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I started having my hair professionally dyed in middle school, and since then, having colorful hair is almost a part of my identity. It’s not an exciting color at the moment, but I am planning on dyeing it a new shade before the end of the year (so drop color suggestions below!). It’s going to be a lot of work trying to compile every color I’ve ever had, but I’m going to try my best. I hope you guys enjoy seeing these old pictures of me as well, because some of them are pretty cringey! 

First of all, this is the natural texture and color of my hair (this picture is about five years old). My hair is pretty ashy in the winter- it even looks gray in some lights, but in the summer it becomes a warm, honey brown. I’ve also been #blessed with barrel curls, but now that I’ve processed my hair so much, it sadly doesn’t curl the way it used to.


Circa. 2014 | Purple Streaks

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The first time I ever did anything exciting to my hair was in 8th grade, and this is the ONLY picture I have from it. My neighbor at the time was a licensed hairdresser, and she put these two purple streaks into the front of my hair. I was also really into straightening my hair at this time, because I hadn’t yet learned to love my natural curls. To complete the look, I (of course) had pencil-thin brows. I really thought I looked BOMB with that hair, though I suppose in retrospect it wasn’t that bad. I was also really into wearing teal eyeshadow and winging my liner in 8th grade, but it’s hard to tell from this picture. Maybe someday I’ll recreate my old middle school makeup routine, so you can have an idea of what I might have looked like.


December 2015-April 2016 | Dark Brown

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The winter of my freshman year is when my mom finally let me dye my whole head, but only a natural color. I decided to go with a dark brown, which did look lovely at the time, but the light-brown roots growing in was NOT a look. I was also really into penciling my eyebrows super dark, as this was well before “instagram brows” really took off. The bottom right picture is me at my brother’s graduation, and you can really see how different we look. Looking back, I really liked this color on me. I dyed it dark brown for a while, too, so I have a ton of pictures from this age. 


April 2016-August 2016 | Teal

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Eli!! One of my all-time favorite pictures is the one on the top right. It’s cropped, but the full image is the two of us sitting on the beach, singing and playing the ukulele.

In April of my sophomore year, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a light, minty teal. This was around the time Kylie Jenner wore a lot of wigs, so I remember being really inspired by her. I will say, this process DESTROYED my hair. Dyeing my hair dark brown for so long, and then suddenly aggressively bleaching it was NOT good for it, but it did look cute. Teal hair, to this day, is my favorite color I’ve ever had. As you can see, my curls lost their bounce and turned into waves during this time. My hair literally felt like straw, but I LOVED this look. Summer 2016 was a lot of fun for me; I had a solid group of friends, and I was dating a popular football player (this was obviously way before I came out as a lesbian). I felt really pretty in these pictures.


August 2016-December 2016 | Black

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The next color I dyed my hair was jet-black, because I was really into the gothic subculture and icons like Siouxsie Sioux. My life had changed a lot from the summer, because I lost all of the things things that had made it fun. I remember the only person who felt like a true friend was Eli, and to this day, we are still good friends. You’ll notice Eli in a lot of old pictures with me, because he has been my bestie and my rock since 2015. I remember one time I was on a beach date that I HATED being on, so I discreetly called Eli and he came to pick me up. I snuck away from the date (so mean, I know), and we went to McDonalds to get milkshakes. That was a really good day. Anyway, back to my hair. Adding black dye over the bleach actually strengthened my hair, and I managed to get some of my natural curl back. You can see my natural texture in my senior portrait, top right. Bottom right is my superlative picture- I won “most changed since 8th grade.” 


December 2016-April 2017 | Black, Short

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A girl I went to high school with took these professional pictures of me, which you’ll see scattered throughout this page. Her name is Taylor Bolduc, and she’s a great photographer!

I don’t have any good pictures from this time, but between December of 2016 and April of the following year, I kept my hair short and black. This was around the time I began to think more in depth about my sexuality -my boyfriend at the time was bisexual, and I wondered if I was, too. I was in that relationship from October of 2016 to April of 2017. One of the reasons I chopped my hair off in April was because I was so distraught over the end of that relationship- I did NOT see it coming at all, and I definitely did not handle it well. Cutting off all my hair was very liberating for me. The months after that were a blur of chaos and depression, but eventually, I did come out of it. This all took place after I had been diagnosed with PMDD, so at least I knew my hormones partly contributed to it. I got on escitalopram (Lexapro) in 2016, and stayed on it until about a month ago.


April 2017-May 2017 | Brown, Pixie Cut

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Like I said, I chopped off all of my hair after that really hard breakup (but honestly, who hasn’t done something drastic to their hair after a breakup?). All of the black had grown out by this point, but I didn’t keep it brown for long. Within this one-month time block, I took a trip to Minnesota to see Eli, as that’s where he attends college. The top left picture is me at a gay club called The Gay 90s, which is located in downtown Minneapolis. We had a marvelous time together that weekend, and I have so many fond memories. We also visited an IKEA store, and I remember Eli made me laugh so hard, I actually bruised one of my ribs from trying to hold it in. It was a really great time.


May 2017-October 2017 | Pink, Pixie Cut

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Around the time I graduated from high school, I dyed my hair a bright, fuchsia pink. I actually didn’t love it as much as I thought I would, and I won’t lie, it faded to a really ugly color. By the end of the summer, it was kind of a brassy orange color, and I looked just like Annie the orphan. I will say though, my hair was super curly and healthy during this time. Look at how amazing those curls were! This was my last summer home before college, and I spent a lot of time with Eli. Sadly, that was the last summer he came home for break, and now he mainly stays in Minnesota full-time. 

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October 2017-January 2018 | Blue

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My scalp, neck, and hands were stained FOR A WEEK. Ah, college.

The WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE came in October, when I let a friend of mine dye my hair dark blue. She actually did a really good job, but the dye was not permanent and it faded to a horrendous poopy color after just a few weeks. I didn’t have a chance to get into a salon until January, and thankfully, I don’t have many pictures of my hair during this time. This was also around the time I was starting to become comfortable with the fact that I liked girls, and I went on a lot of dates with beautiful ladies around this time. I also had a really rich friend around this time, and she always took me out to Target and the mall and The Cheesecake Factory around this time. I know that probably doesn’t sound too exciting, but when you spend all your time on an isolated college campus, it’s so fun to get out and do things. I was wearing a lot of button-downs and sweaters around this time, and she always joked that I looked like Ellen DeGeneres.  


January 2018-April 2019 | Brown

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I’m so happy in the top left picture because I was standing next to an Edward Hopper painting. He’s my favorite artist, and I was having an ultimate fan girl moment.

Like I said, I was able to get to a salon over my winter recession. This is around the time I started my blog and started doing my pinup thing, which lasted for a REALLY long time (about a year, as you can see). I loved wearing those vintage dresses and putting my hair in victory rolls, and I think that I looked really good during this period. My medication was pretty regulated by this time, and I felt confident and happy. I’m sure my happiness is visible from these pictures, and I love to look back and them. I’ve still kept a lot of the clothes, and sometimes I like to take them out and reflect on that happy summer I spent in petticoats and heels.

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You can see in the bottom right what I mean about the sun lightening up my hair, especially the ends.

April 2019-August 2019 | Teal

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Sometimes I think about shaving my eyebrows again. I was able to create a lot of very different, diverse looks that way.

Last April, after really missing my teal hair (because, like I said, it’s my favorite), I went to a salon and had it dyed again. It felt much healthier this time, because my hair had been left alone for so long, and the bleach wasn’t as damaging. I had a lot of fun doing avante-garde makeup looks at this time, because I was still shaving off my eyebrows pretty regularly. I was still kind of keeping up the vintage thing, but then my style became thotty for a hot minute, and then, my current style, futch. I more or less had my homosexual awakening at this time, and started getting into a lot of gay musicians, such as k.d. Lang and LP. This heavily influenced my next hair change, as you are about to see. 


August 2019-Present | Brown, Pixie Cut, Shaved

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The bottom right before is the most updated picture I have of myself. I grew out my eyebrows again, and cut my hair really short (featuring a really dope undercut, which I’m obsessed with). I still love doing crazy makeup looks, but I don’t have as much time anymore, being a senior in college. I also could only bring so much makeup to college, and sadly, I had to leave a lot of my favorite things back home. I’m feeling pretty good right now- it was a challenging summer, but I’m adjusting really well to my final school year. I’ll probably dye my hair another crazy color before the end of the year, but I haven’t decided which one yet. I haven’t done a bright yellow yet, so maybe that’s what’s next on the agenda. 😉


Coming up next: Yes, Your Mental Health is More Important Than a Good Grade

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Sophie Rundle (left) and Suranne Jones (right) star together in this riveting new HBO series.

Any prior notions you may have had about the 1800s will be transcended by Sally Wainwright’s powerful new television series. This riveting 8-episode series has swept the world and captured the attention of many, leaving us hungrily eager for the next installation. Gentleman Jack, which stars Suranne Jones and Sophie Rundle, is set in 1832 in rural Yorkshire, England. The show does a fantastic job painting the picture of Anne’s life, her loves, and her beauty. To me, it is a homage long overdue. I’ve read Anne Lister’s exquisite real diaries, and am thrilled she is finally getting the screen time she deserves. 

Gentleman Jack does an impeccable job capturing Anne’s resilience, bravery, and wit- especially in an age when a woman’s strength was scorned. Not only was Anne Lister openly a lesbian, she also owned land, incorporated a mine, and ran the affairs of her home, Shibden Hall. 

Gentleman Jack is based off of the true romance between Lister and Walker, at a time when homosexuality was opposed and punishable by death. As a gay woman myself, I was immediately inspired by this film and cheered on the two heroines from the beginning. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to hide one’s sexuality, and I admire Lister for being unapologetically herself. Jones does a fantastic job playing the role of Anne, especially in the emotionally-charged scenes between herself and Rundle. She demonstrates Lister’s fiery personality and stubbornness in such a perfect light, and allows viewers to empathize with her on a deeper level. 

Although the nature of homosexuality and repression is a large key in the plot, audiences of all ages, genders, and orientations can fall in love with this series. Gentleman Jack is action-packed, courageous, and offers a unique look into 19th century Britain. To my history buffs, you will fall in love with the lush scenery, grand homes, and my personal favorite- the incredible costumes. They are extremely historical accurate, which is an impressive feat for any film studio. Many of the characters wear authentic corsets and intricate hairstyles accurate to the time period. It’s truly a treat for both the eyes and the heart.

Gentleman Jack is available for streaming on Hulu and HBO, and has officially been renewed for a second season. You can catch up with Suranne Jones and Sophie Rundle on their social media, @suranne_jones and @sophiesophierundle respectively.

Picture: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/04/gentleman-jack-suranne-jones-sally-wainwright-anne-lister-true-story

Coming up next: My Hair History

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Monday, September 16th 

I’ve been feeling really great and calm for the past four days or so, and I’m expecting it to last for the rest of the week. However, once I reach the 3rd week of my pills, pure havoc is definitely going to break loose on my hormones. Better appreciate the calm before the storm while I can.

I was able to sleep in pretty late today because my Monday morning class only meets once a week, and the rest is done online. I got up around 11:30 and did a full face of makeup, had a sit-down breakfast, and now I’m working on some writing before my 2:00 class. I was able to sit and chat with one of my favorite professors today, and catch her up on all of my life happenings.

Today I’m working on my book gift guide and my Fab Fit Fun review, which will be out next week. I like to push about a week in advance when writing articles, at least. I love having something to constantly look forward to, something to constantly write.  


Wednesday, September 18th

The work is starting to pick up a bit, which is good. I haven’t really been up to anything exciting, now that the initial chaos of my first week is over. I’ve definitely established my routine, and I still have extra time for self-care and adequate sleep. Maybe I’m just a fast worker, or maybe my workload just isn’t that heavy. It’s hard to say. I also feel like my temper is a bit more fiery than usual, but that comes and goes regularly. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I wish I had more friends, but specifically, more older, nerdy guy friends. Being on a college campus, of course, I’m surrounded by men and women in the 18-22 age range. I know this makes me sound arrogant, but I can’t stand being around most people in that age demographic. It’s especially annoying at my particular school, where cliques are rampant and drama spreads like wildfire.

18-22 year-olds are inherently selfish, and they should be. You’re still figuring yourself out and what you want to do with your life- it should be all about you. But being selfish makes it easier to hurt other people’s feelings, willingly or not. I prefer to spend my time with older, wiser, more experienced people, who (more or less) have their immediate life figured out. I like to hang out with people who have cars, apartments, and money, who are more inclined to talk about capitalism and American politics instead of trivial matters. 

I know that this is what I prefer, because I’ve already formed these types of friendships in my young adult life. One of my best friends is a thirty-one year-old straight dude who lives in the Boston suburbs. I generally get along better with my professors than my classmates, and I’m sure many of them would attest to that. Drama really just seems to follow me when I start associating with other kids my age, especially catty girls.

I feel like it’s really not unheard of for lesbians to have more dude friends than average. I mean, what could be better than playing video games and talking about how hot girls are over a greasy bag of Burger King fries? Sounds like a pretty good gig to me.

I’m a little worried about my Micro-economics class. You may remember me saying last week that I was sure the abstract, big-picture ideas would go right over my head, and that’s exactly what’s happening. I’m trying to memorize the steps of the math, but in all honesty, I have NO idea what I’m doing. Thank goodness my professor only assigned four homework assignments for the entire semester.

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Eating at the dining hall, as you can see, is not going great. I’ve been doing a lot of my own grocery shopping, as as I edit this, my order is actually on its way!

Thursday, September 19th

It’s 11:59pm, and I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed with my computer in my lap. This week in general has been pretty uneventful, but I do have some exciting updates for the future. For one thing, I am going to see The Lion King  musical with my family in about a month, per courtesy of my school’s uber-cheap tickets. I miss my mom and Mark a lot (even though he’s not my biological dad, I refer to them together as my parents), and I especially miss my dog. I don’t mention him a lot on here, but you can find pictures of Duke peppered throughout my social media!

I’m also considering joining my school’s fashion/beauty magazine, and it’s pretty much a done deal at this point. One of my classmates, who is a lovely friend, reached out to me and asked if I wanted to write for the magazine. From what she told me, the articles I would be writing are exactly the type of content I already love to put out. I’m very passionate about fashion, beauty, and lifestyle, especially when it’s creative and unconventional. I’m looking forward to this opportunity!

Like I mentioned a bit earlier, I usually refer to Mark as my dad now because I am estranged from my biological father. I’m not sure if that’s something I mentioned before on here. I obviously think it’s important to keep some parts of your life private, but I would like to open up about that more in the future if it’s something that became relevant to my viewers. Especially if there is a young man or women going through a similar broken relationship with a parent, I want to be a voice for you and share as much of my story as I can, because I think it’s important to talk about these things. Even though the damaged relationship with my father is not my fault, I still feel a lot of guilt as a result of his manipulation and gaslighting. If something tragic ever happened to him, I would probably feel responsible for being a bad daughter. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot, but like I said, I seldom tell people about that situation unless I feel it’s relevant or helpful. 

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Mom jeans + a jacket is my new favorite lewk.

Besides that being on my mind from time to time, I’ve been staying positive lately. I’m still working on finding the best treatment for my PMDD, but it might be something I have to take care of when I go home for my next holiday break. Many of the clinics and offices in my current location are booked out until the spring, so I might as well just talk to my primary care doctor when I go home instead. Or, best case scenario, maybe I’ll adapt to my current combination birth control pills sooner than later and I won’t end up needing to add another pill into the mix. That would be ideal, because I really want to get a cocktail on my 21st birthday and I certainly can’t do that while taking an SSRI!


Coming up this week

9/23- Gift Guide: The Perfect BOOK for Everyone on Your List

9/25- Gentleman Jack: A Celebration of History and Feminism

9/27- My Hair Color History

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Thursday, September 4th

I had an idea a while ago to add a new “lifestyle” tab to my blog. I write quite a lot about my opinions, purchases, and commentary on certain subjects, but I very rarely update you guys on the daily happenings of my life. So, that’s what Sarah’s Weekly Catch-up is going to be: something of a weekly diary where I keep you updated on my school life, routines, and general fleeting thoughts. I do love to write detailed, researched, fact-based pieces about social issues and media, but it’s also nice to write something more relaxed, like a weekly letter home. But instead of home, it’s a weekly letter to…the internet?

Anywho, I decided to start writing today because I’m moving back into school on Sunday. I’ve had a mostly great summer, filled with tons of sleep, dog-walking, writing, and even some working out. I was happiest at the beginning of the summer, because I was so sick of school by April and desperately needed a break. Around August is when things started to falter a bit, because I finally got off an anxiety medication I’ve been taking for three years (as the side effects were starting to interfere with my daily life). I knew it would be hard to wean off -and it some ways, it was easier than I thought- but physically, the process destroyed me. When you withdraw from a medication that literally alters your brain chemistry, such as an SSRI, your brain sometimes gets confused and sends confused bolts of tiny electricity through your head as it tries to re-group. This is a real thing called “head jolts”, and it more or less dominated my life for about 3 full weeks. Eventually it did go away as my brain adjusted, but there was a time in that three-week period when I had to crawl around my apartment because my head was absolutely spinning. 

I sadly fell out of working out while all of this was occurring, because I was exhausted and disoriented and simply lost my drive. One of my goals for this school year is to get back into exercising, potentially with yoga and frequent walks. I’d also like to work on improving my diet, because while it is fairly healthy now, I think it could be better.

Another frustrating thing that happened in August refers to some drama I had with my college, but that literally happens every semester. I know that no school is perfect, but I’ve been repeatedly shocked by how unprofessional and nonsensical my particular college is. I’ve taken to printing out copies of the emails they send me and filing them away, so that I can whip them out in situations when receipts are needed. It’s a pretty complex story, but in a nutshell, my school cancelled a MANDATORY class I needed to graduate because they couldn’t find an instructor, and left me scrambling by myself to put the pieces of their shitty error back together. Luckily, I have an amazing academic advisor, and he has more or less helped me sort out this mess. I’m fully anticipating more school chaos to come hurtling my way, because something always goes wrong along the way at this institution.

Anyway, those were the low points of August, but I’m trying to focus more on the high points to be celebrated in my life. I’m genuinely someone who loves learning, so I do look forward to starting new classes every year. Like I said, I am also interested in adding in some new lifestyle changes as well, like exercising again and taking better care of my body. My appearance has been subtly changing as well, and I’m taking on much more of a butch style. I don’t like to say “masculine” because I feel like it implies you’re wearing clothes designed for someone else. Like, I don’t think a woman wearing a suit means she’s wearing clothes designed for men. Maybe a suit to her makes her feel more like a woman, and to me, that’s femininity. I love having short, cropped hair, button-downs, and oversized tailored jackets. It’s not “masucline” to me- it makes me feel womanly. It makes me feel feminine. Same goes for a man who feels confident in a dress- if that makes you feel like a more powerful man, than you ROCK that dress, sir. Clothing, in my opinion, is inherently gender neutral. The beauty of personal style is that you can make it whatever you want. 

Anywho, that was a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to update y’all on the direction of my style. I’m super inspired by 90s butch lesbians, like Ellen DeGeneres and of course, k.d. Lang. It’s such a beautiful expression of female energy, in a societal non-traditional way. I love women who push the boundaries of social acceptance, and that’s the kind of woman I’d like to be. 

As I mentioned before, getting off my medication has kinda rocked my world and set me back physically/emotionally, but I’m working on hitting the reset button and building something better for myself. I know I deserve happiness and success, but it’s a constant battle and we all have to try our best to love ourselves and practice self care. Don’t ever deprive yourself of self-care, because it is a necessity, not a hobby!

Speaking of self care, I’m going to take a bubble bath and watch Modern Family


Monday, September 9th

I don’t usually feel homesick while I’m at college. In fact, I was hardly homesick at all my first year- I think I missed home for a day or two, tops. I’ve never been good with change, though I tend to perk up once I fall into a routine. That’s something people seem to forget about folks with ADHD- having consistency and a solid plan can often be pivotal to our moods. That being said, I’m already feeling much better than I was yesterday. I felt almost as if I was moving in a gray glob of fog, and everything was slow and unfamiliar and strange (even though this is my third year going to college, and my last). 

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All moved in! Same room as last year, too, in case you were wondering why it looked familiar.

I’m also living in the same room as last year, which is nice. It’s large for a standard single, but I didn’t bring much *stuff* with me anyway. I really tried to only pack the things I know I’ll use on a weekly basis- bedding, toiletries, snacks, clothes, and my laptop. Last year I decorated my room to be super cutesy, and brought along things like flower garland and crystals, but this year I kept it simple. The only decor I really brought was my lesbian pride flag, which, ironically, isn’t hung straight. I don’t even have anything to store under my bed, and it feels so good to have a clean, minimal room!

I struggled a bit to fall asleep last night, because I’m used to having a mattress on the floor and feeling close to the ground. I have some new housemates, and they all seem lovely thus far. As an introvert, it shocked me that someone would come to my door, knock, and introduce themselves. I could never!

I’m still feeling a bit sluggish, like it’s taking me twice as long to do things here that would normally be fast at home. Nonetheless, I think I’ll be able to re-adjust quickly. Next on my agenda is to sort out all of that academic tosh my school threw onto my plate last month. Hopefully, my new major and class rank will be registered and complete by the end of the month, and somebody will finally answer my emails. We’ll see!


Wednesday, September 11th

It’s been a turbulent few days, but none of them have been completely good or bad. There is some good news straightaway- my individualized degree is in the process of being finalized, so I no longer have to worry about my graduation date being pushed. The only unexpected change is that I now have to take a micro-economics class, and I’m painfully realistic about the fact that I very well may hate it. I struggle with abstract ideas and numbers, and can only comprehend math up to about a sixth-grade level, according to my neuropsych results. Nonetheless, I’m trying to stay optimistic, and I’m currently working on informing my professors about my learning disabilities.

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This is me meeting my friend’s housemate’s dog, Taps. I was crying REAL TEARS playing with her.

My anxiety has been coming in waves, but I’m generally externally calm. Part of college is figuring out who you have beef with, and there are definitely a few people who have made it clear they’re not happy I’m back. At this point, though, I know who my good friends are, and those are the people I’m sticking with. My primary goal and my purpose for being here is solely to earn my bachelor’s degree, and then put this chapter of my life behind me.

Another noteworthy update has to do with my recent social commentary article, “Should We Be Worried About Julia Zelg?”. I was expecting heightened traffic, for sure, but I didn’t think it was going to appear so high in the search bar and receive so much attention. I’m sure Julia has read it, and Eileen probably has to. I was nervous that my article would be received as hate, but the general consensus seems to be positive. The people who have expressed anger towards my article are apparently unaware of what a “blog” is- a place where one can freely express their thoughts and opinions, and give my two cents on what I find interesting. “Get a life” isn’t an adequate comeback- covering social issues and writing opinion pieces IS both my life and my work.

Anywho, I just wanted to express my surprise that the article garnered so many clicks, and I’m honestly relieved that other people felt the same way I did (for the most part). Part of my work as a writer is to vocalize opinions and feelings that other people may struggle to put together on their own. Obviously a “gossip” piece or a social commentary essay is trivial, but I also love to expand my voice into advocacy, criticism of bigotry, and generally delivering justice with words.

I’m only three days into school, but the classes I am most excited about are Human Services and Communication Research. The latter has actually garnered a number of groans and complaints from my classmates, but hey, I LOVE that shit. Research and writing, again, is what my life’s all about. I’ve also taken a class with this professor before, and know him to be strict but fair. I’m looking forward to writing my twenty-page research paper at the end of the semester.


Thursday, September 12

I’m a shower thinker. I was reflecting today about the root of attachment and how that can contribute to suffering, so I mused on it for a while and decided I ought to write about it to filter out my mind. It’s going to be long-winded and all over the place, but that’s usually how my thoughts go.

There is a distinct difference between love and attachment, but unfortunately, the media and our environment can cause us to get them confused. Television and music loves to romanticize attachment- especially when it comes to convincing young girls they need a man to be happy. That certainly doesn’t help when you’re already suffering from attachment issues, especially with a father figure, or if you’re a lesbian, struggling to figure out your identity.

A lot of women who eventually come out as lesbians have dated men in their earlier life. I’m one of those people- I first said I was straight, then I was bi, and then, I finally fully accepted my homosexuality. Like I said earlier, attachment can very easily be mistaken for love because of the way we are conditioned to feel. When I was growing up, I felt so ashamed and distraught about being a lesbian, I made a consistent effort to shove that part of my identity away. To fill the void I felt where my father should have been, and because I struggled to feel accepted by a male figure, I quickly became attached to the idea of having a boyfriend as soon as I reached relationship age. If I didn’t have a boy to give me attention, I felt like a worthless girl. I especially struggled with feeling jealous of my friends who did have boyfriends, and constantly felt stressed that I would never be good enough. 

I’m not completely blaming my dad or the media, but I do know that with different circumstances, I could have explored my homosexuality much sooner and avoided so much attachment, obsession, and pain. By the time I was in college, I had more or less began to let a little bit of the truth creep in. I allowed myself to open up to women, but still, a part of me felt very attached to men and I was obsessively convinced I needed one to feel complete. 

As my romantic and sexual experiences with women blossomed, I was finally able to distinguish the difference between attachment and love. Love has no competition, no jealousy, and no urge for validation. The best way I can describe this revelation is when you THINK you know something is the best, until you experience something even better that replaces what you previously thought. With exploring my homosexuality, I discovered that this was the real, selfless, authentic love I had been searching for, and what I previously had coined as “love” was a coping mechanism for my attachment issues and compulsory hetersexuality. I’m not saying I didn’t think I was in love when I was fourteen, but in retrospect, I can confidently say that what I actually felt was socially-enforced infatuation. 

I still sometimes struggle with feelings of jealousy, especially when my friends have partners and I do not, but I am working on letting that anger go. It doesn’t matter the sexual orientation- I simply just get jealous that somebody else is loved, and I am not. This does tie in with the attachment issues I am continuously overcoming, but the more I accept these issues, the more I can separate them from love and acknowledge them as a toxic behaviour.

I was reminded of this today. About six months ago, when I was still trying to hold onto that last bit of “I-like-men” security blanket, I was hooking up with a guy I met on tinder. At least, I was trying to hook up. As I became a lesbian, my BODY was literally rejecting him every time we tried to hook up. It was like my vagina just slammed shut every time he tried to get near me, until finally, I had to own up to him that I was pretty certain I was gay. What’s funny is, I never actually found sex with men that appealing. It was more so something, again, I felt I HAD to do in order to reach some form of self-actualization. Straight sex was something I tried to convince myself I could “learn to like”, but eventually, I just allowed myself (and the guy) to know that I found it kind of painful and nauseating.

He knew it was coming, too. I had been expressing to him for a while that I had always leaned more towards girls than guys, and the older I got, the more I leaned. Even though we got together primarily as friends with benefits, we ended up developing a friendship that went on even after our sexual relationship ended. To this day, he’s one of my best friends.

I was bothered today because I saw him for the first time in a few months. He has a new girlfriend, and like I am with all of my friends, I felt instantly defensive and jealous. There was another added element of attachment, because like I said, I had really used him as a security blanket when I was confused about my sexuality. Even though I’ve come to peace with it now, I still felt uncomfortable with the fact that a person I was once attached to had replaced me. It caused me a lot of distress today, because, in a way, it made me feel like a bad lesbian.

But I’m not. And that’s why I’m writing this article- there is a huge difference between love and attachment. I felt attached to him because he made me feel safe, but I never loved him. And that’s why so many lesbians, including myself, struggle SO MUCH to accept out homosexuality. We are constantly papered with the romanticism of attachment, and the social construct that all women need men to feel complete. I feel like it’s something that isn’t talked about nearly enough, and in turn, it contributes to homosexual people feeling like they have “failed.”

If you’re reading this and you’ve felt a similar way before, I just want to say that you’re not a failure. Human psychology, sociology, and sexuality is such a complex, intertwined cluster of subjects. And it’s high-time we start tackling the expectations put on women in a society so focused on attachment, especially for those trying so desperately to just figure everything the fuck out.


Saturday, September 14th

This has been my first real day of doing “nothing” since I arrived at school last Sunday. Because my weekdays are very checklist oriented (“do this, then do this, then do this”), I allow myself to have NO agenda on Saturdays. I thoroughly enjoyed laying in bed for the majority of the day and playing The Sims. Who here is SO EXCITED about the new Realm of Magic game pack? Because I sure am!

I also had an opportunity to really test out the goodies in my Fab Fit Fun box, which came in the mail yesterday. I have a review of the box scheduled to post for September 23rd, which will give me plenty of time to test out the products and form a fair opinion about them. I’m already loving so many things I received, and I’m looking forward to putting together that article.

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Fab Fit Fun article coming soon!

 

Update on PMDD: Like I said, I recently got off Lexapro after being on it for nearly three years. The wonderful thing about SSRIs is that they tend to keep your mood stagnant, and now that I’m not on one, I definitely feel a little chaotic and all over the place. I’m constantly striving to take care of myself and prioritize my health, so I’m actively looking for some new treatment to help me with my returning PMDD symptoms. One thing I might do is get back on Lexapro, and add Wellbutrin to combat the side effects. I would rather try a more natural approach before getting medicated again, so another thing I am considering is CBD oil. Weed has never been my gig, and I’ve never smoked it, but my impression of CBD is that it’s an entirely different thing. I probably will try a multitude of different treatments, and see which one works best for my life and my body. To anyone who is struggling with mental illness or a debilitating disorder, don’t give up! There are people designated to helping you and supporting you on your journey, so never hesitate to reach out to them. I have never regretted for asking for help with my PMDD, and because of that, I know I have these versatile options for managing it. Fellow women with PMDD- what are your stories and self-care methods?

Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a work day. I’m posting this, for one thing, and then I will be chugging through some schoolwork for the rest of the evening. I’ve really enjoyed writing in a diary-style format, and hope to continue sharing my personal experiences of my daily life (though maybe not too many, because I’m pretty sure some faculty members at my college read my blog). Thank you for reading and catching up with me!


Coming up this week:

9/16- What’s in Season in September?

9/18- My Numbers Have Colors: Synesthesia

9/20- Gift Guide: The Perfect BOOK For Everyone on Your List

As some of you have probably noticed, I have a constantly evolving sense of style. Admittedly, I sometimes get annoyed with myself for not being able to “settle” on a style, but at the same time, it’s fun to be something of a fashion chameleon. In the past three years, I’ve done everything from pinup and über girly-girl, to hardcore goth/rockabilly. As of right now, my summer style consists mainly of “edgy” colorful pieces, and some traditionally masucline touches. Per usual, this is most likely to change and evolve over time, so I’m just going to roll with it. Lately, however, I have been reflecting nostalgically on my 40s-50s phase. Maybe that will make a comeback in the future!  

It’s important that I gave you that backstory, because all of the women I’m going to mention are extremely diverse in their fashion styles. However, at one point in time, each and every one of them inspired by fashion/makeup choices.


Drac Makens | Artist/Content Creator | @drac_makens

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In the emergence of my mid teens, Drac Makens was one of the earliest content creators to have an influence on my personal style. To this day, I actually still reference her bright, beautiful makeup looks in my day-to-day life, and continue to be fascinated by her. I’ve always admired people who are creative, avant-garde, and unapologetically themselves, and Bianca is a perfect example of that. I also really enjoy that she gives “goth” an unusually vibrant twist- typically as a nod to her Mexican heritage. I also admire Bianca for having a humble, soft-spoken attitude, and for very clearly being a kind-hearted person. If you’re interested in checking out more of her makeup looks, she has an Instagram account and a YouTube channel, though she rarely posts on the latter. She also has an instagram for her art creations, called @drac_makens_creations. 


Jessica Kellgren-Fozard | Content Creator | @jessicaoutofthecloset

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I unapologetically attribute my love for rockabilly, vintage fashion to this incredible lady, Jessica Kellgren-Fozard. Not only are her clothes posh, adorable, and well put together- she’s also a woman of charisma, bravery, and strength. Also, she’s sublimely funny- pop over to her YouTube page for more of that! Julia is deaf, blind in one eye, and suffers from a handful of other disabilities that affect her memory, nerves, and connective tissue, along with many other things. Despite her disabilities, Jessica remains a shining light of positivity and optimism in the YouTube community, and looks fabulous while she’s doing it. She also makes quite a few videos discussing LGBT+ issues, vintage fashion & hair, and general world issue topics. And, of course, her hair tutorials were very helpful for me during my own vintage beauty phase. I’ve written about Jessica before here, so if you’re interested in reading that, I’ll link it below. 


Anything for Selenas | Makeup Artist | @anythingforselenaaas

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I discovered Selena on Instagram about two years ago, and immediately fell in love with her colorful, clown-inspired, sharp makeup looks and style. She reminds me quite a lot of Drac Makens in regards to her makeup style, so it’s no wonder I’d fall in love with her work as well. I love that Selena pushes the traditional standards of beauty, and always stays true to her aesthetic (especially when applying makeup on clients). Some of my makeup looks I’ve featured on my own Instagram were directly inspired by her, especially the iconic pointy eyebrow ones. I have so much respect for Selena and her creative process, so I was extremely happy when she started a YouTube channel this week for makeup tutorials. She can make even the most complex makeup looks appear simple- something I find helpful as a gal who loves to experiment with makeup. 


Zheani | Musician | @askulloffoxes

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Zheani is one of the more recent public figures to influence my style and makeup choices. With the exception of Jessica, you’ve probably noticed that thus far I enjoy slightly gothic, outlandish aesthetics- especially for my makeup. Zheani is a singer-songwriter, most notable for her incredible diss track against the South African music duo, Die Antwoord. I immediately felt inspired by her dark, baby doll-esque appearance, with a varying touches of punk and fairy mixed throughout her feed. Her music has also been a source of inspiration for me- she dubs it “fairy trap”, it’s nothing short of awesome. Zheani is actually the one who inspired me to get my first set of long, bright acrylic nails a couple months ago, and I’ve been wearing them regularly ever since. 


Julia Zelg | Content Creator/Musician | @juliazelg

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Similarly with Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, I’ve mentioned Julia a lot on my blog in previous articles. Before I even discovered who she was, we already had similar aesthetics in both appearance and music. She, like me, is a fan of colorful hair, ridiculous platform shoes, and elaborate makeup looks. She has only continued to inspire me as the years go on, and some of the outfits I have purchased myself have been directly promoted by her. I showed her a picture of a pair of platform boots I bought from DollsKill at the NYC meet and greet, and she actually told she has the same exact shoes in another color! Along with k.d. Lang, who I’ll get to, I would say Julia Zelg is the current most accurate representation of my personal style.


k.d. Lang | Musician | @kdlang

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As I continue to grow and explore my identity as a lesbian, I was immediately attracted to k.d. Lang when I came across her music. There’s something about her butch, carefree, classy style that I find really attractive, and lately, I’ve been trying to emulate it in myself. I especially love her use of vertical stripes, oversized men’s jackets, and short, wispy hair. I’ve always loved the way short hair looks on me, and having it cut and styled in a traditionally butch way is an extremely liberating way for me to express myself. If you’re interested in checking out k.d.’s music (her earlier work is my favorite), I’ll leave the link to her YouTube channel below.


MY LINKS

Jessica Kellgren Fozard article – https://diplomatsdigest.wordpress.com/2019/03/06/wcw-jessica-kellgren-fozard-is-my-spirit-animal/

Julia Zelg article – https://diplomatsdigest.wordpress.com/2019/01/10/a-voice-for-the-times-my-favorite-lesbian-icon-julia-zelg/


YOUTUBE LINKS

Drac Makens – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBZQ-mAKI_oeSoxaCqar11g

Jessica Kellgren Fozard – https://www.youtube.com/user/MissJessicaKH

Anything for Selenas – https://www.youtube.com/user/seliruizz

Zheani – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-iSVYcy1rDg7xGqIwttyCw

Julia Zelg – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUIBkpuyXKU4B6dFv32LpRg

k.d. Lang – https://www.youtube.com/user/kdlang


PICTURE CREDITS

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/16354760.meet-jessica-kellgren-fozard-brightons-rising-youtube-star-who-is-representing-the-deaf-disabled-and-lgbtq-communities/

Anything for Selenaaas: pinterest

Zheani: pinterest

Julia Zelg: twitter

https://www.last.fm/music/k.d.+lang/+images/e7f837bf136c4b05ab7b3d3b7d9c4aef

Coming up next: My Favorite Vegetarian/Vegan Cookbooks

I hope you are enjoying this humid summer week! I am so excited to finally tell you guys all about my mini-trip to New York City and the meet-and-greet I attended while I was there. I normally don’t blog about my day-to-day life because I don’t think it’s that interesting, but this trip was definitely an exciting experience that I will remember forever.

I should start off by saying I wasn’t even planning on taking a vacation this summer, mostly because traveling can quickly trigger my anxiety. I also just tend to get tired of being away from home for too long, and usually start to miss my bed after just the first night. This vacation was inherently successful because I was only gone for one night, and I had so much to do within the two days I was there, I didn’t even have time to think about missing home. 

Anywho, I was scrolling through Instagram a couple weeks ago when I saw a post from Julia Zelg announcing her U.S. Meet and Greet dates. Julia and her wife Eileen are amongst my favorite youtubers, as some of you may know, and I have even written an article about her on my blog before (I’ll link it down below). Like I said, I normally don’t care for traveling or social events, but this one really stood out to me. For one thing, New York isn’t that far from me- I could have compacted this trip into one day if I wanted to. Secondly, Julia and Eileen live in London, so for them to be just a few hours away from me for a free meet-and-greet felt too special to pass up. I also felt that I deserved a little break from my dog-sitting summer job, because I usually work between 5-7 days a week. If I was going to take this trip, it was going to be the highlight of my summer, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I immediately RSVP’d, without even figuring out how I was going to get there. The good news is, it ended up being a very cost-effective trip. The meet-and-greet itself was free, so all I had to pay for was my train ticket and a little extra spending money for food/shopping. Once I got my mom and grandmother on board, we planned to leave Friday, August 9th (the day before the event), so we could spend some extra time enjoying the city. 

Rather than taking the bus from Boston to New York City, which would have been the fastest option, we decided to drive part way to Connecticut, pick up my grandmother and then take the train to Grand Central Station. It definitely extended traveling, but I was so happy to see my family and meet my lil baby nephew for the first time. The train ended up being easy, too, and I caught up on a lot of reading for my book club. Despite the fact that it was close to eight by the time we got to our hotel, that’s still considered quite early in New York City! We spent the evening dining, shopping, and just taking in the incredible chaos of the city. It was beautiful, but also extremely over-stimulating for an anxious person such as myself. I did a lot of laughing and smiling, but I also cried a few times seeing lost, homeless animals on the streets. I certainly could never live in New York, but I appreciated the artistic, bustling culture of the city. 

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Imagine having hair that gorgeous. Sigh.

I had a lovely time getting ready for the event the next morning. Because Julia Zelg is considered a lesbian icon in the YouTube community, I decided to wear this two-piece rainbow crop top with matching pants. One of the biggest reasons I was so excited for this event is because it meant I would get to meet other young, colorful, proud lesbian women, including Julia herself, and I’m happy to say that’s exactly what happened. I was expecting a ton of people to be there, but there were actually only about 15-20 people or so. This worked out great for us, because it meant we all got to have a chance to really meet Julia and have individual conversations with her. Sadly, Eileen was unable to attend due to a personal emergency, so it meant a lot to me that Julia put on a happy face nonetheless and carried on with the event (and good news, Eileen is doing much better now!). I met some beautiful, wonderful queer women at this event who obviously shared a similar love for Julia, and we had a delightful time picnicking in Washington Square Park. Julia also told me she loved my outfit, so that was a huge perk.

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I put the link to this outfit below!

 

Before I left, I had the opportunity to hug Julia and thank her for all she has done for our community, on top of inspiring me personally. She is the absolute sweetest person to talk to, and like I said, it meant a lot to all of us that she kept the event running despite her family emergency. I also told her that I am interested in pursuing media professionally and possibly exploring having a YouTube channel, and she was very supportive of that. All in all, she gave me some great advice, and just being there in such a wholesome, beautiful environment made the entire trip worth it. Like, 1000 percent. 

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Making new friends in the park!

The meet and greet was the main highlight of our trip, but we also visited some other areas in the city, such as the World Trade Center 9/11 Memorial. If you are ever in New York City and have the time, I highly suggest visiting this beautiful memorial. The way the water fell silently in the north and south pools was strikingly eerie and humbling. I found it really touching that a rose is placed on the names of the victims on their birth dates. 

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I wasn’t aware that a shopping center was constructed at the World Trade Center as well, and I was immediately struck by the architecture of the building. To me, it does look like an airplane (I can’t decide if that was intentional), but it also looks to me like a pair of angel wings. What do you think?

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We headed back to the train after seeing the memorial, and then, after a few more hours of driving, we arrived back home around 1am on Sunday. I slept for a straight twelve hours, and I am perfectly okay with that. And now, on Monday when I’m writing this, it’s back to work for me!

This was overall a fulfilling, beautiful, eye-opening experience for me. I feel grateful for having supportive family members, for being lucky enough meeting Julia, and for making a handful of lovely new friends on my trip. The more I travel, the more prepared I feel to eventually move across the country to start my adult life after college. There’s a good chance I’ll be taking another trip this year with my friend Eli, so I look forward to planning that as well! Thank you so much for reading.


Julia’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUIBkpuyXKU4B6dFv32LpRg

My article about her: https://diplomatsdigest.wordpress.com/2019/01/10/a-voice-for-the-times-my-favorite-lesbian-icon-julia-zelg/

Where I got the rainbow outfit: https://us.shein.com/Rainbow-Striped-Tie-Front-Crop-Top-With-Wide-Leg-Pants-p-765939-cat-1780.html?url_from=adplaswtwop01190611421XL&gclid=CjwKCAjwnMTqBRAzEiwAEF3ndq83tsFdFgHHso9RMxU3AlhTD2-S6YaVAUmOMPGLMw613eeFBg6wwBoC0zkQAvD_BwE

Coming up next: Taco Tuesday: Traditional-Style Vegan Spicy“ Beef” Taco

It feels like a hot minute since I’ve posted anything fashion related, let alone a lookbook. Part of the reason for that is because my style didn’t really change much from April 2018 to about March 2019. Then, I started to get interested in the psychobilly aesthetic, which blended very well with the vintage theme I had going on at the time. Alas, ever the chameleon, my style is still changing. As I’ve continued to develop my creativity and passion for art, my personal style is changing as well. I also believe that the emergence of my homosexuality has impacted my fashion- artists such as k.d. lang have strengthened my appreciation for touches of “butch.” On the flip side, more feminine lesbian artists such as King Princess and Zheani have played into my more girlish, pastel inspiration.

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The clothes that I am showcasing today are from Shein- an online shop which I have purchased from before. The quality is comparative to Forever 21 (not terrible, but not the best), and in general, I’d say shopping here is pretty hit or miss. I’m actually really happy with the size and quality of all the things I bought, with the exception of a pair of light-wash jeans I’m not pictured wearing. You have to remember that you’re shopping from an Asian size chart, so it’s always ideal to go one or two sizes up. So, with the exception of the super-tight jeans, I am actually really impressed with everything else!

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Like I said, my style is mostly soft and feminine with a few touches of lesbian “butch” energy. I love to have these touches of butch, because in regards to my romantic relationships and sexuality, I do enjoy taking on a more dominant, loud personality. When I think of lesbian icons like k.d. lang, I especially get a sense of this dominance that speaks to me in her music. The feminine touches are a bit more edgy than usual, which fits my chaotic energy nicely. As I said, I am also inspired by Zheani’s music, who has a similar edgy, “thotty” feminine style. 

Rather than going over every item piece-by-piece, I am going to instead lay out this lookbook as a gallery of portraits I took. I remember the day I took these as being extremely humid and stuffy, so although I look cool and collected, I was actually a sweaty mess. I’m really happy with how these pictures came out after I edited them to have a retro filter, and I hope you enjoy looking at them! As I said, all of these clothes are from Shein, but I am not sponsored by them, nor did I get any of these clothes for free. 

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Coming up next: Taco Tuesday: Making the iCarly Spaghetti Tacos

I’ve been looking forward to writing this article for weeks now, especially since my style has evolved into something much more extravagant, colorful, and even a little campy. Summer in New England can be a little unpredictable, so I like to buy things that can be layered/removed easily if needed. Considering I’m going to be spending quite a bit of time volunteering in a barn, my go-to outfit this summer is mostly going to be shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of boots adequate for walking in the mud.

Oh, speaking of boots, I bought these shoes from Dolls Kill recently, and I will DEFINITELY not be wearing these in the mud! If you’ve heard of Dolls Kill, you know that their shoes and clothes are on the pricier side, but I actually got these fabulous shoes on sale. They were originally over $100, but I got them for less than $60 over Memorial Day weekend. They may look impractical to you, but I’ve already worn them to the grocery store, an ice cream stand, and outside by building to walk my dog. They’re surprisingly comfortable, because despite the giant platform, the heel actually isn’t that high. I’ve been super into cool-tones lately, as you may have noticed from my hair and makeup. I’m looking forward to shopping at Dolls Kill in the future and adding to my ridiculous shoe collection!

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I actually haven’t gotten this in the mail yet, but I ordered the Blue Blood palette from Jeffree Star Cosmetics and I am SO EXCITED to put this on my face. Picture this: it’s a breezy day, my teal hair is in two pigtails, I’m wearing my holographic platform boots, and Blue Blood is blended to the gods on my eyes. I think it’s a look, and I’m here to own it. I do intend on making a review for this palette, so if that’s something you’d like to see, let me know!

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Like I said, this summer is going to consist of a lot of shorts and t-shirts, so when I saw this Rocketman shirt at Kohl’s, I freaked out. Elton John, the KING of camp, has been one of my favorite musicians and style icons since I was in elementary school. If there was ever a shirt to pair my platform boots with, it’s this one.

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The last couple things I bought are probably more stylish, albeit, less functional for casual wear. You all know that I hate the heat, so on humid summer days, I want to wear as little clothing as possible. This rainbow halter top is going to be perfect for Pride festival, which I’m going to be attending later in the month. I also found this black mini-skirt with SHORTS under it, so I don’t have to worry about flashing anyone while I bask in the pain and agony of summer.

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The summer is still young, so I’m sure I will be adding a few additional pieces to my collection. I’d love to do a Dolls Kill haul, but like I said, there clothes and shoes can be pricey unless a sale is going on. I’m so excited to spend the summer adventuring and (hopefully) partying at my favorite gay club, and you already know I’m going to be up on that stripper pole with my platform heels on, screaming along to “Born This Way”.

Coming up next: 12 Surprising People Coined as INFJs (Non-Fiction & Fiction)

 

 

Whenever I meet new people, whether that be in person or on a dating site, I tend to get a similar compliment. “You look just like this YouTuber!” people say. “I don’t remember her name, but she’s deaf, and she’s high-femme too…”

“Jessica Kellgren-Fozard?”

“Yeah! That’s her.”

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It’s a compliment I’m genuinely honored to receive. Jessica Kellgren-Fozard has been one of my biggests style icons since I first started period dressing more than a year ago. I came across her channel after seeing her in a BBC video about deafness, which is something Jessica has covered extensively on her channel. Not only is Jessica deaf, but she’s also an advocate for chronic illnesses and disabilities. Although it may not be obvious from looking at her, Jessica struggles with disabilities such as a connective tissue disorder, scoliosis, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), and cognitive/memory issues as a result of a failed spinal treatment. Although Jessica’s disabilities cause her constant fatigue, pain, migraines, and even fainting spells, she handles each of her adversities with poise and courage. She’s unapologetically proud of who she is, and she never lets her disabilities stop her from pursuing her dreams.

Jessica does talk about her health quite a bit on her YouTube channel and other social media, but she doesn’t let it define her. If you pop over to her channel, you’ll also find a variety of makeup reviews, hair tutorials, fashion lookbooks, and vlog-type videos with her wife, Claudia. As a bisexual woman with high hopes of having my own gay wedding, I absolutely love watching Jessica and Claudia’s romance blossom. They’re both incredible role models, and face all their hardships with bravery and humor. I think I speak for all of Jessica’s subscribers when I say we want a partner like Claudia someday.

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Whether she intends it or not, Jessica reminds me to be thankful for what I have, and appreciative of the day ahead of me. She doesn’t dwell on the past or the future, she’s focused solely on what’s in front of her, and how she can make the best of it. She’s taught me, along with hundreds of thousands of others, how to enjoy the little things in life and love ourselves completely. She brings brightness and joy to every situation, no matter how dark and tedious things way seem. Considering everything Jessica has gone through, including the ignorance of sh*tty doctors, she has remained extremely positive and upbeat.

I admire Jessica for speaking candidly and bravely, for sharing her story with wisdom and humor. Jessica doesn’t want to be pitied for who she is, she wants to be celebrated. It’s something we can all learn from, even if we don’t have debilitating disabilities or chronic illnesses. Her message is universal: love yourself for who you are, accept what you have gone through, and forgive yourself for what you can’t control.

If you’re interested in checking out Julia’s channel, I’ve included the link to that below. I also recommend checking out her instagram, @jessicaoutofthecloset, as she posts several cute outfit pictures!

Jessica’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDdi0yUyGW1PKzYXaIACnuA

All photos are taken directly from Jessica’s YouTube channel and Instagram

Coming up next: What’s in Season in March?

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It’s not always common to find a YouTuber that makes you feel like a close friend. Even the most popular and beloved YouTubers can come across as selfish and self-glorified, which I mostly attribute to increased fame and exposure. Julia Zelg, however, is an example of the opposite. As her channel has grown and rather quickly flourished over this year, Julia as actually become more thankful and appreciative to her subscribers as her numbers have risen. If you watched her silver play button gratitude video, you’d know why: as an immigrant from Brazil who started in London with virtually nothing, Julia has worked incredibly hard to build this life for herself. She is not only a remarkable role model for other young people, but also a genuine success story of why you should never give up on your dreams. So who is she?

There are a few different reasons you may be familiar with Julia’s channel. For one, she’s a uniquely talented musician who has uploaded several music videos for her singles on YouTube. These videos of her seem to garnish the most views, along with videos involving her current girlfriend and past relationships. Julia very open about the large age-gaps in her lesbian relationships, which has unfortunately become a breeding ground for hate in the comment sections. Nonetheless, her loyal subscribers and those who actually take the time to get to know Julia are always on hand to step up for her, including me. It’s truly a shame that some people feel the need to go on the internet and shit all over lifestyles that may differ from their own, but Julia and her fiancée, Eileen, handle the criticism extremely maturely. Admittedly, I was one of the people who initially found myself surprised and a little off-put the first time I watched a video of Julia and her older girlfriend (at the time, I believe the video I watched was with her ex-girlfriend Maria). However, the more I watched Julia’s channel, explored her music, and generally got to “know” her from YouTube, I immediately changed my mind and even felt guilty for ever having judgments about her lifestyle. Julia’s personality is bright, positive, and easygoing, yet still extremely mature and level-headed. I myself have been in a relationship with a man fourteen years my senior, so I began to emphasize with the criticism Julia faced. Both she and Eileen are both consenting adults (as were me and my ex), and they’re both clearly in love, so why not spread the love as well instead of spewing hate?

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Anyhow, that was a bit of a tangent, but I feel it’s well-intentioned and called for. If you go on ANY of Julia’s viral videos featuring her girlfriend, you’ll see that the comments are filled with mean jokes, hate, and overall ignorance. And, as a fan of Julia’s personality and content, I feel like it’s my duty to shed some positive light on her.

Julia’s channel predominantly consists of personal stories, clothing try-on hauls, music videos, hair tutorials, and vlogs, especially entailing her life as a queer immigrant in London. I find her content to be not only diverse and versatile, but also very honest and eye-opening. She’s happy to talk about the positive aspects of her life, but she also doesn’t shy away from the pain and negativity she has endured. Above all, she comes across as extremely personable, and helps her subscribers feel like they’re part of a close-knit friend group, sharing this journey with her.

One of the most touching moments for me, as I said, was watching her silver play button video. At one point, when Julia cries recalling the poverty and hardships she endured as an immigrant in England, I actually teared up a little as well. Her gratitude and love for her subscribers is so genuine, powerful, and well-received.

As a fellow queer woman, I found a lot of peace and empathy in Julia’s music. Her newest release, “Judge Me”, is a powerful lesbian anthem about learning to love yourself and standing by who you are. Although our culture is gradually shifting to become more progressive, I still feel that queer artists are an underrepresented demographic. If you are a young person who also struggles with sexual identity and self-esteem, I’m sure you will be able to find solace in Julia’s lyrics.

Beauty, fashion, and lifestyle are a huge part of Julia’s channel, but ultimately, her voice extends far beyond just that. She is a voice for confident women, for the LGBT+ community, and essentially anyone who has struggled with their confidence. I’ve found a lot of happiness from what Julia has taught me through her content, and I hope you will too.

Julia’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUIBkpuyXKU4B6dFv32LpRg

All pictures are taken directly from Julia’s Channel.

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