say very much about that, since it wouldn’t be right to breach her privacy and share those details on my platform, but I will say that a very huge misunderstanding turned into the ultimate termination of a friendship I thought would last forever. What I can say is this: if you know that you are doing the right thing for yourself in your heart, then that’s just what you have to do and you can’t beat yourself up about it. Losing that friendship as a result started dating Nathaniel really sucked, and I cried a lot and even threw up a couple of times because of how I was feeling about the whole thing, but eventually I just sort of had to reach an internal peace with myself. Like I said, falling in love with him gave me so much happiness and clarity, I just had to stop caring about what other people thought about me and us. After all, our love story only concerns two people- him and me. In retrospect, I can safely say I made the right decision.
March | Ah yes, March, the month coronavirus really slapped me (and everyone else) in the face. I have to be honest, at the beginning of the pandemic, I didn’t really take it seriously. I was one of those people who compared it to a bad flu and believed that everyone was overreacting. I think everything started to really hit me all at once around March 12th, because that was the week my college announced that the campus would be closing after spring break and classes would resume online. Obviously I was terrified and saddened, but I actually didn’t react as strongly as you may be thinking. I honestly think I just numbed myself out to everything: no graduation, no senior week, no more friends…I just didn’t think about it and completely shut down inside. Even still, I haven’t even really thought very deeply about it; I’ve been feeling very reclusive and quietly angry about the whole thing, but I haven’t cried once. I packed up all my stuff, cut my bangs (lol,) said goodbye to what had quickly become my favorite place in the world those past few months, and moved home. I still haven’t seen any of my college friends since, except for Nathaniel, of course. Coronavirus could take away my graduation, my friends, my classes, and my spring break, but I refused to separate (both physically and emotionally) from him. It’s hard not being able to see him every day like I did at school, but we see each other fairly often, and we’re always very appreciative of our time together.
Coronavirus was really hard on my mother too, as a nurse in the Greater Boston area. There were a couple of times when she came home from work crying from frustration, and I felt terrible that I couldn’t do anything to make the virus go away. To be honest, we probably both had it at some point, considering we lived together and she was regularly exposing herself to the virus by going to work every week. However, I’m extremely proud of her for staying strong and resilient during the pandemic, and she deserves the very luxurious, lovely vacation she’s planning with my stepfather this summer (if the social distancing regulations allow it, of course.)
April | April was supposed to be yet another milestone in my life for me, since my 21st birthday was on the twelfth, but honestly, it just felt like any other day. I’m not exactly saying that in an inherently gloomy way, because I don’t like a lot of attention on my birthday anyway, but I was looking forward to drinking margs with my friends at Chilli’s instead of spending the day by myself, locked away in the apartment while my mom was saving lives at the hospital. Unsurprisingly, I don’t really remember my birthday, but that’s alright. I’m just thankful that I got to have one, and that I am able to be on this earth for another year, safe and healthy, surrounded (afar) by my family and loved ones. I don’t know if this happened in April or not, but around this time, I also started to feel much more like an adult and like a woman. I actually just looked in the mirror one evening and realized that I felt…different. I had been doing a lot of realizing and developing since January, so I think that played a large part in it, but I definitely have felt like a different, more mature person since then. April was quietly moving and substantial, unlike February and March, which really hit me like a bus.
May | Ironically, May should have been the most exciting month of the year for me, but it was actually the most boring. I will say that I moved into my first apartment, which has been exciting, but also very…lonely. I am grateful for the things I have and the support around me, but I can’t help but wish things were different. I wish I was walking across the stage in my cap and gown, like I had been daydreaming about all the way back in January. I wish I had a job and money to spend, instead of counting my quarters at the laundry machine and forgetting my debit PIN at Walgreens because I hadn’t even used a card in so long. I wish I was living with Nathaniel and waking up next to his sweet face every day instead of waking up alone at 4am with anxiety attacks and the train thundering right outside my city window. There are so many things that I wish had turned out differently, but that’s okay. When things don’t go the way I plan, I simply try to say, “I expected that,” and then I move on with my life and hope for a better tomorrow. Life will not treat you any kinder or any fairer just because you’ve been through a few things and you think you deserve it.
June | While the spring brought the devastating wave of COVID-19, summer brings its own sparks of chaos and turbulence. Police brutality, protests and riots, and the murder of George Floyd have been centric throughout the month of June, as they rightfully should be. It’s high time we discuss these horrible racial issues in our own country, and I am proud to be a part of such a critical movement. These uprisings across the nation have also given me an opportunity to examine my own privilege and work even harder at being a better person and ally for my vulnerable friends and surrounding communities. I have donated to organizations, signed petitions, and tried my best to spread awareness on social media, but the battle is far from over. If you have the time and resources, please consider doing the same! Additionally, it is more important now than ever to support black-owned businesses and companies.
Although some may believe that 2020 is a horrible year, and I do understand that sentiment, I also believe it has sparked so much growth and conversation across the world. Rather than holding the mindset that 2020 is the worst year ever, I am trying to remind myself that 2020 could be one of the most important years for us. We must take these lessons and privations thrown at us and respond with strength, courage, and action- ranging from coronavirus to civil unrest. I truly wish everyone a safe and happy rest of the year, and I am looking forward to seeing where the rest of 2020 takes us. You are stronger than you believe, and I know we can get through anything!
Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing really well. I’m doing pretty alright, albeit, I have been better. Sometimes I just go through a bit of a funk where I feel off or lonely, and this is just one of those times. Being in a pandemic isn’t helping very much either, but I feel like I’m adapting to the changes decently. It’s hard to be away from all of my loved ones, and since I can’t find a job, I mostly just sit at home all day and wonder what I could be doing to be better.
Anyway, I am doing pretty well, just bored, I suppose! I’m a very goal-driven person and I enjoy being busy. The ways I’ve been keeping myself occupied are with my Etsy shop primarily, and I’ve also been trying to read often and get chores done around my apartment. I absolutely love making journals, but I’ve decided I’m not going to buy any more supplies until I sell the journals I currently have in my shop. If you’d like to take a look at my stock, head over to this link!
I’m going to keep drinking my morning coffee and try to knock out a couple of next week’s articles. I’m also looking for ideas for Analog stories, so drop your suggestions below!
Wednesday, May 27
It’s about ninety degrees Fahrenheit here in Boston, and I am definitely not a fan of this weather! I normally try to avoid the humidity, but today I actually walked to the Starbucks down my block and ordered an iced coffee, which I don’t do habitually. I also found out that they’re hiring, so I submitted my application immediately when I got home. My fingers are crossed for good news!
In the afternoon I went on an errands trip with Erin, and we got groceries and Chick-fil-a. I have to say, I definitely should have gotten a size large of the macaroni and cheese. That stuff is god-like! I don’t feel bad about loading up on iced coffee and macaroni every once in a while, because I do feel like I generally eat very healthy. If you read my meal prep article coming out on Thursday, you’ll know that I love preparing salads and overnight oats on a daily basis. Cheese, however, is my weakness. What’s your ‘weakness’ food?
It’s still pretty humid out even though it’s almost 9pm, so I hope it cools down a bit more around the time I’m getting ready for bed. Until then, I’m going to do some writing and internet browsing, and maybe start a new show on Netflix. Sorry I don’t really have anything exciting to update right now; my life is pretty standstill at the moment.
Sunday, May 31
Hi friends, I hope you’re all doing really well. The weather has cooled down here today, so I was able to sleep through the night without a fan for the first time this week. I’m doing much better than I was a few days ago- I’m not really in a funk anymore, and I’m trying not to be so hard on myself for my current circumstances. I’m applying to about ten jobs per week, so I can’t say I’m not trying, you know?
Yesterday, Erin and I went for a drive because it was so nice out, and we ended up at this cute little quiet beach about 30 minutes from our apartment. It wasn’t very populated, so we decided to get out and spend a few minutes getting our toes wet, taking pictures together and just appreciating the beauty. I’m glad we’re spending a lot of time together, and she’s been such a rock for me these past few months. Speaking of rocks, we painted rocks together last night when we got home. Check out Steve, my humpback whale, my rock cactus, and my very hungry caterpillar.
Tomorrow Nathaniel is coming to pick me up, and then I’m going out to spend time with him and his family for a few days. He doesn’t come to Boston as much as I go out there because parking is such a hassle here, and it would be nearly impossible for him to park overnight without getting a ticket. Besides, I’m eager to get out of the apartment and enjoy time with my ‘other’ family. He’s been going through a tough patch, mental health wise, so I bought him some sunflowers and put together a little care package with CD’s and clothes. We have a lot of fun ideas planned for our little visit this week, and I’m excited to update you on what we’re up to.
As a closing note, I’d like to encourage all of you to partake in the sweep of action for George Floyd this week. Whether it is attending a protest, donating to the cause, or simply just educating those around you on racism, there are ways that all of us can help. Please don’t be afraid to make your voices heard!
It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write for my blog, and that’s because I’ve been with Buck for the past few days and he’s been keeping me busy! Rather than him coming to my home, I actually went to meet his family this time. We had a really wonderful few days together, and I was so happy to meet his family and see where he grew up. Obviously, with the pandemic and social distancing in place, we weren’t exactly going out for ‘dates,’ but we did go for lots of drives and he even took me to see some cows, because he knows how much I love them. We also watched lots of shows and movies, including Coco and Lars and the Real Girl. Both movies made me cry quite a bit, of course. Overall, it was a perfectly lovely time and I can’t wait to see him again.
In other exciting news, I am moving into my first apartment on Friday morning and I am so excited and nervous! I’m going to have to start packing faster, because I’m a bit behind on that. I can’t wait to post pictures of how I have decided to decorate my place, particularly my pantry.
Saturday, May 2
I haven’t had much time to write this week, because I’ve been so busy with moving and unpacking and all of that chaos. The good news is, I’m pretty well settled in now. The only issue we’re having is that our internet is not set up, so I’m typing this on my phone and probably burning through my data.
It took me about five hours to move and unpack everything, and then I ordered takeout from my favorite restaurant and called Buck to tell him about my day. I’m pretty stressed about the internet problem because I have a lot of homework to do and I can’t get online to access it, but we’re hopefully going to have it fixed by Monday.
I surprisingly slept pretty well last night; by that, I mean I fell asleep pretty quickly. I did wake up a few times because I’m not really used to the sounds of the city, and at one point I woke up because I was having an anxiety attack, but that was it! Today I’m helping my housemate and friend Erin unload her stuff, and reading books in-between since I can’t get on the internet. I’ve been feeling like reading the Sammy Keyes mystery series lately, which was my favorite series when I was younger. I’m sure the desire for nostalgia has to do with me moving to an unfamiliar area.
Anyway, I’m going to hang out here and continue to help Erin for the rest of the day. I can’t wait to see Buck, and I hope he is able to come see me soon. In a time of unfamiliarity, he keeps me grounded.
Hey everyone, hope you’re hanging in there. I’m doing pretty well; I’ve been awake for a couple of hours and I’m still sipping my morning coffee, and trying to get some work done. My agenda today is a mixed bag: I want to get some work done for my internship, do some job hunting, do some homework, blog, and knock out a couple of articles for Analog. I’ve been really racking my brains lately trying to think of ways to make money. As you’re probably aware, the job market is really not prime for entry-level college grads right now. Monetizing my blog is absolutely an idea, but I would probably lose a bit of money before I gained anything and I just can’t afford that right now. I’ve also been thinking heavily about starting an Etsy shop for years now, but again, I can’t afford to even buy supplies until I have an actual full-time job. My dream situation would be to work full-time in a little bookstore or a shop or something, and spend my other free time making a bit of money through blogging, Etsy, etc. As long as I can be creative, that’s all that matters!
My mom is very supportive of my endeavors, but my dad hates this idea. He knows I’ve been studying my ass off for three years and he really wants me to get a fast-paced, corporate job with my degree right out of college. I don’t know how to explain to him that (A) I’m only twenty years old and my life dream is to work on a farm- I’m not really focused on climbing the corporate ladder, and (B) he didn’t even pay for a cent of my education, so why does he care how I choose to make my money after college?
So anyway, I’m trying to keep him out of all of that and NOT keep him in the loop about my life. It helps that I don’t live with him and I’ve only seen him once since last August.
Anyway, now for some uplifting news. I’M MOVING INTO MY FIRST APARTMENT! In case you’re wondering how I jumped from being broke to making an announcement like that, let me disclaim: my wonderful mother is helping me pay rent until the job market opens again, and I have some savings and bonds banked up, along with my tax return coming my way this month. I’m going to be absolutely fine until the world gets a bit back to normal and I can start making my own money again.
I’ve already cut back and donated a ton of stuff, and I’m generally pretty minimalist anyway, so I feel like I’m in good shape to move my life into a new home. Of course, it’s so scary that I’m not going to be living at home anymore, even though I basically did that at college anyway. It’s also quite sad that I can’t have any pets like I planned, and Buck can’t move in with me after I graduate, but like I said, we are planning on getting a place together after my lease is up next year. It feels far away in theory, but time flies by, especially with the love of your life by your side. It’s also not completely out of my wheelhouse to make him a copy of my key, and then he can come ‘visit’ for a few months if he wants. 😉
So, that’s pretty much it for now. I’m going to work on a couple of articles for the blog, and then I’m going to get started on Analog content. Stay safe, stay home, and stay optimistic!
Thursday, April 9
Hi everybody, hope you’re all staying safe and healthy. I’m doing pretty well right now- at least, much better than I was yesterday. Yesterday was really stressful for me because my landlady wanted me and my housemates to congregate together in her office to go over the lease, as we’re all moving in on May 1. She also wanted our parents there, which made for a total of seven people in a tiny office during a deadly global pandemic. So I was admittedly pretty upset about that, because it was just such a useless and unnecessary trip to make when we’re all supposed to be self-quarantining. It totally could have been an email or a phone call instead of a two-hour visit.
However, even though that was really annoying, it ended up being a great day because I got to see the apartment for the first time. Gosh, it’s so clean and beautiful, and I love the area it’s in. It’s actually quite close to where I currently intern remotely, so if I got hired, that would be so convenient for me! I feel really safe in that neighborhood, and I can’t wait to move in. I’m still trying to figure out the situation for Buck and I after he graduates in December; I honestly might break the lease and start subletting so he and I can find a place. Or maybe, we’ll find a way for him to move in with me. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
So yes, yesterday was pretty crazy and stressful for me, but today I’m feeling much better. I got quite a bit of work done today, and now I’m just working on some blog stuff in bed with my dog sleeping next to me. I’m also going to do an in-depth cleanout of my room later, because I obviously can’t bring everything I own with me to this new apartment. It’s a good thing I’m already pretty minimalist and I don’t have a lot of furniture!
Sunday, April 12
Happy Easter, everyone! And also, happy 21st birthday to me! Yes, I officially no longer have any more ‘fun’ birthdays, unless you count turning 25 as a milestone. Although we are in the midst of a pandemic and I can’t go get drunk on Chili’s margaritas like I planned, I’m still having a perfectly lovely day. I don’t have any classes or obligations today, being a Sunday and a holiday, and I finished all my homework yesterday so that I don’t have to even think about it today. Really, the only thing I have planned today is to watch Stranger Things and scroll through Pinterest for hours on end, and I’m perfectly happy to have things that way.
For my birthday, my mom bought me my favorite red wine- the Summer Red Spritzer by Barefoot- and a panic button key-chain by the company invisiwear. It was a really thoughtful gift and I appreciate it so much, particularly since I’m moving into my first apartment in Boston and it’s generally just dangerous to be a young, pretty woman in the city by yourself. She also bought me a sweet little necklace from Etsy a few days ago, so that should be coming either today or tomorrow. It’s a little gold-plated necklace chain with an ‘N’ initial, for Nathaniel, of course.
So today is going to be a great day, and I’m in high spirits as well! I was definitely going through a funk a few days ago, probably thanks to PMDD, but now I’m feeling much brighter and ready to start the week. Stay safe, everyone, and take care of yourselves!
Hi folks, hope you’re all hanging in there. It’s about six thirty in the evening right now, and I just finished working on my ethics homework and some of my marketing paper. Classes are technically back in swing now (via Zoom,) but I actually have not had the privilege of attending a Zoom class yet. My first class is tomorrow at 8am- how lovely.
I’ve been feeling discouraged with myself lately, because my motivation is at an all-time low. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very productive and eager to jump into projects. Nowadays, with the pandemic ripping through the world, I hate even getting out of bed in the morning! However, I am trying to remind myself that this is a totally normal response, and lots of people (especially young people) are feeling the same way I am. If anything, I tend to feel a bit more productive around the evening time, so that’s why I’m trying to get some work done now as the sun is setting. I’m pretty satisfied with the work I did today; like I said, I worked on my homework, and I even did a workout for the first time in months. So maybe I am stronger than I think! Additionally, I’m keeping my spirits up by trying to be grateful for the things I do have. No one in my family has the virus yet, though it’s likely that my mom may catch it because she is a nurse. I’m also very grateful to still have my friends (from afar), and Buck, who comes up north to see me every other weekend and self-quarantine in my house with me. He’s coming up this weekend, and I’m so, so excited to see him.
Anyway, I think I’m going to try to get Thursday’s article done today, and then I’m going to dive into a stack of novels. Stay safe!
Wednesday, April 1
New month, same social distancing and quarantining! I hope you’re all able to stay busy, fulfilled, and occupied during the month of April. I’m in the home stretch of college now, which is slightly terrifying and also very exciting. I also started my online classes today, courtesy of the very elusive Zoom.
Today sort of went by in a blur. I woke up extremely early for my first online class, and then immediately went back to bed after it ended. I’ve been normally sleeping in until 11am-noon, so having an 8am class this morning really threw me off my rhythm! After catching another hour or so of sleep, I zoom’d in to my other class for the day, which actually went by pretty fast. Following that, the rest of my day mainly consisted of apartment hunting, emailing real estate agents, eating carbohydrates, and playing with my dog. Not a bad day. I also got some new film loaded into my camera, so I’m hoping to take some beautiful pictures this weekend with my lovely man.
I’m feeling so sore after my workout yesterday! The good news is, I can sleep in late tomorrow and hopefully feel good enough for my second workout of the week. Fitness is one of my current quarantine goals. What goals have you guys set for yourself during quarantine to keep you motivated?
Sunday, April 5
April has already felt like a lifetime, and we’re only five days into it. It’s been an interesting week, and a magically lovely weekend as well. Buck came to visit this weekend, and he brought me flowers and little gifts in celebration of my upcoming birthday! It was such a surprise, and I appreciated it so much. He’s truly my soulmate and my best friend, and I feel so lucky to be with him. We went on a couple of nature walks and tried to get out of the house as much as possible (in a safe, socially distanced way), but we mostly spent the weekend cuddling on the couch and watching Tiger King. We also drove along the coast of the New Hampshire beaches, which was absolutely spectacular and gave us a beautiful sunset to watch. We finished off that beautiful day with some classic New England beach pizza, which he is now a very big fan of. Overall, an amazing time!
Besides that awesomeness, though, I’ve been totally stressing and going crazy about other things in my life. One huge stress for my right now is apartment hunting. We finally found a place, but we have to put down the deposit of $2,500 by tomorrow at noon. So that’s going to be very stressful and probably take up a huge chunk of my day tomorrow. I’m super bummed that this place does not allow pets, and additionally, the maximum occupancy is three people, so Buck can’t move in with me after he graduates like we planned for him to. However, it’s only a temporary housing situation for me and I’m not locked into it forever. After my rent is up in July of 2021, we’re quite certain we want to get a place together (and then have as many pets as we want.) And, of course, he’ll be able to visit me as much as he wants until then.
I’m also just super frustrated about college being essentially shut down due to the coronavirus. I miss my friends, I miss my dorm, and I even miss the gross dining hall food. I miss going to classes and walking around campus and breathing in fresh air. I’m bummed that graduation is being rescheduled, and senior week is almost definitely cancelled.
While all of this is happening, my PMDD is really kicking my ass and making me more stressed and sensitive than I probably need to be. It sort of feels like I’m holding onto a runaway train for dear life, hoping everything doesn’t suddenly derail and crash and burn. But even though I feel crazy and stressed right now, I know it’s only temporary. Coronavirus will end, apartment stress will subside, and PMDD pain will slowly fade out as well. And through it all, I know I can rely on my friends, my family, and my amazing partner. And really, what more do I need?
Hope you’re all doing well and staying occupied during this turbulent time! I’m doing pretty okay myself, but of course, I am feeling the stress and anxiety. Today, I applied to twenty-nine jobs online, even though I know nobody’s really looking to hire right now. I also finished two school assignments and a book reflection yesterday, so I definitely feel like I’ve been pretty productive.
Like I said, I’m keeping my social circle small and it’s limited to only three people. Eli, one of those three, is planning on coming over tonight to watch America’s Next Top Model with me and hang out for a bit, so I’m looking forward to that. Until then, I’m going to try to knock out an article for Analog and a couple of things for the blog. It’s a great time to be an introverted homebody!
I’m supposed to go see Buck soon in western Massachusetts, but obviously I don’t know how intensely the travel bans are going to increase in the coming days. Until then, it’s all about staying home and finding ways to keep myself busy. Updates to come.
Wednesday, March 25
Hi everyone, hope you’re all having a great day. It’s about 3:30 in the afternoon right now, and I’ve already had a pretty productive day (from home.) My two future housemates and I made a google doc with all of the apartments we’re interested in, so now we’re slowly going through that list and trying to find a place to live. Now, I’m sitting in bed and applying to more jobs, and then I think I’m going to try to get some homework done.
I haven’t had any luck finding a job yet, but I’ve been in contact with several awesome organizations. I’m trying to keep my head up and remind myself that the right opportunity will come at the right time.
Besides doing adult things, I’m keeping myself busy with baking, reading, and watching lots of Netflix. Right now, my books of choice are Slaughterhouse Five, Memoirs of a Geisha (again), Anne of Avonlea (again), The Tale of Genji, and Disappearing Earth. I’m planning on releasing a “What Am I Reading Right Now?” article in the future, so keep your eyes out for that!
Saturday, March 28
I’m starting my online classes on Monday, and I honestly have no idea what to expect. It’s certainly going to be a really strange transition to finish the end of my senior year, I can tell you that much!
I was in a bit of a funk this past week, but now I’m finally starting to feel better. It was just a combination of feeling unmotivated, uncreative, and generally unhappy with myself and the way I look. My skin has been breaking out more than usual, probably due to stress, and I’ve been eating more than usual since I can’t leave the house and I don’t have a whole lot to do. However, like I said, the good news is that I’m starting to feel much better and productive! I think forming a routine and sticking to it in the upcoming week will help to boost my energy and motivation as well. To make myself feel better, I’ve also been doing my makeup every day, even though I don’t have anywhere to go. I always feel so much happier after I put on a full face of makeup; what about you guys?
Anyway, I’m going to drink a cup of black coffee (even though it’s 5pm, hahaha), and try to get some homework done. Thanks for reading and keeping up with my daily life! I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy, despite the unfortunate circumstances.
I’m a bit behind on blogging, per the recent changes in my life, but I’m hoping I can play catch-up today and knock out a few articles. I don’t think I need to go into all the details of what the coronavirus is and how to self-quarantine and wash your hands (in fact, I’m sure most of you are tired of hearing about it,) so I’ll skip over all that and just give you a little recap of my week.
So, spring break technically started last Friday, but I had to stay on campus until Sunday due to some other obligations and timing issues I had to take care of first. It was strange being (mostly) alone on those last two days of campus; the mood was somber, the streets were empty, and most of my friends had already evacuated home. I did have a couple of RA friends still on campus, so I spent my Friday night hanging out with them (six feet apart) in the lounge. It was comforting to be surrounded by people, but obviously a very strange environment. My good friend Alanis and I talked about whether or not we want to come back to campus, because while all of our classes are now online, we still have the choice to decide if we want to stay in the resident halls. I had previously wanted to stay in the resident halls so I could still see my friends, but now that my college is really urging us to stay come and making it exceptionally difficult for us if we do stay (boxed meals instead of the dining hall, not being allowed to visit anyone, etc), I’ve decided I would like to stay at home. Buck was also a huge factor in my wrestling with the decision, because I love him so very much and it’s already hard enough being away from him for spring break. However, he does have a car and we are committed to still seeing each other as often as we can. In fact, he’s coming down for a few days this weekend to see me, so that will be so lovely and important. Don’t worry, we aren’t planning on leaving my house, and we have lots of self-quarantine ideas planned. The highlights include potting a plant together, having a wine tasting, and painting empty bottles.
So, all of those turbulent (and isolating) changes are very annoying, but we make do with what we have. Another big stresser in my life is apartment hunting, because I don’t have a job right now but I desperately need to find a place to live after graduation. My two future housemates and I have landed on a few places we really like, so now it’s just a matter of settling somewhere and getting ready to move in. It’s scary, but exciting!
An analogy I refer back to a lot in my life is the idea that we all carry backpacks and the big, heavy rocks in our backpacks represent all the problems and stressers we have in our lives. Obviously, my metaphorical backpack is pretty loaded up with some heavy boulders right now, so I’m trying to focus on what things I can “take out” of my backpack and set aside for now, just to lessen the burden of carrying everything all the time. Graduation/college/education is all very stressful, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now, so I’m not going to dedicate any worry towards that. Being isolated from my friends and my partner is also very stressful, but I know Buck is crazy for me just as much as I am for him, and we’re in it for the long haul. I don’t think he’s going anywhere, even if we can only see each other a few times a month, so I’m not going to worry about that, either. I guess my biggest form of stress right now is just the general uncertainty of not knowing how long this will drag on for. I suppose I’m fortunate to be a homebody, because I really don’t mind hanging out in the house all day. I’m quite content with my books and my laptop and my dog, so that’s what I’m using to keep myself occupied. And of course, seeing my lovely human this week will be an uplifting boost.
Oh, I’m also on my period and going through some major PMS, so I apologize for the general downbeat tone of my week! I’m trying to stay as optimistic as possible, so thank you all for sticking around and giving me a reason to keep writing.
Sunday, March 22
Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great weekend despite (probably) being self-isolated and worried about the coronavirus. I actually had a very fabulous and busy weekend, hence why I didn’t have any time to write. It’s about 2:40pm now, and with a coffee in hand, this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down with my laptop. So, let’s start with Thursday evening and work our way to now.
Obviously, my circle of socialization is quite small right now; it’s essentially limited to my mother, my boyfriend, and Eli. Eli came over for a few hours on Thursday night and helped me finish a bottle of pinot grigio, and then we watched about three hours worth of America’s Next Top Model. Don’t worry, we made sure to sit a few feet apart! As crazy as times are right now, one of the silver linings for me is that Eli is home right now- indefinitely.
The next morning, I woke up to the news that my university had decided to cancel graduation in May and instead opt for a “virtual commencement”- something that was quickly met with backlash by us, the student body. Lots of petitions and confused, angry emails later, we received another email from the school stating that they will “quickly reconsider” their options and see if they can postpone graduation for a couple of months instead. We’re supposed to have a more definite answer within the next few weeks.
Following that exciting-ness, my day took a positive turn because Nathaniel (aka Buck, as he is affectionately nicknamed), came to stay with me for three days. In a really nice coincidental turn of events, my mom went up to Maine to see her fiance for the weekend, so Buck and I had the place to ourselves. We did mostly stay inside, as we are supposed to in these sickly times, but we also did take a couple of nature walks in the outdoors. Buck lives in western Massachusetts, so he’s not as accustomed to seeing the ocean as I am. It was such a wholesome, pure feeling of joy to see his excitement for the water and how the wind makes the sand float across the beach in ghostly streams. We also made burritos together, watched a lot of Jeopardy! (he’s a pro, I learned), and spent adequate time slow-dancing in my living room to The Grateful Dead. So altogether, a really beautiful weekend, and it was quite sad to see him go. But I’m planning on going out to western Mass to see him later this week or early next week, assuming a Shelter in Place isn’t ordered in Massachusetts.
Anyway, now I’m going to upload this blog, get some homework done (I have to read an entire book by tomorrow, yikes), and probably play The Sims later in the evening. I also want to do some watercolor painting, but there are only so many hours in the day, and I already have quite a few things planned. Thanks for reading; I’ll try to be more on top of my posting schedule this week!